A humour thread

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-car-park-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Hope this reaches you in time!





Warn all your friends!




IMO, it's full of shit! accuracy


http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/4918/beerwarning.jpg

[accuracy]

:D

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_vids/weeds.htm

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-laptop-creepy.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-chandelier-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Love those Church Ladies..

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
http://www.jokesy.com/images/church-bulletin-boards-not-all-questions-can-be-an.jpg

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/aycock_surgery.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-robot-rock.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/128899318997271538.jpg

[accuracy]

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.

[accuracy]

One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a 21-gun salute it was so loud! The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.

"I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage", she said.

"Oh, that's alright", said the George, "for a minute there I thought it was the horse!"

[taffwob]

I am the light!!!!

[taffwob]

:confused:

[accuracy]

http://www.rense.com/1.imagesH/landspoutSP.jpg


See more pics.

http://www.rense.com/general86/dust.htm

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20071010.gif

[accuracy]

This is what happens when you drink with rednecks .


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/major_drunk_party.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-choking-safety-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-safety-glasses-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-weight-loss-fail.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-hotel-mattress-fail.jpg?w=500&h=667

[cafetimes1991]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/poc-letterman.jpg?w=500&h=385

[accuracy]

Woman pleads guilty in drunken breast-feeding case


Wed Jun 24, 3:19 pm ET
GRAND FORKS, N.D. – A North Dakota woman accused of breast-feeding her 6-week-old baby while drunk has pleaded guilty to child neglect. Stacey Anvarinia, 36, could face up to five years in prison when she's sentenced on the felony charge in August.

Judge Sonja Clapp says Anvarinia will not have to register as an offender against children.

Police officers who responded to a domestic disturbance call at Anvarinia's home on April 13 say they saw an intoxicated Anvarinia breast feeding. Health officials say alcohol consumed by breast-feeding mothers can be absorbed into an infant's system.

Attorneys believe it's the first such case prosecuted in North Dakota.

___

Information from: Grand Forks Herald, http://www.grandforksherald.com

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/depp_mad_hatter.jpg

In this film publicity image released by Disney, Johnny Depp is shown as the Mad Hatter from the upcoming film, 'Alice in Wonderland,' in theaters on March 5, 2010.
Photo/Disney

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/poc-letterman.jpg?w=500&h=385

I am impressed with your signature, cafetimes1991

Oh, and your sense of humour. :)

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-wine-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-blue-icky-icks.jpg

[accuracy]

Since when is hair pulling valid in soccer?

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/womans_soccer.jpg

[accuracy]

* My stigmata's acting up.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.

* I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

[cafetimes1991]

I am impressed with your signature, cafetimes1991

Oh, and your sense of humour. :)

Thanks, accuracy. This is one of my favourite threads, easily. It's an institution here (as unfunny as that sounds :D).
I thought my signature quote would be a bit confusing, but it seems to have worked out okay. It really jumped off the page when I read it in Sophie School and the White Rose. :cool:

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.davidicke.com/images/stories/June_2009/3657642454_5ac7f0ca11.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://friendlyatheist.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/20090122.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v14/gssq83/Blog/blog_head.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090626.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/comics/00000274.png

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/033109/like-coffee.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/032809/crazy-world-croquet.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://home.comcast.net/~tembre/gar4.jpg

http://home.comcast.net/~tembre/gar5.jpg

http://home.comcast.net/~tembre/gar6.jpg

http://wondermark.com/x/garf-silent2.gif

And my favourite:

http://home.comcast.net/~tembre/gar11.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v483/Timefishblue/oldgarfield.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v483/Timefishblue/garfielearthquakes.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-bog-snorkel.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/stingray-whale.jpg

A stingray leaps out of the water as it is hunted by a killer whale, whose fin can be seen below the ray, just off St. Heliers beach in Auckland, New Zealand, Wednesday, June 24, 2009.

Photo/New Zealand Herald Photograph, Brett Phibbs

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090627.gif

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-do-not-want.jpg

[finn234]

Do other countries have the American equivalent of rednecks/trailer trash/ Walmart loving/ obese spandex wearing smoking 48oz pepsi guzzling or mullet wearing smoking emaciated meth addicts who talk loud in Walmart or the video store and yell at their wild little offspring incessantly rather than doing something effective and drive cars that look just like you would expect them to drive......and before I get too involved....yeah...I'm not a racist but I am a redtrashist....... geez...it is SOO fucking obvious..... they build the Walmart right on the fringe of the "red-trash part of town and then hire about 3/4 of their employees from the same stock... and then of course the majority of the customers are that as well..... don't believe me....just go there....any day of the f*cking week....... and you see multi generalization as well.... bringing gramma along with the feral grandkids..... holy class bias Batman!... not even sure how I got into this quasi-rant but now you know... I am a classist??....oh yeah....so do other countries have these??

in britain, we have chavs.

which are really worthy of all those insults there ;)

a 'chav' could be summed up by the following:

a lanky pale-faced gourmless piece of crap that harasses old ladies and innocent kids for 'money for the bus' so they can go and buy more fags to contribute to their painful but welcome death, and i mean its not like ther parents will miss them, they're obviously unloved morons, and besdies, theres plenty more where they came from, hence why their parents cant afford a proper house or proper clothes, i mean burberry, WTF?? they smell of piss and nicotine, cant even articulate speech, are setting our species back a good few thousand years, communicate through primative grunts and retarded hand-gestures, have an IQ below absolute zero, and actually spend their time walking in packs and attacking any loners they find.

have i summed that up well?

http://i443.photobucket.com/albums/qq159/mcfinn234/chavs.jpg

as you can tell im not a huge fan of chavs

http://i443.photobucket.com/albums/qq159/mcfinn234/asbo_chav.jpg

[finn234]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090627.gif

ROFL thats good ;)

[finn234]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-do-not-want.jpg

lol the one at the back cracks me up :D

[accuracy]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/horse_wins.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-doubt-it-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBgyDcQR8Yc&feature=player_embedded

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-butt-inspections.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090702.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://nedroid.com/comic/comics/2009-06-29-beartato-lifesgoal.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/comics/00000275.png

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/360heinz9048503986908.jpg

[accuracy]

Cool view from airplane cabins. Sky looks wonderful from airplane cabins.


http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view01.jpg


http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view02.jpg


http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view03.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view04.jpg


http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view05.jpg


http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view06.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view07.jpg


http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view08.jpg


http://www.pics24h.com/img/misc/airplane-cabins-view/airplane-cabins-view09.jpg

.......end of slideshow.............:)

[accuracy]

24 Awesomely-Lascivious and Sexually-Suggestive Ads

Sex sells. No doubt about it. You know it, I know it and the people in charge of pitching their products and services to us definitely know it. It’s no surprise that over the years advertising has become increasingly suggestive and provocative with the limits being pushed further every day. Here’s a look at some recent ads that were completely shameless in using the sex factor to pump up sales.

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/lifestyles.jpg


http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/calvinklein.jpg


Guess Who’s Dry Humping

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/guess.jpg


Gain Confidence and Respect

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/enzyte.jpg

[accuracy]

At Home with the Beckhams

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/beckham.jpg


http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/goodbyebush.jpg


http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/hooters.jpg


http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/longandhard.jpg

[accuracy]

Dorito Bikini

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/doritos.jpg


She Wants Seven Inches

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/burgerking.jpg


It’s All About Shoes

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/shoes.jpg


Oh, Excuse Me

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/jeans.jpg

[accuracy]

Gorgeous Air Bags

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/mercedes.jpg


http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/sega.jpg


I Do Feel Thirsty

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/blackjack.jpg


http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/alpine.jpg

[accuracy]

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/pickle.jpg


http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/fitness.jpg
She used to do what once a week? Diddle herself? Have random sex with strangers? Call her mother? The ad doesn’t say exactly, but it’s believed to be a fitness billboard


Gangbang and Voyeurism

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/dolce.jpg


Women Love Bread

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/bread.jpg

[accuracy]

Dirty, Dirty Girl

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/shower.jpg


Sexy, Sexy… Toilet Paper?

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/toiletpaper.jpg


She Likes Large Meat

http://static.manolith.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/carlsjr.jpg


Paris Hilton commercial

Carl’s Jr. gives it to you straight in it’s big burger ads. It’s not the first time the burger chain has run suggestive ads. A few years ago Paris Hilton starred in a Carl’s Jr. commercial in which she enjoyed a large piece of meat. Not a first for her either.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgBpfP5jn8Y&feature=player_embedded


.......end of slideshow...........

[evillive]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-911-fail.jpg?w=500&h=256

Poor daddy.

[evillive]

:eek:

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-mouth-unemployed-fail.jpg?w=500&h=375

[nofuture]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RsQg1dnwiY&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fsmf.citymancs.com%2Fforum%2Finde x.php%3Ftopic%3D15708.0&feature=player_embedded

[accuracy]

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/6073/americanwackoinlondon1.jpg

[accuracy]

Talk about "squeezed out" from this and other conspiracy sites........
(Informationclearinghouse, What Really Happened,Anti-war, David Icke's main site, The Unhivedmind.)
was totally BLOCKED out last Friday night and last night!

I thought it was my Zionist signature so i erased it Saturday morning, when i was "allowed" back in, but when i was BLOCKED again last night, i knew straight away MJ posts had an impact to..............?

Tsk tsk tsk.

accuracy.

[accuracy]

All my friends and family


I'm letting you know before you hear it from anyone in
the family or through the rumour mill, that I've been
contacted by a woman who alleges

That I am the father of her child.

I do not know whether she wishes to substantiate this
by means of a DNA test. However she has sent a
photograph of the child, which bears a very strong
and undeniable resemblance.

On the basis of this photographic evidence I have
decided to begin paying child support immediately.
As the boy is obviously mine.


Photo below.


http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/5292/deadgiveaway.jpg

[accuracy]

How to protect your e-mail address book

A computer repairman says this is like having gold.
This is a good thing.
I learned a computer trick today that's really ingenious in its simplicity.

As you may know, when/if a worm virus gets into your computer it heads
straight for your email address book, and sends itself to everyone in there,
thus infecting all your friends and associates.

This trick won't keep the virus from getting into your computer,
but it will stop it from using your address book to spread further, and
it will alert you to the fact that the worm has got into your system.
Here's what you do:

First, open your address book and click on 'new contact,' just as you
would do if you were adding a new friend to your list of email addresses.

In the window where you would type your friend's first name, type in 'A'.
For the screen name or email address, type AAAAAAA@AAA.AAA

Now, here's what you've done and why it works:

The 'name 'A' will be placed at the top of your address book as entry #1.

This will be where the worm will start in an effort to send itself to all your friends.

When it tries to send itself to AAAAAAA@AAA.AAA,
it will be undeliverable because of the phony email address you entered.

If the first attempt fails (which it will because of the phoney address),
the worm goes no further and your friends will not be infected.

Here's the second great advantage of this method:

If an email cannot be delivered,
you will be notified of this in your In Box almost immediately.

Hence, if you ever get an email telling you that an email addressed to
AAAAAAA@AAA.AAA could not be delivered, you know right away
that you have the worm virus in your system.

You can then take steps to get rid of it!

Pretty slick huh?
If everybody you know does this then you need not ever worry
about opening mail from friends.

DO IT NOW
and pass this on to all your friends.

[accuracy]

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesy.com/images/old-school21.jpg


Mum used to cut chicken, slice eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince-meat on the kitchen sink AND I used to eat a bit raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper, in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember anybody getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all played sport, and also did PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop runners (only worn in the gym or the sports ground) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built-in light reflectors.. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened, because they tell us how much safer we are now....

Flunking sport was not an option.... even for stupid kids! There were not many fat kids.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the National Anthem and got free school milk for strong bones and teeth, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything, and she could even give you an aspirin for a headache or fever.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah..and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our hair ruffled and got told to get back out there! Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the Solicitor to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't misbehave at the mate's house either, because if we did, we got our bum smacked there, and then we got bum belted again when we got home. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front veranda, just before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a yobbo.
It was a neighbourhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a "dysfunctional family". How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T---- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING

[accuracy]

Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."

Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!

Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)

Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!

Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!

Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!

Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!

Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.

No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Due to isolated locations, the cost of living in the Arctic can be very high. However, the cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Back to Top
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!

Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!


Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"

Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.

Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"

Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."

Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"

Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!

Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.

[accuracy]

Two fish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says: “Do you know how to drive this?”



Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant!



I said to the Gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can't make Tuesdays.”



Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. “That's two hits,” says the other owl. “Two hits to who?” says the first.



Did you hear about the ice-cream man, he was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands? The police said that he had topped himself.



Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

[accuracy]

* Signs you have grown up

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

[accuracy]

testing

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036505.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-tubing-fail.jpg

[mikesingh]

Here are some quickies from our Unit’s archives called the ‘Bible’, handed down by the British Commanding Officers since the 40s! But these are all the vegetarian variety. The extremely hilarious non veg stuff consisting of 330 riotous, side splitting pages can get me banned for posting them here! So sorry folks you’re missing out on the best of the best that would have had you in splits!! Or laughing your darn guts out!

So here are some bland ones! Enjoy!

__________________________________________________ ________

He was a Colonel in the army reserves and during a summer training tour took sick and was hospitalized in the officers’ ward. At the hospital he pulled rank, threw his weight around and generally harassed the staff.

One day a G.I on duty in the hospital dressed himself in the white apparel of a surgeon, hurried into the ward, glanced at the Colonel’s chart and ordered the patient to turn on his stomach to receive a rectal thermometer, the patient not to move until he returned.

About a half hour later, a nurse came by and stopped short at the Colonel’s bedside.

“Colonel! She exclaimed. “What are you doing?

“Why, taking my temperature”, he growled. “Anything wrong with that?

“But Colonel”, the nurse cried “With a daffodil?
__________________________________________________ _________

“Will you look at that rip in my trousers fly?” shouted the just promoted Rear Admiral. “On second thought”, he went on, “I guess I will have to wear them that way so all the other men can see what I have to put up with.”

“Oh no, you won’t,” his wife countered. “I will mend it right now so all the other women won’t see what I have to put up with!”

__________________________________________________ __________

An elderly lady, the wife of a long retired warrant officer, was sitting in her rocking chair knitting, her Persian cat reclining at her feet. Suddenly a fairy appeared and asked the old lady if there was anything she wished for. Yes, was the reply, I would like to be a young woman again. The fairy waved her wand and asked, is there any other wish you would like granted?

Oh yes, I would like a handsome young man.

Turning to the cat, the fairy waved her wand, and in its place rose a fine looking youth. He looked sadly at the girl and sighed, "Now aren’t you sorry you took me to the vet?"
__________________________________________________ ___________

At the office break, Privates Tom and John were shooting the breeze, when Tom referred to the their squad Sergeant as a spherical S.O.B.

John interrupted, I have come across many S.O.Bs in my time, but what do you mean by ‘spherical’?

I mean, said Tom, he’s an S.O.B any way you look at him.
__________________________________________________ _____________

DEFT DEFINITIONS

Eskimo : Frigid midget with a rigid digit.

Dinosaur : Massive vassal with a passive tassel.

Adultery : Wrong man in the right place.

Atomic bra : 80 percent fall-out.

__________________________________________________ ___________

A Laughing Hyena…eats once a week, craps once a month, screws once a year…What the heck he’s laughing about, I don’t know.
__________________________________________________ ___________

There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save, of fly buttons hitting the ceiling!
__________________________________________________ ___________

There was a young man in Woods Hole
Who had an affair with a mole.
Though a bit of a nancy
He did like to fancy
Himself in the dominant role!
__________________________________________________ ___________

A pair of panties, brassiers, and a slip was hanging on the line near the women’s barracks one day when all three of them began to gossip.

The brassier said: “I am the best, I cover what those GIs admire”.

The panty said: “Oh no, I'm the best, I cover what they desire”.

The slip shouted: “WILL YOU TWO BE QUIET? I’VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT!”
__________________________________________________ ___________

Ok guys, more later! Cheerio! :D

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036514.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/nose_ball.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-driving-miss-daisy.jpg

[accuracy]

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[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/dax-doing-dishes.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-license-plate-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-vending-machine-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

MUZZLING PRESS FREEDOM IN PALESTINE


http://desertpeace.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/muzzling-press-freedom-in-palestine/

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/071709/stop-being-so-quiet.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/071309/not-on-email.gif

[accuracy]

MUZZLING PRESS FREEDOM IN PALESTINE


http://desertpeace.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/muzzling-press-freedom-in-palestine/

Sorry, wrong thread ( i wondered what happened to that post.) :rolleyes:

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/72forecast430589.jpg

[accuracy]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/boat_launcher.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-marilyn-monroe-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-handicapped-bathroom-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t95cv1Fjie0

[accuracy]

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[alrick888]

http://www.thirdeyeconcept.com/news/gallery/1_20_01_09_2_30_42.jpg

[merlincove]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-marilyn-monroe-fail.jpg

http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv35/merlincove/DoubleFacePalm.jpg

[noewhan]

A famous British usage of fuck comes from a 2001/2002 scandal at the Department of Transport, Local Government and the Regions, while Stephen Byers was the Minister. His press officer, Jo Moore, sent an email after the September 11, 2001 attacks suggesting it would be "a good day to bury bad news". As the scandal unravelled, Permanent Secretary to the Department, Sir Richard Mottram was widely reported to have said "We're all fucked. I'm fucked. You're fucked. The whole department is fucked. It's the biggest cock-up ever and we're all completely fucked." To British ears this was particularly amusing coming from someone so senior in the civil service.

Hahah! Wikipedia, good for some things I guess.

[accuracy]

Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objected, "That young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Preeto, she`s a prostitute."
"I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it."
In their room, Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Banta opened it and girl walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
Banta asked, "How much do you charge?"
"Ten thousand basic rate, three thousand tips for special services."
Even Banta was taken aback. "Ten thousand !! I was thinking more in the range of two thousand." Girl laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said Banta, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Preeto came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!"
Banta said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, that girl came up behind Banta, pointed slyly at Preeto, and said, "See what you get for two thousand !"

[accuracy]

Sharks? In my attic? It’s more likely than you think…

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/wtf-pics-landshark.jpg

[accuracy]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.

When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat.
"Go and get help" he cried
"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.
"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"

She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/please_send_pron.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-caller-id-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

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[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/jet_condos.jpg

A Navy jet from the Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia passes an apartment building during tactical demonstration flyover as part of the 2009 Chrysler Jeep Superstores APBA Detroit Gold Cup race, Sunday July 12, 2009 along the Detroit River in Detroit.
Photo/The Detroit News, Steve Perez

[nofuture]

http://bunkstrutts.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/dick-head_mitchieville-090702.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/howtousetoi34.jpg:)

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/wtf-pics-flintstones.jpg

[accuracy]

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[accuracy]

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[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTiKhz2HFv0&feature=player_embedded

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-educational-software-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/wtf-pics-toilet-girl.jpg

[alrick888]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3184/2646123102_675e50de8f.jpg

A giant inflatable dog turd created by the American artist Paul McCarthy was blown from its moorings at a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a window before landing in the grounds of a children's home.

The exhibit, entitled Complex Shit, is the size of a house. It has a safety system that is supposed to deflate it in bad weather, but it did not work on this occasion.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/aug/12/3?gusrc=rss&feed=networkfront

[merlincove]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-hat-fail.jpg

that is fookin brilliant

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-grandma-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-under-bridge-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:

Female Drinks

She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than White Zinfandel)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.


http://www.jokesy.com/images/drinks1.gif


Male Drinks

He orders: Domestic Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Tequila
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: He's gay.

[accuracy]

Laugh Lab was a world famous, year long experiment to find the world's funniest joke. Over 40,000 jokes were submitted with 1.5 million ratings.
The winning joke with the highest rating was:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


In second place:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Throughout the experiment it was noted that People from The Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand expressed a strong preference for jokes involving word plays, such as:

Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.


Americans and Canadians much preferred gags where there was a sense of superiority – either because a person looked stupid, or was made to look stupid by another person, such as:

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

Finally, many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, liked jokes that were somewhat surreal, such as:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”


These European countries also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that often make us feel anxious, such as death, illness, and marriage. For example:

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter.” But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life”.”


In general, people found the jokes funniest at 6.03 in the evening, and least funny at 1.30 in the morning. People also found them funniest on the 15th of the month, and less funny towards the end or start of the month

Sigmund Freud was fascinated by jokes and humour. He believed that they represented a way in which people could release their pent-up thoughts in a socially acceptable way. Thoughts about death, sex, marriage, authority figures, certain bodily functions – anything.
eg.

A woman told her friend: “For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world! Then we met.”


A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. “I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says. “Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. “Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'” The younger priest practises these sayings, too. “Well done,” says the older priest. “Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: “No way! What happened next?”


Why do people tend to laugh when someone slips over a banana skin or has a custard pie slapped into their face? The person who tripped over the banana skin, or was the recipient of the custard pie, has been made to look silly and that makes us feel good. In fact, it makes us feel so good that we laugh. This is called the Superiority Theory of humour. Some example:

A woman goes into a cafe with a duck. She puts the duck on a stool and sits next to it. The waiter comes over and says: “Hey! That's the ugliest pig that I have ever seen.” The woman says: “It’s a duck, not a pig.” And the Waiter says: “I was talking to the duck.”


The most popular theory of why we find jokes funny revolves around the concept of ‘incongruity’.
The idea is that we laugh at things that surprise us because they seem out of place.
In the same way, many jokes are funny because they involve ideas that run against our expectations. A bear walks into a bar. Animals talk. And so on.
Take the following jokes:

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says: “Do you know how to drive this?”

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant

I said to the Gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can't make Tuesdays.”


Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. “That's two hits,” says the other owl. “Two hits to who?” says the first.

Did you hear about the ice-cream man, he was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands? The police said that he had topped himself.


Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


Interestingly, according to the data, jokes containing 103 words are the funniest.
Many of the jokes submitted contained reference to animals. We found that jokes mentioning ducks are funnier than others.

If you would like further information, visit the laugh lab site here.


http://laughlab.co.uk/

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-patio-umbrella-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-wheel-fail.jpg?w=500&h=375

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-toilet-placement-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 18/4/10. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Lisa" instead of "Les"

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/wtf-pics-head-bus-trips.jpg

[accuracy]

We enjoy long walks on the beach, romance, and suplexes

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/wtf-pics-beach-closed.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/ridin-dirty-truck.jpg :)

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-land-before-time-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.

A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they're doing.

"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."

The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.

The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-virginity-soap-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/037e58b9e054b3c8dd7b/maltasers_top.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/037e58b9e054b3c8dd7b/maltasers_shock.gif

http://www.b3tards.com/u/037e58b9e054b3c8dd7b/maltasers.gif

[accuracy]

http://www.b3ta.com/images/challenge/posh_small.jpg

What with Royal Ascot and Wimbledon, the papers are full of photos of posh people doing posh things. But why should posh people get all the fun? We say make everything posher.

( Fraser has joined the Moomins., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 19:13)

http://www.b3tards.com/u/7986d25ff42318004a3e/shannon.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/928e77808e5867990cf6/2ladies_copy.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/0bb7ac49b9769052ddb6/sockdoctorb.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.brianedwards.co.uk/b3ta/iremainfullycognisant.jpg

http://www.brianedwards.co.uk/b3ta/endyourlifewithdifficulty.jpg

http://www.brianedwards.co.uk/b3ta/increasevelocity.jpg

[accuracy]

http://i42.tinypic.com/2mwa078.jpg

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h28/lordbofingham/twomagnums.jpg

http://usera.imagecave.com/marksta07/posterior.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036564.jpg

[accuracy]

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/celebrity-pictures-rose-west-sunglasses-indoors.jpg

[alrick888]

Most Common Psychiatric Disorders Explained in Layman's Terms by Dr H. Lecter M.D. Psy.D.:


PTSD - "Help! I want to run away from where I was just before!"

ADD - "I am distracted: I can't concentrate on what you're saying..."

Depression - "I've been down so long it seems like up to me."

Anorexia nervosa - "I can't pollute my virginal innocence with this dirty food."

Social phobia - "What if people find out I hate them...."

Paranoia - "They're must be SOMETHING outside of me!"

Schizophrenia - 'I am so lonely I am my own imaginary friend..."

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8C-1Fts_2g

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1796OXXdVzs

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/deep_thoughts.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-bathing-suit-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-helmet-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/im2393home97shione.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/lovsoe339clown.jpg

[accuracy]

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

[accuracy]

http://6.media.tumblr.com/jhrnRxFgukptfibqX1dGIba5o1_500.jpg


http://8.media.tumblr.com/i2dw5nf19py0i080a1012PR1o1_500.jpg

The Hurler Burger

A burger topped with Easy Cheese in a jelly donut.

[accuracy]

This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090804.gif

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-fence-patch-fail.jpg

[merlincove]

http://6.media.tumblr.com/jhrnRxFgukptfibqX1dGIba5o1_500.jpg


http://8.media.tumblr.com/i2dw5nf19py0i080a1012PR1o1_500.jpg

The Hurler Burger

A burger topped with Easy Cheese in a jelly donut.


OMG!

that is the nastiest 'food' thing i have seen in..... for ever

[alrick888]

http://standupforamerica.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/obama-brownshirt.jpg

The Nominee for Most Loved Nazi is: Barack "Brownshirt" Obama

[alrick888]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mg7D3kYysfw/R-DF9P2BlII/AAAAAAAAF1w/6f3aUUvgc-0/s400/6g36xd5.jpg

The Nominee for the Award for Most Ignorant Nazi is: Clueless Indian Shopper Boy

[alrick888]

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1040/1470465850_ba0476c3f0_o.jpg

The Nominee for the Award for Most Sexy Nazi Moderator Chick: Pink Freud

[alrick888]

http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/4715/lesbianconfront.jpg


The Nominee for the Award for Most Shockingly Accurate WWII Re-enactment: Amsterdam Gay Parade Gestapo Nazi

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/butt37hole.jpg

[accuracy]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

[accuracy]

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, stand at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by Saint Peter.

Jimmy: "How did you get here?"

Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"

Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day, hoping to catch the guy. I accused her of being unfaithful and searched the entire house without any luck. Then, I felt so horrible about the whole thing that I had a massive heart attack."

Johnny: "Oh, man. If you'd only checked the walk-in freezer, we'd both be alive."

[accuracy]

This plane is an apartment, your argument is invalid

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/wtf-pics-airpartment.jpg

[accuracy]

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/celebrity-pictures-david-hasselhoff-just-realized.jpg

[accuracy]

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/celebrity-pictures-madonna-heroin-addicts.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

The David Hasslehoff post was hilarious.
I hope that picture of Madonna is photoshopped. :eek:

http://zs1.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090329.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090328.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://zs1.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090323.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-purse-design-fail.jpg?w=500&h=375

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20081028.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/128931876454848759.jpg

[nofuture]

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_aug2007/Cropping.jpg
http://www.forumammo.com/cpg/albums/userpics/10071/funny.jpg
http://www.smackinthecrack.com/image.axd?picture=yikers_mcdonalds_fist_smile1.jpg

[accuracy]

A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Completely embarrassed, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-child-seat-fail.jpg

[alrick888]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/run_for_you_life.jpg

[accuracy]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[accuracy]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

[accuracy]

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist."What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/you_heard_me.jpg

This crab is a tough guy, possibly a wise guy

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/wtf-pics-too-cheap-for-tank.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/wtf-pics.jpg

[accuracy]

What I Want In A Man!
By a typical woman

What I Want in a Man, Original List:


1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[accuracy]

http://rookery4.aviary.com/storagev12/1831000/1831331_6778_625x1000.jpg

[belfast atheist]

http://i28.tinypic.com/2i6fkt3.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-door-pull-fail.jpg

[noewhan]

http://www.monkeyreview.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/1237521984934.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/210toilet23587287775.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-lightswitch-fail.jpg

[nofuture]

As it's exam results day.......

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j138/GodSaveIdiAmin/SWScan00045.jpg

[accuracy]

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-spiderman-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/wtf-pics-kangaroo-creeps.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/stop-texting.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/447horse5094870.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/Lots-of-Restrictions.jpg

[accuracy]

Prostate exams are becoming more invasive and less private…


http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/wtf-pics-truck-doctor.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-sculpture-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/e24c5f2c5477ca531ba2/ice-age-sausage.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/69639/1250710217/SAUSAGELIPS.gif

[nofuture]

http://i07.bdbphotos.com/0L/48/0000911048-12276L.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036649.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/Bling-Teeth.jpg

[accuracy]

Click on the image to read the full story:

http://www.jokesy.com/images/lawn-chair-neighbour-dispute1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/wtf-pics-purple-cyclist.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-wedding-kiss-fail.jpg

[merlincove]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jy-mAx0jQfc

[nofuture]

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2603678/Town-Mayor-is-quizzed-by-cops-in-missing-underwear-probe.html

Fleetwood dirty mac?

[nofuture]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XroGiiQkqP8

[enga]

This is funny to me:

http://lh4.ggpht.com/_hquXG1idPzI/SpQb94cUsGI/AAAAAAAAACc/xC-3TKjMVCM/s720/moam002.jpg

[accuracy]

John went to the store the other day. He was only in there for about five minutes, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So John went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored John and continued writing the ticket. So John called him a stupid idiot. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then John really got angry at the cop. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't care. His car was parked around the corner

[accuracy]

After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat.
One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant."
The other asks, "What's it called?"
The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says.
"The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!"
"Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man.
"Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-blue-screen-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/0830.jpg

[accuracy]

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

[accuracy]

A blonde goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?"
The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette.
"How much is this TV?" she asks.
Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
A few weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blondes!"
Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blonde?"
The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-sightseeing-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/motala.jpg

A 48-year-old female elephant named Motala walks on her newly attached prosthetic leg at the Elephant Hospital in Lampang province, north of Bangkok August 16, 2009. Motala's front left leg was maimed after she stepped on a landmine at the Myanmar-Thai border 10 years ago.
Photo/Phichaiyong Mayerku

[accuracy]

This guy is out in the country, and he sees a farmer with a three-legged pig. He asks the farmer what happened.

"Well, once there was a huge lightning storm. A bolt struck the house, which caught on fire. The pig goes down to the lake, gets water, puts out the fire, and saves us all," explains the farmer.

"Wow! So that's how he lost his leg?"

"No, sir. One morning a pack of grizzlies smelled some bacon my wife left out and started breaking through our windows. The pig scared them off and saved us all from certain death!"

"Ah, so that's how he lost his leg?"

"Nope," says the farmer. "But a pig that good? You can't eat him all at once."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/Cops-Hiding-Place.jpg

[accuracy]

Why don't witches wear undies?

To get better grip on their brooms.

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-bmw-fail.jpg

[smariot]

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb212/smariot/icke-prs.jpg

[enga]

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb212/smariot/icke-prs.jpg

lmfao

[accuracy]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-life-jacket-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/wtf-pics-no-pants-attack.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Has to be the best this year











Has to be the best this year.



A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up

and moves to the First Class section and sits down.



The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.



She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that

she will have to go and sit in the back.



The blonde replies,



'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'





The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that

there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and

won't move back to her seat.



The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only

paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have

to leave and return to her original seat.



The blonde replies,



"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'



Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably

should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman

who won't listen to reason.



The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? - I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde,

and I speak blonde!'



He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,



"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,"



gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.



The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make

her move without any fuss.



The pilot replied,



"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

=

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: THAI JOKE



A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having great s£x, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/547truck3408960.jpg

[accuracy]

This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-floor-name-fail.jpg

[mushroombot]

Subject: FW: Has to be the best this year











Has to be the best this year.



A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up

and moves to the First Class section and sits down.



The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.



She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that

she will have to go and sit in the back.



The blonde replies,



'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'





The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that

there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and

won't move back to her seat.



The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only

paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have

to leave and return to her original seat.



The blonde replies,



"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'



Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably

should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman

who won't listen to reason.



The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? - I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde,

and I speak blonde!'



He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,



"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,"



gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.



The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make

her move without any fuss.



The pilot replied,



"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

=

LMAO - I love that one:D

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/business-sucks-sale.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-public-pool-fail.jpg

[juttkeys]

I saw a scarecrow today in a field masturbating!.....
'Impossible' i thought to myself 'he's just clutching at straws!'

[accuracy]

I saw a scarecrow today in a field masturbating!.....
'Impossible' i thought to myself 'he's just clutching at straws!'

:D very funny!!

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/0400.jpg

[accuracy]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."

[accuracy]

http://www.bowlofserial.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/photoshop-oops-02.jpg

[accuracy]

Darth Vader Cupcake

http://geekpadshow.com/files/2009/08/darth-vader-cupcakes33.jpg


“Star Wars” Cupcakes

http://geekpadshow.com/files/2009/08/starwars-cupcake-540x467.jpg


Brain Cupcake


http://geekpadshow.com/files/2009/08/braincake.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/wtf-pics-new-neighbors.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-kiddie-road-fail.jpg

[outofthebox]

Brilliant :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDKiQfBs9lo

[accuracy]

A man was driving down the street, in a sweat, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find parking.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking space appeared.

The man looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-house-advertisement-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/wtf-pics-bottom-4-jesus.jpg

[accuracy]

Mud Butt

http://peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/104.jpg


I REALLY hope that isn’t what I think it is…

[accuracy]

http://peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/100.jpg

[accuracy]

http://peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/98.jpg

[accuracy]

http://peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/97.jpg

[accuracy]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN*

Between 18-25, a woman is like **Africa** half discovered, half wild & naturally beautiful!


Between 25-35, a woman is like **Europe** well-developed, fertile and sophisticated. **

Between 35-45, a woman is like **Spain** very hot, relaxed & convinced of her own beauty.

Between 45-50, a woman is like **Greece** a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 50-60, a woman is like **Italy** flirtatious with a love of good food, wine and company. **

Between 61-70, a woman is like **France** graceful, cultured and refined. **

After 70, she becomes **Tibet** wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...*



and







*THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN *





Between 1 and 70, a man is like **Iran** ruled by nuts...

[nofuture]

http://17.media.tumblr.com/Yus0zHlZRmnm6k4zNPwcvR1so1_500.jpg
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j138/GodSaveIdiAmin/Wife.jpg