A humour thread

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-galactic-mugging.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-nut-ad-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-jeans-fail.jpg

[boots]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
---------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________ _______________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[boots]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot
one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy . He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot.'The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'
Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for YOU.
---There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding
ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[boots]

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands
from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy........
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

[boots]

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Ralphy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?
Little Ralphy answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.

[boots]

The Greatest Prank Call Ever



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI


.

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://www.marriedtothesea.com/042208/oops-thats-not-funny.gif

[boots]

Not funny but..... true

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-husband-fail1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-hell-on-ice.jpg

[dainis bophary]

http://a0.vox.com/6a00c225257b9bf21900e398a096b80002-500pi

[accuracy]

http://a0.vox.com/6a00c225257b9bf21900e398a096b80002-500pi

An excellent post! :)

[accuracy]

All You Can Eat... Er, Eat All You Want You're Already Fat sign.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/eat_all_you_want.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/download_a_car.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-drink-water-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/smile.jpg

[dainis bophary]

http://www.filestreamer.net/elephant_lol.jpg

[dainis bophary]

http://www.failpix.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/fail.png
LOL!

[nofuture]

http://i526.photobucket.com/albums/cc345/kd00009/antichav.jpg

[cheeney1]

http://pennybutler.com/wp-content/uploads/image/image001188.jpg

[cheeney1]

http://www.wondercomments.com/funny/funny_comment_28.jpg

[accuracy]

What am I to learn from this picnic?

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-picnic.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-wall-of-chairs.jpg

[accuracy]

There are good party boats and bad party boats. This looks bad…


http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-bad-party-boat.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-undercover-fail.jpg

[lewi]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pjVN0R_MKw

[dainis bophary]

http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/epic_fail_tattoo_demotivational-poster.jpg

[dainis bophary]

http://www.dogsplaza.com/img/funny/funny-dogs_9098_(www.banterous.com)_funny.jpg

[nofuture]

http://www.city.com/forums/uploads/5/pooh.jpg

[nofuture]

http://www.swinefighter.com/

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-wise-man-cat.jpg

[cheeney1]

http://jmccormick.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/f-funny-cat-3539.jpg

[white horse]

Tiger Woods' new yatch!

http://www.hot-screensaver.com/wp-myimages/tiger-woods-yacht.jpg

[dainis bophary]

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/safe.jpg

[accuracy]

Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/bags-of-sand.jpg

The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags?”
“Just sand,” replied Jose.

The guard says, “OK get off the bike and we’ll take a look. Who carries all that sand around?”

The guard takes the bags and empties them on the ground and sure enough there’s nothing but sand.

However he is suspicious and so he detains Jose overnight while he gets the sand analysed. The next morning he receives the report that states that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard has no choice but to release Jose and puts the sand into new bags, slings them onto the man’s shoulders, and waves him across the border.

A week later exactly the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got in those bags?”
Jose replies “Sand.”

The guard performs the same examinations on the bags and discovers nothing but sand. Once again he gives the sand back to Jose who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for over a year until finally Jose stops showing up.

A few weeks later the guard bumps into Jose in a Cantina in a local village.

The guard approaches Jose and says, “What’s happened to you lately I haven’t seen you”.

Jose replies “That’s right I have finished the job I was doing.” “So what sort of job involves taking bags of sand over the border” asks the guard.

Jose sips at his beer and replies, “Smuggling bicycles!”

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesy.com/images/did-you-hear-about-the-guy-whose-whole-left-side-w.jpg

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?
The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the young man who got really worried when his nose kept growing until it was eleven inches long?
He thought it might turn into a foot.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the florist who had two children?
One is a budding genius and the other one is a blooming idiot.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the mad scientist who crossed a parrot with an alligator?
It bit off his arm and said, 'who's a pretty boy then?'




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the musical ghost?
He wrote haunting melodies.


----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the woman who was so ugly she could make yogurt just by staring at a glass of milk for an hour?




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated working in the country?
He went to London and got a job as a shoe-shine boy. So the farmer made hay while the son shone.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the fool who keeps going around saying "no" anytime someone asks them a question?
No.
Oh, it's you!





----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem?
He thought that nobody important was out to get him.





----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the guy who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He was popping out of bed all night.



----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the yachtsman who had his arm cut off so that he could sail round the world single-handed.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear about the child who was named after his father?
They called him dad.




----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
No, what?
He was repossessed.

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-spoon-toilet.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-hotdog-billboard-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/got939mailbox9.jpg

[kale]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3415/3492511794_dfbcccc329_o.jpg

got frog?

[kale]

http://2.media.tumblr.com/b9vfl4b63mx95ptcm7nkiAjGo1_500.jpg

http://i729.photobucket.com/albums/ww293/bda36_2009/fun-with-chicken-kfc-restaurant-4_0.jpg

http://i729.photobucket.com/albums/ww293/bda36_2009/6858.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v103/fblue/fergie.gif

http://www.offthepost.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/balloon.gif

http://i729.photobucket.com/albums/ww293/bda36_2009/burger.jpg

http://i42.tinypic.com/fbyk39.jpg

[white horse]

:Dhttp://www.marriedtothesea.com/042208/oops-thats-not-funny.gif

yeah... word... :D

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-grizzly-hot-tub.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-boy-thermostat-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/24.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/t110itanicvan110.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.rense.com/1.imagesH/mercats.jpg

[noewhan]

Hell yeh FOX! You tools!

http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/3137/booyahfox.jpg

They can't remove what is true!
(well this time anyway)

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-fencing-still-spor.jpg

[accuracy]

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

[accuracy]

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat."The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/bird-smuggler.jpg


This photo provided by the Department of Justice shows detained suspect Sony Dong, with songbirds strapped to his legs at Los Angeles International Airport. Dong was charged Tuesday, May 5, 2009 with smuggling song birds into the United States by strapping more than a dozen of them to his legs and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles International Airport.
Photo/Department of Justice

[accuracy]

When you visit your friend’s house, put a squirt of washing up liquid in their dishwasher. Next time they run it suds will come oozing out the door.

Place a coin on the ground and wait for someone to bend down to pick it up. As they do, tear a piece of fabric and they’ll think they just burst their pants.

Tie a thin, almost invisible piece of thread to a coin and place it on the ground. Wait for someone to bend down towards it and pull it away at the last second.

Wait 'till someone is drinking a can of fizzy soda and when they’re not looking drop in some sugar or a sugar sweet. The soda will fizz up and start pouring uncontrollably out of the can.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/dirty-soap-practical-jokes.jpg

Practical Joke Soap

This is a very simple prank.

Simply get a new bar of soap and paint it with clear nail varnish.

Let it dry and place it out to be used.



Toilet Pranks:

Prank 1... An old classic.

Place cling film (plastic wrap) across the toilet bowl and lower the seat.

Prank 2...

Add a thin layer of Vaseline to the toilet seat. Your victim won't know what it is.

Prank 3...

Wait until you're sure the toilet will remain unused for at least 24 hours.

Get 2 - 3 packets of powdered jello and mix it into the toilet water until dissolved.

Let it set. (The more jello you use the harder it will set).



Envelope Prank:

Fill a large brown envelope about 70% with shaving foam.

Close over the flap but don't seal it.

Place it part way, flap first under a friends door and call them to get it.

When you hear them walking towards it, jump on the back end of the envelope and shaving foam will spray everywhere.



Snot Prank:

Get some green jelly and mash it up with some tiny bits of balled up lettuce.

Stuff it up your nose.

When someone’s watching, fake a sneeze all over your hands.

For best effect, eat it !

[accuracy]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself
to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[accuracy]

Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You! Off my planet!

8. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

16. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

17. Adults are just kids who owe money.

18. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

23. Earth is full. Go home.

24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

26. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

28. You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery''

29. I've seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

30. You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-snowpocalypse.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-tricycle-fail1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-street-sweeper-fail.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

Keep up the good work, accuracy and everyone else who posts here! :)

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.qwantz.com/comics/comic2-1491.png

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.qwantz.com/comics/comic2-43.png

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.qwantz.com/comics/comic2-212.png

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF246-Bee.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF244-Preach_Skate.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF035-Dinner_Time_Machine.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/comics/00000086.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/comics/00000107.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/comics/00000115.gif

[onourwayto2012]

Hahahahaha!!!..... that was SO hilarious! I can see why you posted it 9 times!!!

[accuracy]

Keep up the good work, accuracy and everyone else who posts here! :)

Thanks a lot cafetimes1991 :D

[accuracy]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/200german091802.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-jury-duty-fail4.jpg

Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my familys wellbeing at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our “justice” system and I don’t want to have a goddamn thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the f–k alone.

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-santa-sharks.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/56500/Joker-s-Flu--56556.jpg

[onourwayto2012]

Hahahahaha!!!..... that was SO hilarious! I can see why you posted it 9 times!!!

woops!.... sorry cafe....due to an internet glitch yesterday all your posts were blank..... so I was being a smartypants....:o

[accuracy]

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each
boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was"...

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-playground-area-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-gran-scoot.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/205parkair23980593.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/secu498ucar58.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-side-tattoo-fail.jpg

[nofuture]

http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h163/kidvicious_photos/cid_EB48A613F5AB4853BBB68DF0EE0D8E0.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Knickers


Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them?

Mum said: "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".

Susie said: "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/chewbacca_highschool_photo.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-god-love-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-reject-christ.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/shit98servicio.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/petairways.jpg

A pilot walks with a pet dog after stepping off a Pet Airways flight. Move over Jet Set -- here comes the Pet Set, as Pet Airways prepares to launch the first pet-only airline specifically designed for the safe and comfortable transportation of pets, with the first pet flights scheduled for July 14, 2009.
Photo/PET Airways

[accuracy]

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-naked-rocks.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-microwave-bowels-name-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/car_stuck_in_cement.jpg

[cheeney1]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP5oVvwseWk&feature=PlayList&p=FAC9A24E957E5B80&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa-wcPCGPw4&feature=PlayList&p=FAC9A24E957E5B80&index=15

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rRyiidjU1o&feature=PlayList&p=FAC9A24E957E5B80&index=0


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXJYvS87q1c&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgAW2zaGkXU&feature=related

[nofuture]

http://img399.imageshack.us/img399/9277/3722213745fd918df77.jpg

[nofuture]

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e357/homeslice512/chickens.jpg
http://www.portisart.com/images/John_Lydon_butter.jpg

[accuracy]

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/bats2.jpg

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/28pipi25434.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ass93fregance.jpg

[accuracy]

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-also-buy-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/hotty.png

[nofuture]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbIJ_G15BQ

[accuracy]

The Simpsons has a number of running gags. One of the best are the prank calls which go a little bit like this:
Bart calls Moe's and asks for a phony name, one which will make Moe look stupid if he says it out loud. Moe falls for it. The patrons laugh. Moe realises he's been duped again and makes vicious threats down the phone. Bart hangs up roaring with laughter.

Which are the funniest prank calls Bart has pulled off over the years? Here are 10 of the best. If you have more post them below:

http://www.jokesy.com/images/simpsons-prank-calls-moe1.jpg


1. "Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I.P. Freely!"


2. "Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!"


3. "Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?"


4. "Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem?"


5. "Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?"


6. "Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!"


7. "Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!"


8. "Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!"


9. "Homer Sexual? Come on, come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!"


10. "Phone call for Al! Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here?"


http://www.jokesy.com/images/bart-prank-call-laughing.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-half-car-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-santa-coaster.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-boss-butt-tunnel.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-mini-golf-fail.jpg

[nofuture]

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/96/249941924_66a0aec8f7.jpg

[nofuture]

http://i680.photobucket.com/albums/vv167/sbsarahjane/Misc/toilet3.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-compact-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-breathing-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/snail-face.jpg

This image provided by Suzanne Davis on Saturday, May 16, 2009 shows Fin Keheler, 11, of Sandy, Utah, attempting to break the world record for the number of snails placed on the face for 10 seconds, during an attempt in Sandy Utah. Keheler is hoping to have the attempt verified by the Guinness Book of World Records.
Photo/Suzanne Davis

[accuracy]

And good luck to her. :eek:

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/political-pictures-cloudy-boats.jpg

[nofuture]

GREEDY expenses grabbing MPs have been lampooned in a spoof Make Poverty History advert.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and ministers Jacqui Smith, Hazel Blears, Jack Straw and Ed Balls appear in the hilarious video wearing white t-shirts and clicking their fingers.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2443702/Make-MPs-poverty-history.html

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/354wheels902348504.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/mensroom_wallpaper.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/fail-owned-slut-receipt-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

What do you think they look like?

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/899000/899435_cbcc_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1426500/1426625_ad24_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1420000/1420409_89ee_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1424000/1424083_6894_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1426500/1426791_84cb_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1424500/1424681_dcae_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1422500/1422960_31fd_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1426000/1426227_f4cf_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1426500/1426780_ea0e_625x1000.jpg

...............end of slideshow......................................:D

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/first-class-sleeper.jpg

This photo provided by Virgin Atlantic Airways, Ltd. shows an upper-class seat in a lie-flat position. An increasing number of airlines are offering flat-bed seats to business and/or first class international passengers.
Photo/Virgin Atlantic

[nofuture]

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j138/GodSaveIdiAmin/briefs.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090523.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20070324.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20070403.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20070410.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20080926.gif

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-naked-in-rain.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-colr-book-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-lord-of-flies.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/first39calsscrui9.jpg

[merlincove]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-lord-of-flies.jpg

So Very Wrong

:eek:

[accuracy]

Yeah i know, but always feel FREE to remove posts, as it doesnt bother me. :D

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-lost-bus-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Violin Jokes

http://www.jokesy.com/images/violin-jokes.jpg

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.


What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.


Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.


How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.


How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!


String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."


Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.


Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.


What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.


Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.


Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.


A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"


Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."


"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

[accuracy]

Pain Reliefs.

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

[accuracy]

Firm It Up!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/do_not_knock.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-crowd-c-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/6519/cidaf5841adff9449d68adc.jpg

[accuracy]

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

[accuracy]

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/6722/cid8d55aecd48f14dd89b15.gif

I bought a deodorant stick today.
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions.
They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!!

[accuracy]

IRISH SAUSAGES


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'


He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.






Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'



Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'





He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.


Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'


Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '





They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'


The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.


They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.


At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'





Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[accuracy]

http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/328/pig20flu.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-faucet-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img34.imageshack.us/img34/7141/retirement.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img30.imageshack.us/img30/466/canlift.jpg

[accuracy]

1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --damn
you, Chelsea!

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.

3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar
Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6
million.

9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.

10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.

11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
$2,000. Protests planned.

14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.

16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time.
No response.

17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online
experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvqlmSo2LBg&feature=player_embedded

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-dui-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-pool-hall-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-blow-up-to-rescue.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesy.com/images/statistics-jokes.jpg

A statistician is an accountant without the charisma.


A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.


Theory and practice are the same in theory. In practice they are different.


Without geometry, life is pointless.


The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.


Every day, innumeracy affects 8 out of 5 people.


A mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview, they are asked the question, what is 1 1.
The mathematician replies, "I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique."
The applied mathematician, after some thought, replies, "The answer is approximately 1.99, with an error in the region of 0.01."
The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually returns in desperation and inquires, "So what do you want it to be?"


Did you hear about the statistician who put her head in the oven and her feet in the refrigerator?
She said, "On average, I feel just fine."


Statistics means never having to say you're certain.


If you want three opinions, just ask two statisticians.


Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs?
It's obvious, really: Among the 57 million people in Britain, there are probably 5,000 people who have only one leg. Therefore, the average number of legs is 1.99.
And because most people have two legs...


Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One—plus or minus three.



Did you hear about the politician who promised that if he were elected he'd make certain that everybody would get an above-average income? (And nobody laughed....)


A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"


Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.


Lottery: A tax on the statistically-challenged.

[accuracy]

A grim santa.

http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/67/grimsanta.gif

[nofuture]

http://www.nationalcynical.com/images/computerbettermaintained.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/433sayno4090686.jpg

[accuracy]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[accuracy]

A nice relaxing toilet to rock on and fall asleep while mid-pooping


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/rocking_toilet.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-pretty-dancers-ak4.jpg

[nofuture]

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/7898/crocodileyield.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-where-hide-toy.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-kid-tow-fail.jpg

[lizzy]

thanks accuracy.i must remember to hit your thread everytime i sign in..:D

[accuracy]

thanks accuracy.i must remember to hit your thread everytime i sign in..:D

You are very welcome, lizzy.
And no, thank you for enjoying this thread!! :D

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/wtf-pics-tank-baby.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-gender-s-fail.jpg

[relentless]

http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/2536/ukbeatyou.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/hiring_truck_drivers.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/fd09450ops.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/expres99line.jpg

[accuracy]

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

[accuracy]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
:D

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/eminem_sacha_cohen.jpg

Sacha Baron Cohen, in character as Bruno, lands onto Eminem, center, as he is lowered into the audience while wearing a jockstrap and angel wings during the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday May 31, 2009, in Universal City, Calif. Eminem stormed out of the awards after his face was removed from Cohen's crotch.
Photo/Matt Sayles

[accuracy]

http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/905/pic16279.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/fail-owned-facebook-ad-corrupted-file-solution-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/amphicar.jpg

Bernd Weise from Amphicar Club Berlin, pilots his 1961 Amphicar down the Grand Canal, past the Rialto bridge at rear, in Venice May 28, 2009. The German-built amphibious car, which uses a Triumph Herald engine, is capable of over 70mph by road and 8 knots on water. Its driver needs a regular driving license and a boat license. Photo/Michele Crosera

[accuracy]

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.

One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"

"What Dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/cat_sees_what_you_did.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-boy-and-goat.jpg

[accuracy]

REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You’re never too old to enjoy chocolate.
It’s safe to have chocolate while you’re driving.
You never feel guilty after chocolate.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
With chocolate – satisfaction’s guaranteed.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/chocoholic.jpg


REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN

No one’s ever been jilted by a chocolate gateau.
After telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it.
You can share chocolates with your best friend.
A bar of chocolate doesn’t bore you by constantly talking about football.
Your mother will never disapprove of your choice of chocolate.



REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

Chocolate never keeps you waiting.
Chocolate doesn’t get jealous when you look at another chocolate bar.
You never have to buy a box of chocolates for a box of chocolates.
Chocolate doesn’t talk incessantly while you’re watching the football.
It doesn’t expect you to remember the anniversary of the first time you met.
Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend.
Chocolate isn’t looking for a long term commitment.

[hells hero]

The footage from Tianaman square has just been on the news channel. Just before it came on the presenter said 'this footage contains some images some people may find distressing'. What? Does he think the Chinese govenrment watch BBC24!

[antiem]

Serbia: the police has stopped an elderly drunken car driver to do a alcohol test. :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03OPcn80Uzs

[antiem]

corn problems

[vril]

corn problems

now THATS what I calll a "corny" joke! :D

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/fail-owned-warning-sign-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Good news ladies…the motorcycles are expected to live

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/wtf_pics-fashion-translatio.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/crapped_on_car.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/192xno_parking45737.jpg

[accuracy]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

[nofuture]

http://www.viz.co.uk/images/ads/5.gif

[asha loka]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/128886201887119463.jpg

[merlincove]

http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv35/merlincove/imminent-loldog-fail.jpg

http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv35/merlincove/090223040514_Fail_038.jpg

http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv35/merlincove/10may29-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-shoes-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-plumbing-win.jpg

[nofuture]

http://www.motifake.com/demotivational-poster/0809/ghetto-insurance-demotivational-poster-1221358483.jpg

[nofuture]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15xbtK7r-SA

Jewish family upset that daughter hooks up with Italian:D

[accuracy]

That’s right Maury, I was born this way…

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-stringface.jpg

[ricko]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUDthxXXC-c&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjSXCu7YO2s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MeEQ7PS5p4&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s08FTh1xhmU&feature=related

:)

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-removal-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-tj-phone.jpg

[sphelix]

accuracy.. i have been following this forum for almost a year and read all 296 pages of your thread that sometimes really helped my day. i just joined to tell you to keep em coming, i am reading and thanking you for each post. they really should make it a sticky as a minimum tribute to you.

cheers.

[accuracy]

accuracy.. i have been following this forum for almost a year and read all 296 pages of your thread that sometimes really helped my day. i just joined to tell you to keep em coming, i am reading and thanking you for each post. they really should make it a sticky as a minimum tribute to you.

cheers.

I would be SOOOOO grateful if this thread becomes a sticky!! :D

At least it would make it MUCH easier for me (and others) to find this thread straight away, in the top shelf department. !!

Cheers :D:)

[accuracy]

Australian tourist promo

( You tube )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0w3J5mtExc

[accuracy]

> Subject: FW: Bad Tooth
>
>
>
>
> A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
>
> and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
>
>
> He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
>
>
> He approaches the bartender and asks,
>
> 'What's with the money in the jar?'
>
>
> 'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,
>
> you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
>
>
> The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
>
> And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
>
>
> 'You must pay first... Those are the rules,'
>
> says the bartender.
>
>
> So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the
>
> bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
>
>
> 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
>
> First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or
> less,
>
> and you can't make a face while doing it.
>
>
> Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
>
> You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
>
>
> Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
>
> You have to take care of that problem!'
>
>
> The man is stunned.
>
> 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
>
> You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila,
>
> and then do all those other things...'
>
>
> 'Your call,' says the bartender.....
>
> 'But, your money stays where it is.'
>
> As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,
>
> he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
>
>
> He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
>
> Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and
>
> he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
>
> Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull
>
> chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling,
>
> biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
>
> Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
>
> he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open
>
> and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
>
>
> He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
>
>
> The moral to the story:
> Listen carefully to the directions, and don't
> trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036390.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036385.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-birthday-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"

The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.

Horrified, the pharmacist says, "Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.

The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, "Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

[lupa]

a man with a bomb walks into a pet shop and places the bomb on the counter and shouts "you have 30 seconds to get out!

the tortoise at the back of the shop shouts back

YOU CUNT!!

[lupa]

whats the difference between dirty harry and anal sex?

well, dirty harry will make your day and anal sex will make your hole week

tad tar!

[nofuture]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4NfoRzprMM

[anahata]

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[entrangermercenary]

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Very good made me laugh after the day ive had :eek:

[accuracy]

Ever wondered



what the Michelin Man's sister looks like?


http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/8688/att08800211124.jpg

?
?
?
?
?

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/8399/att08801322235.jpg

WONDER NO MORE

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-kid-package.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-parenting-fail.jpg

[merlincove]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-kid-package.jpg

that kids face is a picture.......

[evillive]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-loser-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-magnetic-terror.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-piggyback-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Fidel & Michelli

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1553500/1553904_3cfa_625x1000.jpg


Nicole Smith and JFK

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1553000/1553373_3df2_625x1000.jpg

John Wayne and Heath Ledger RIP

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1553000/1553005_f5f0_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1070000/1070156_df61_625x1000.jpg
Both parents gave their DNA data, the uploading went ok and the doctor waits in the other room for the "downloading"


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1532000/1532251_3c8e_625x1000.jpg

Everybody knows that babies come from the balloon store, that's why our belly buttons look like that

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1532000/1532189_c554_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1529000/1529002_6ad9_625x1000.jpg

Green Bean Babies

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1531500/1531899_2307_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1531000/1531126_2001_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1530500/1530578_ce7e_625x1000.jpg
The Octomom had it cranked up full blast


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1530000/1530078_ca90_625x1000.jpg


and at last, a BEER baby.


http://rookery3.aviary.com/storagev12/1531000/1531234_aa27_625x1000.jpg

[evillive]

This thread is super extra vaganza fybby when ur drunk like i am now:)

Lol i mean funny not "fubby"...lol im making up new words.

Rofl this is like 4th time i edited this post. (weekend-WIN, Typing-FAIL) rofl

[evillive]

Omfg lol:eek:

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-shirt-fail.jpg

[nofuture]

http://cagle.com/working/090610/horsey.jpg

[accuracy]

This thread is super extra vaganza fybby when ur drunk like i am now:)

Lol i mean funny not "fubby"...lol im making up new words.

Rofl this is like 4th time i edited this post. (weekend-WIN, Typing-FAIL) rofl

At least you were laughing! :D

[accuracy]

Cigarette Weapons pictures photo shop

http://www.freakingnews.com/Pictures/4/Cigarette-Weapons.jpg

To increase the world awareness of how cigarettes put our lives at risk, photoshop cigarettes as weapons (or being parts of weapons). We will also accept smoking pipes and tobacco being used as weapons (or part of weapons).


I'm posting this with a ciggy in hand. :)

Check out the entries:

http://www.freakingnews.com/Cigarette-Weapons-Pictures--2460-0.asp

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/political-pictures-nuns-penis-celibacy.jpg

[nofuture]

http://xde.xanga.com/20db92111203050271934/b33750557.jpg

[ricko]

Omfg lol:eek:

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-shirt-fail.jpg

*pisses my self laughing

ahaha :D

[accuracy]

There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "Dude! What do you think of that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!” the passenger yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036408.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-investment-win.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-littlest-park-vac.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/cannibul_cake.jpg

[accuracy]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf-pics-trash-can-guy.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-hair-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/fail-owned-belt-fail.jpg

[nofuture]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30157

Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes

[nofuture]

http://www.balconyshirts.co.uk/Gallery/product/Mens%20Regular%20T-Shirts/Aporkalypse%20Now/Pork-kha-popPopup.jpg

[accuracy]

Well folks. These are without a doubt the worst jokes ever told. If you know any worse than these, feel free to post them below.

Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl?
There was a restraining order.

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

What do you call epileptic lettuce?
Seizure salad.

Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank?
Because she had an interest in the principal.

What do you get when you cross a cobra tamer and a playwright?
William Snakespeare

What is the best time to eat reindeer meat?
When you're hungry.

How did the hermit pay for his home?
Alone.

What do you call a dead magician's assistant?
An abracadaver.

How did the hot dog vendor tackle his job?
With relish.

What were the unauthorized protestors guilty of doing?
Marching banned.

A patient said to a psychiatrist, "I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint."
The psychiatrist said, "Sounds like you have a gilt complex."

What do you call the Association of Blood Donors?
The IV League.

Why couldn't the chicken fly through the window?
It was closed.

How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary?
With a warlock.

Why did the baker bake more bread?
He kneaded the dough.

How do spies send secret messages in a forest?
By moss code.

What makes a chef sadder the skinnier it gets?
An onion.

Why are bison such good musicians?
They have fantastic horns.

Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.

What do you call a spooky waterway?
The Eerie Canal.

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036419.jpg