A humour thread

[abrilliantone]

A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?

The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.

So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog.

The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.

The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her.

His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.

The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?"

The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the fuck outta here." :D

[dangermouse]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,
under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
'Sister, have you
seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from
under her skirt and
said,

I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I
don't want to go to Iraq.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but
you have a great pair of
legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little
higher, you would have seen a
great Pair of nuts...I don't want to go to Iraq
either.'

[merlincove]

Brilliant, fell off my chair again :-)

i haven't got a sense of humour pink, ask the kids :rolleyes:

[accuracy]

Ecellent postings by you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep up the good work!:D
:D:D

[accuracy]

Racist Food


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/569kkk34897896.jpg

[accuracy]

Sounds Of Silence

This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.

After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Blankets"

After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Food"

After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"

The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"

[accuracy]

Hand Egg.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/hand_egg.jpg

[accuracy]

Hand Imprint Bra.

For the women who always want to be groped.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/hand_imprint_bra.jpg

[accuracy]

Answering Machine Messages

http://www.jokesy.com/images/funny-answering-machine-message.jpg

(in the voice of John McEnroe)
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.

Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. Sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.

"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"

"This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 1am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.

(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."

"Hello. This is John's answering machine, Martin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

This is the fridge. The answering machine is on holidays so leave a message and I'll write it on one of those little bits of paper and stick it to myself.

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/shark-bite-tasmania.jpg

A surfboard which a bite taken out of it by a shark in Binalong Bay, near St Helens, Tasmania is seen in this handout obtained January 12, 2009. An Australian surfer punched a five-meter (16-ft) shark in the head as he rescued his 13-year-old cousin who had been bitten on the leg and dragged beneath the water, local media reported on Monday. Photo/Tasmania Police

[abrilliantone]

L.M.A.O. dangermouse and accuracy :D


http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/rude/rude021.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/rude/rude004.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/rude/rude011.jpg

[accuracy]

If...


If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!

[orbandsceptre27]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZCoIege8oM

[januspolanski]

^ Thats Awesome.

[januspolanski]

Whats pink and orange and lies at the bottom of the pool?

A baby with a burst armband.

[abrilliantone]

The Four Kings

Name four kings that have given more pleasure to us than anything in the history of our lifetime?

Fucking, Sucking, Drinking and Wanking :D

[abrilliantone]

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you’re a vet..." :D

[scatlond]

The Four Kings

Name four kings that have given more pleasure to us than anything in the history of our lifetime?

Fucking, Sucking, Drinking and Wanking :D

That is fourking hilarious.:D

[abrilliantone]

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he’s driving a car (http://www.dirtyjokesinc.com/joke-dirty_jokes-3413.htm#). The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can’t talk right now....I’m driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I’m exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That’s great," replied the nurse, "I’m glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie’s room, and goes across the hall into Fred’s room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Fred what the hell are you doing!?"

Fred smiles and replies, "I’m fucking Charlie’s wife. He’s in Chicago!" :D

[abrilliantone]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes’ silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class (http://www.dirtyjokesinc.com/joke-dirty_jokes-3411.htm#) was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit. :D

[scatlond]

Sit down, Going anti clockwise circle your foot in the air, then with you index finger draw 6 in the air, try and do it without your foot changing direction.

[noewhan]

Lawl!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dz303ScAye8

[accuracy]

I'm Still waiting....
I did what you told me..
I sent the email to 10 people like you said.
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.



http://img382.imageshack.us/img382/2498/yeababyim9.jpg

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other
promises of good luck ~ if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!
Could you please just send Petrol, LPG, money, Wine or Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or airline tickets instead?


Thank you!

[accuracy]

What goes through your mind when someone says "Let's go for a drink"?

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/3674/wantadrink1sc0.jpg

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/8854/wantadrink2xl3.jpg


http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/3224/wantadrink3ms9.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Can you read sheet music?

http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/9450/musicalsheetud3.gif

[abrilliantone]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA651Lik3c0

:D

[merlincove]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA651Lik3c0

:D

absolutely brilliant

:D

[accuracy]

Things to Ponder


http://www.jokesy.com/images/things-questions-to-ponder.jpg


1. Is there another word for synonym?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[accuracy]

Annual Physical

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

[abrilliantone]

I swear everytime I hear about the "evolution theory." This always comes to mind. :)


If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?



Evolutionist just don't get that. :D

[dingly]

A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?"
The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom
"just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're
in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says
"those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy
what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy.
So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with
you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just
don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's
that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.
So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had
a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his
parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn
your head lights on there's a snake in your bush!"

[mushroombot]

http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo335/mushroombot/sheepdog.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo335/mushroombot/sheepdog.jpg


Brilliant pic mushroombot :)

[accuracy]

Subject: Chuckle


http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/7088/viagratabletsdk9.jpg


BUYING Viagra


An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 96' said the old man, 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/119great-fans3409328409324.jpg

[accuracy]

The Dial

A woman went to her plastic surgeon to discuss her frown lines. The surgeon brought out a dial.

"If you see any wrinkles, just twist this dial and it will stretch your skin."

The woman tried the dial and it was working great! But after three years with the dial, she had to see the surgeon again.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong; I keep twisting the dial but I just can't get these bags out from under my eyes."

The Doctor said ", I'm sorry but, those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts."

"Oh," she said. "That would explain the goatee."

[mari]

Doctors' Opinions of the Financial Crisis


The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the

Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.



The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the

Paediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the

Radiologists could see right through it, and the

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.



The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.



The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Government.

[abrilliantone]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Co-dms1IAQ


:D

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-nation-distinction-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Serious Safety Fail


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-construction-safety-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Reliable Trucking Fail :eek:


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-reliable-trucking-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Embarrassing Ski moment...


http://www.jokesy.com/images/ski.jpg

Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/333bounce2938478957.gif

[accuracy]

Head Notice


A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you
only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/in_russia_smoking.jpg

[accuracy]

Ugly Boy

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."

[accuracy]

Extreme Parking Failure.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/extreme_parking_failure.jpg

[accuracy]

Urinal Fail


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-age-to-pee-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Parade Float Fail


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-parade-float-fai.jpg

[accuracy]

Wii Fail :rolleyes:



http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=WrrvkPo7TZ4&eurl=http://failblog.org/&feature=player_embedded

[mushroombot]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=UbJgAthnTo4&

[accuracy]

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

** Don't squat with your spurs on.

** Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

** Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

** The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

** If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

** The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

** Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

** Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

** Always drink upstream from the herd.

** Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

** Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

** When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

** When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

** Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

** Never miss a good chance to shut up.

[accuracy]

Greedy Funeral Home


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/378funeral4896860.jpg

[boots]

LOL

Thanks guys for the laughs:D

Everyone who has posted on here a big thumbs up

[accuracy]

Smart Advertisment


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/good203commercial.jpg

[accuracy]

Sean Connery joke.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/sean_connery_joke.jpg

[accuracy]

Where Are My Pants?


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/737000/737419_ea23_625x1000.jpg
Another brokeback cowboy confesses his true colors.

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/904500/904868_d150_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/904000/904129_440d_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/892500/892974_deab_625x1000.jpg
Now you know (2 minutes pause) I'm NOT the ugly one...


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/904000/904360_e2a0_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/887500/887510_7ed2_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/904500/904592_2177_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/900000/900071_404e_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/904000/904325_1540_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/902000/902403_f7aa_625x1000.jpg
travolta is bringing sexy back... or trying rather

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/904500/904773_8f86_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/901500/901736_746e_625x1000.jpg
"Psssst, Hillary, can I talk to you for one sec??"

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-water-fountain-f.jpg

[accuracy]

Today in the Stock Market


http://www.jokesy.com/images/stock-market-jokes.jpg


Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cow steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

[abrilliantone]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass." :D

[abrilliantone]

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." :D

[abrilliantone]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog. :D

[accuracy]

Having "spyware" (over sensitive) problems!
Just had to uninstall spydetector and now trying this free
version: Spyware Terminator wheree one has
more control over the settings?

We'll see. :)

[accuracy]

http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/6863/image001111113gz2.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/92opposites09287598345.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/ultra_slim.jpg

[accuracy]

Get It On

I'm not sure if this was advertising lube or condoms.


http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/L7CDiiT8.jpg

Video link:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1232728366/Get_It_On

[accuracy]

Worst Joke Ever Told

A professor from the University of Hertfodshire conducted a study to find the most cringe worthy joke on the face of the planet. The results of his study are below.
Counting down from 5 to 1, here are the worst jokes of all time!

5.
Q. If I eat three cakes in the morning and three for tea, what will I have?
A. A tummy ache.

4.
Q. Why were the rabbits eating the motorway?
A. Because it was a duel cabbageway.

3.
Q. What’s green and like’s snow?
A. Ski-weed.

2.
Q. What does pride go before?
A. …..of lions.

#1 Worst joke of all time
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Aw, don’t cry.

[scatlond]

Whats the coldest country in the world?



Chile

[accuracy]

When Hell Froze


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/h23froe.jpg

[accuracy]

Mugged

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[comawhite015]

Q: What's smellier than an anchovy?

A: An anchovy's cunt.

[accuracy]

Fetish Fail


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-fetish-fail.jpg

[comawhite015]

^^^^^ I like that one :D

[accuracy]

Q: What's smellier than an anchovy?

A: An anchovy's cunt.

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

[mari]

The best complaint letter, ever?:D

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

[accuracy]

http://s1.b3ta.com/host/creative/16093/1232647162/blacknotblack.jpg

[debs67gb]

I guess I need to get a tan

[sabre1]

http://i41.tinypic.com/2e2fcs1.jpg

According to McDonald's, we do have Global Warming.

[scatlond]

To; the Council.

Dear Sir;

I am writing to you in reply to your letter regarding my rent arrears. Get it up you, yes thats right, get it right effing up you.

Your house isnt worth a eff anyway.

A Tenant.

[white horse]

The best complaint letter, ever?:D

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

Good post!! lol! :D

[accuracy]

Northern Territory's hottest new pop group!


http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/2966/abosongly5.jpg

All the greatest hits...including:


Money, Money, Money (It's a White Man's world)
Drinking Queen
Walkerloo
The White Man Takes It All
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (An Apology)
"S.O.S." (Social Outback Services)
The Name Of The Game Is Blame
And Many More...

[accuracy]

Train you're dog.

[I][Train your dog, to not do this.
/I]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/train_your_dog.jpg

[accuracy]

McSwim



http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/107Mc19287.jpg

[boots]

Northern Territory's hottest new pop group!


http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/2966/abosongly5.jpg

All the greatest hits...including:


Money, Money, Money (It's a White Man's world)
Drinking Queen
Walkerloo
The White Man Takes It All
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (An Apology)
"S.O.S." (Social Outback Services)
The Name Of The Game Is Blame
And Many More...


Fuck'n pisser Mate.:D

[accuracy]

boots..............Fuck'n pisser Mate.

:D Had a lot of response from my email friends! :D

[accuracy]

The Don't Walk Finger

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/124dontwalk1345324652365.jpg

[debs67gb]

How a marriage works!


A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies?

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him?by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

.........and, they lived happily ever after.



Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

[clozaril]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7864733.stm



The clip showed a woman unzipping a man's trousers, followed by a graphic act between the two.

"I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up," viewer Cora King told the Arizona Daily Star.

"Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out."




:)

[debs67gb]

lmao like that one

[accuracy]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7864733.stm








:)

That's so funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

[accuracy]

Ladies and mens rooms.

I bet this causes alot of fun situations.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/ladies_men_signs.jpg

[accuracy]

Free Throw


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/349poof03498508.jpg

[clozaril]

phew that was close :D


http://i39.tinypic.com/2mxkcpc.gif

[accuracy]

Mental Health

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't disguise your voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. Pick up a box of c*ndoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: "Taking the dog for a walk - Darwin style"


http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/1927/darwindogwalkmy3.jpg

[accuracy]

pay this one!!!!!!!!!


Subject: FW: Lotto win


Husband: What would you do if I won lotto ?



Wife: I'd take half of it and leave you !!




Husband: Excellent… I won 12 bucks, here is 6 bucks, now F*CK OFF !!

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-trophy-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-mykoc-meds-fail.jpg

[clozaril]

is that a pigeon in your trouses or are you happy to see me

Australia holds 'pigeon smuggler'

A man has been caught with two pigeons stuffed in his trousers after he got off a flight from Dubai to Melbourne

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7869301.stm


actually this is really cruel :(

[nofuture]

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a354/StuartB77/naziskitten.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/459gardening08507777.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1105000/1105293_7da2_625x1000.jpg

[boots]

pay this one!!!!!!!!!


subject: Fw: Lotto win


husband: What would you do if i won lotto ?



Wife: I'd take half of it and leave you !!




Husband: Excellent… i won 12 bucks, here is 6 bucks, now f*ck off !!



pmsl :d

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-translate-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Go to George Bush pics.

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/cheesecake.jpg

Student chefs pose next to a big cheesecake in Mexico city January 25, 2009. The cheesecake which weighs more than 2 tons and has diameter of 2.5 meters, set a new Guinness World Record. Yum.
Photo/Jorge Dan Lopez

[clozaril]

when i was in mexico and was offered queseadilla i was thinking hmmm yummy cheesecake and all it was a taco with cheese in :(

:D

[clozaril]

god bless america

http://img2.abload.de/img/1209937464977up8.gif

[merlincove]

"We love Cake. Cake! We loves a slice of... Cake. Everyone loves a bit of Cake, Cake...."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/160Pool09753246.jpg

[accuracy]

New ATM Procedures

A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installing
new Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle.
Male and Female procedures have been
tailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away


PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and
then press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder
and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake

[accuracy]

Eat And Drink


A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.

[accuracy]

Books that will never be published.



http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1149500/1149857_100a_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

The World's Shortest Books


- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by
O.J. Simpson
- The Difference between Reality and
Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by
Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific
Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts
Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of
Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby
Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by
Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating
Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl
Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-clean-city-fail.jpg

[clozaril]

http://i40.tinypic.com/5yxcu0.jpg

[cafetimes1991]

http://i40.tinypic.com/5yxcu0.jpg

:D

[debs67gb]

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

:D

[accuracy]

Mongolian VD


While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom
all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his
penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news
for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something
and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to
amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery
is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more
about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah,
yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we
do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Amelican docta, always
want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'

[accuracy]

Never . . .

Ever . . .

Ever . . .

Put a FIRECRACKER

in your ass and light it.

I REPEAT . . .

Never ... Ever ... Ever

Put a FIRE CRACKER

in your ass and light it ! ! !



http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/8861/firecrackerfx6.jpg

[accuracy]

New 2009 Tax Code


http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/3977/penistaxil6.gif


The only thing that the ATO has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around

unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is

pissed off, and 1% of the time it is in the hole.

On top of that, it has

two dependents, and they are both nuts!



HOWEVER,

effective June 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed

according to size:



The brackets are as follows:



10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00

8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00

5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00

3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00



Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.



Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.



PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

[mushroombot]

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/93143

[debs67gb]

Paddys sitting at home looking intently at his marriage certificate. Wife asks "what are you looking for?"
Paddy replies "the fookin expiry date"
:D

[clozaril]

yummy :p

http://www.supersizedmeals.com/food/article.php/20080212-The_Meat_Ship

[debs67gb]

eeep that just put me off me breakfast lol

[clozaril]

eeep that just put me off me breakfast lol


ha ha disgusting init :D

could do with a bit of tomatoe sauce or beans with it :)

[accuracy]

Books that will never be published.

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1166500/1166572_1440_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1167000/1167439_d8ec_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1166000/1166464_943d_625x1000.jpg

[debs67gb]

lol those books would be amazing hehehe :D

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1167000/1167204_2a21_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1167500/1167545_ab75_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1167000/1167022_ef18_625x1000.jpg

[debs67gb]

lmfao @ the sock book :)

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1167500/1167523_c9d2_625x1000.jpg

[debs67gb]

"Bonus tips to enhance yer laziness" wow I know just the bloke for that book lol

[bedog]

So, let me share some oneliners:

If I had one photon light for every idiot I passed on the street this world would be a brighter place.

To make a long story short, don't tell it

Schrödinger might have been cruel to kittens.

Rimmer, you're a smeg-head!

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

This sentence cannot be proved.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!

Eternity is a lot like this ... only longer.

I can bend minds with my spoon.

You never get a second chance to make a bad first impression.

"I see," said the blind man as he picked up a hammer and saw.

Why do we call martinis dry? If you pour it on your pants they get wet.

The drive-thru ATM at my bank has Braille on the keypad...hmm.

Hey, I'm not fat... I'm festively plump!

If a fly lost its wings, would it be a walk?

The geeks will inherit the earth, but with read access only

A Man walks into a bar with a pair of Jumper-cables around his neck. The battender says, "I'll serve you, buddy, but just don't start anything!

Very funny Scottie, now been down my clothes

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Quantum Mechanics is God's way of saying: Trust me...

Everyone has a photographic memory, just most people don't have film.

Do NOt eat yellow snow

I didn't sell my soul, i just lease it out on a monthly basis

What if there's no such thing as a hypothetical question?

If I could eat two sugars at once, would that make me ambidextrose?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does Teflon stick to the pan?

Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...

Don't take life so seriously, it's not permanent.

[debs67gb]

You never get a second chance to make a bad first impression.

ohhh i love that one

[accuracy]

My key board batteries went flat last night.

:rolleyes:

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1166000/1166170_c0fa_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1166500/1166570_102b_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1166500/1166713_ca46_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1165500/1165656_d4d6_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1166500/1166953_36be_625x1000.jpg

[clozaril]

http://bigrab.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/value.jpg

:D

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/198menwomen29048.jpg

[accuracy]

Q. Why do the French eat snails?
A. Because they don't like fast food.

Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Q. What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A. Gratitude

Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: Why do the French like smelly cheeses?
A: Well, in a room full of French people, you can't really smell the cheese.


Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1039000/1039361_ea6e_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1178000/1178026_0812_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1175500/1175627_d7c4_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1177500/1177959_24c6_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1174500/1174646_e8da_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1174000/1174498_5694_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-titanic-fail.jpg

[clozaril]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-titanic-fail.jpg



:D

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-water-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

:D

A funny pic alright.

:)

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-kid-book-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Am on holidays for 2 1/2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!:D:D

Accuracy :);):p:eek:

[clozaril]

http://pixdaus.com/pics/RaKVHXmJp9txa2XeQW.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-pet-duck-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[comawhite015]

http://moshgirl.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/mosh-girl-original-hp.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/drunk_waterboobs_guy.jpg

[comawhite015]

http://www.moshgirl.com/images/mosh-girl-pics/moshzilla.gif

[comawhite015]

http://i203.photobucket.com/albums/aa150/pianist1981/Funny/moshzilla18.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/great_plowing_job.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.moshgirl.com/images/mosh-girl-pics/moshzilla.gif

Sure is a scary one,comawhite015


:D:);)

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/best_santa_decoration.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-deli-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1172500/1172743_0293_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

Wrong Hole


An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

[accuracy]

Because of the tight economy, mail order bride companies have been
cutting corners, shipping brides without adequate packing, and
even worse, sending them without the instruction manuals.



http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/mail-order-brides-336.jpg

[accuracy]

Each day was indeed a painful lesson, but you would think after hitting the open manhole
cover four days in a row that Forgetful Fred would soon begin to catch on.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/nose-dive-309.jpg

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/political-pictures-richard-branson-helmet-ego.jpg

[debs67gb]

ewwwwwww NO!!!

[comawhite015]

*snigger*

What's green and melts in your mouth?

A leper's cock.

[debs67gb]

lol fuck thats sick lol

[debs67gb]

oh man :( lol

[debs67gb]

The BNP have announced plans to take over UK call centres

"Good morning you're through to the United Kingdom press 1 if you speak english or press 2 to be disconnected until you fuckin well can"

[nofuture]

What goes clip clop clip clop, bang bang, clip clop?















An Amish drive by shooting.

[accuracy]

Funny stuff there, comawhite015 !

:D

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/101_airborn_division.jpg

[accuracy]

Feng Shui


This is without a doubt one of the nicest messages you will read. Hope it works for you -- and me!



http://www.jokesy.com/images/feng-shui1.jpg


There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious.



ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.



TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.



THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.



FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.



FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.



SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.



SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.



EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.



NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.



TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.



ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.



TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.



THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'



FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.



FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.



SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.



SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.



EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.



NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.



TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice



TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

[accuracy]

Bronze Lawyer


A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.



http://www.jokesy.com/images/bronze-rat-lawyer.jpg


"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars for the story."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-ball-kick-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/4470/1076327f760625x1000da1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1039500/1039671_e56f_625x1000.jpg
wanna light? - Hey, don't get me wrong- those bullets might just puncture the skin!


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1170500/1170943_3a0e_625x1000.jpg

007's newst.. phone? or chainsaw... or condom holder , or xray vision :? or a secret case for a really small pistol.

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1172000/1172328_5dad_625x1000.jpg

Diamonds are forever... but cameras capture moments...


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1173500/1173619_80d2_625x1000.jpg
007, hold your breath, we herewith introduce the ultimate stealth mask equipped with integrated nightview camera and self-targeting laser canon. Make the best of it!


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1171500/1171897_a566_625x1000.jpg
You never know when Bond might need to drive at 500 mph......

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1172500/1172640_1f79_625x1000.jpg
Allow me to introduce Quimbtronics latest development, the "DeathShades". While the name may be a tad grandiose, the product is unsurpassed in the death-dealing spy-shade niche. Armed with twin mini-Gatling guns, six Sidewinder styled mini-missiles, a Heads Up Display, full band audio encryption capability, and 100% UV protection; the Quimbtronic's DeathShades are prepared to help you and your spy brethren "focus in on victory" any time-any place. Order yours today!


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1173500/1173563_7203_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1172000/1172202_6c97_625x1000.jpg
My reasoning is simple: Spies carry guns. This is a normal thing for a spy to do. So if you disguised a camera as a silencer, then they will be easily able to carry it around, withought rousing the suspicion that he will be taking pictures.


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1170500/1170889_9c35_625x1000.jpg
Stun Gun Shaver - just a quicky...


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1172500/1172663_af37_625x1000.jpg
who wanna buy 1 ????

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1170000/1170123_4c17_625x1000.jpg
Bond s new all in one toy.


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1174000/1174020_0867_625x1000.jpg
SONY SOON GONNA LAUNCH THIS SPY BELT LOLZ SOURCE
secifications:-
4.1 giga pixel, infrared mode, wifi enabled n built in 8 gb hdd lolz


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/1171000/1171164_a171_625x1000.jpg
this would be the greatest and most humiliating invention ever.
Peed Pants Ipod

[accuracy]

:D

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/michael-jackson-auction.jpg

This photo released by Julien's Auctions shows An original painting on stretched canvas featuring popular culture and historic figures all wearing Jackson's icnoic sunglasses and glove. The item is among many owned by Michael Jackson and being auctioned on the Auction Network on April 22- 25. A public exhibition of the items will be held at The Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills from April 14- 21. Auction Estimate: $400 - $600.
Photo/Julien's Auctions, Shaan Kokin

[accuracy]

My modem died last Sunday and now have a lightening fast NEW one! :D

[accuracy]

Jokes About Drummers

http://www.jokesy.com/images/drummer-jokes.jpg

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart coulda done it.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken.

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.

[accuracy]

Greener Grass...

It's important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.

But one must also be careful


http://www.jokesy.com/images/cow-with-head-stuck-under-fence.JPG

Sometimes you can reach too far!

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......





http://www.jokesy.com/images/the-grass-is-always-greener-cows.JPG


Not everyone who shows up......


Is there to help you!!!!

[accuracy]

I can see limelady's car there.:D


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/weom23l.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/381alchoholic9304806.jpg

[accuracy]

:rolleyes:


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/479oxygen309586906.jpg

[accuracy]

Paying For It


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[accuracy]

Start Running


A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/sandhu.jpg

Offering smoke : A Sandhu - a holy man - smokes marijuana from a clay pipe as a holy offering to lord Shiva, Hindu god of creation and destruction at the Pashupatinath temple area in Kathmandu on the eve of the Hindu festival Maha Shivaratri.
Photo/Prakash Mathema

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-et-light-fail.jpg

[mushroombot]

Greener Grass...

It's important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.

But one must also be careful


http://www.jokesy.com/images/cow-with-head-stuck-under-fence.JPG

Sometimes you can reach too far!

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......





http://www.jokesy.com/images/the-grass-is-always-greener-cows.JPG


Not everyone who shows up......


Is there to help you!!!!


ROFLMAO. Thats quality!

[accuracy]

ROFLMAO. Thats quality!


Yea, from a funny site!
Thanks!:D:D:D

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/tested_on_animals.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/585cat45689076.jpg

[accuracy]

[How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.
_________________________
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
_________________________
Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”
_________________________
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
_________________________
How many programmers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None - It’s a hardware problem
_________________________
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
_________________________
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.
_________________________
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher short changed him by 24 grams.
_________________________
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

http://www.jokesy.com/images/programmer-jokes-will-code-html-for-food.jpg/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkGreen"] Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
_________________________
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
_________________________
All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
_________________________
Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
_________________________
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
_________________________
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
_________________________
Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
_________________________
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea.

[hells hero]

Prince charles said he admired his granny mischievous sense of humour. Does this mean setting him up with Di!

[theqleaner]

Zen of Life

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[theqleaner]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and You. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and She is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, and tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that Marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for Cocaine and Ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you... Call me when it's safe to come home.

[theqleaner]

"It has always been done like that..."

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way they've always done it, and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins....

[theqleaner]

Pet Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing !


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I, nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape... In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....

... for now...

[theqleaner]

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.

[theqleaner]

The Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a Primary School Class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a 'tragedy'?"

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "That would be an 'accident'..."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Sharpton. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'..."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

[theqleaner]

In A Mental Hospital...

A Sadist, a Masochist, a Murderer, a Necrophile, a Zoophile and a Pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a Mental Institution, bored out of their minds...

"How about having Sex with a Cat?" asked the Zoophile.

"Let's have Sex with the Cat, and then Torture it," says the Sadist.

"Let's have Sex with the Cat, Torture it and then Kill it," shouted the Murderer.

"Let's have Sex with the Cat, Torture it, Kill it and then have Sex with it again," said the Necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the Cat, Torture it, Kill it, have Sex with it again and then burn it," said the Pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the Masochist says: "Meow."

[theqleaner]

A Stoners Prayer

By gaywolf

Our dealer, who art so ghetto, http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/bag.gif

Stoner be thy Name. http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/jesus.gif

Thy money comes.

Our high not done,

on earth ‘till our bag is empty.

Give us this day our daily blunt. http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/rolljnt.gif

And forgive us our bogarting, http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/iamwithstupid.gif

As we smite those who bogart our stash. http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/rockets.gif

And lead us not into rehabilitation,

But deliver us from shake.

For thine is the green bud,

and the sticky,

and the hydro,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

[theqleaner]

TODAY'S MARINE CORPS

LETTER FROM AN IOWA FARM KID

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in th is except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[theqleaner]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[theqleaner]

European English!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility..

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[theqleaner]

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows..
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[theqleaner]

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/attachment.gif The Way you Sleep AFTER...

After Two Beers...
http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/attachment1.jpg


After Three Glasses of Wine...
http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/attachment2.jpg


After Four Kamikazes...
http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/attachment3.jpg


After a Few Margaritas...
http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/attachment4.jpg


After 2 Bottles of Jack Daniels
http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/attachment5.jpg


And, after an evening of Two Beers, Three Wines, Four Kamikazes, Margaritas, and that Bottle of Jack shared with those Friends in Mexico...
http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/attachment6.jpg

[theqleaner]

Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[theqleaner]

The Penis

I, The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Penis



Dear Penis:

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, The Administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the Management Team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned tasks.
And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[theqleaner]

Medical Terms

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.

Artery.......................... The study of paintings.

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section.......... A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.

Colic............................. A sheep dog.

Coma........................... A punctuation mark.

D&C............................. Where Washington is.

Dilate........................... To live long.

Enema.......................... Not a friend.

Fester........................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............................ A small lie.

Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series..................... World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail........................ What you hang your coat on.

Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.

Morbid........................... A higher offer.

Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates.

Node............................. I knew it.

Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..................... A fatherhood test.

Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative............... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............. Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.......................... Damn near killed him.

Secretion....................... Hiding something.

Seizure.......................... Roman emperor.

Tablet............................ A small table.

Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor............................ One plus one more.

Urine.............................. Opposite of you're out.

[theqleaner]

An Atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic Trees!"
"What powerful Rivers!"
"What beautiful Animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly Bear charge towards him.

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/bear1.jpg

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the Bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/bear2.jpg

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The Bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well..." said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the Bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/bear3.jpg

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[theqleaner]

SOUNDS LIKE THE GOVERNMENT

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit"

[theqleaner]

New Stock Market Terms

BEAR MARKET — A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

[accuracy]

As a full time worker, i just do not have the time to focus on other forum's,
as it's very time consuming and here i am telling my friends and family i contriibute daily in the have a laugh section at a conspiracy forum.

It's great to have a shower next morning before work and have a fucking laugh thinking of the posts.

Accuracy:)

[accuracy]

And from other postees too.......................................:D:D

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-dump-truck-fail1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-bike-lock-owner-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/206deathwish2984729.jpg

[accuracy]

Only in Germany!

I don't care what kind of beer it is,
it ain't gonna taste the same served this way!!



http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/9296/beeranyone.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: New Bra



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVu62n0ooq8

[accuracy]

Just like the previous post, it was also in the youtube listing.

SCOTTISH SEWERAGE WORKERS


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nxuJDI5biU

[accuracy]

http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/7202/canetoad.jpg

[hells hero]

[QUOTE=theqleaner;833749]The Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a Primary School Class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"It depends on what race the boy was." replies Rev Jesse Jackson.

[accuracy]

http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/7202/canetoad.jpg

The government won't do too much to stop this menace at it's tracks from invading our border.

The Zionist's pigs welcome's their destruction of fauna as they started their onslaught from Qld.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/996baddog996.jpg

[accuracy]

IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her
finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not give a blow job while traveling in a funeral procession.

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/end_of_rainbow1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesy.com/images/anger-management-jokes.jpg


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying
"Hello." I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?.
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
"Get the right f*kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said," Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn
and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at
129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"
"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Steve, you're a C*nt!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

"Hello?"
"You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah?"
Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
" I'll kick the sh*t out of you" He said.

I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.
Take it from me, anger management really works!

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-ride-along-fail.jpg

[socrates]

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

[socrates]

News Reader

http://mp3gags.com/mp3s/malcolm_lord/malcolmlord.mp3

[socrates]

Talking Frog.

http://mp3gags.com/mp3s/don_reid/donreid.mp3

[theqleaner]

Two-Minute Management Course

Lesson One

An Eagle was sitting high up on a Tree, resting, doing nothing. A small Rabbit saw the Eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my Ass like you and do Nothing?" The Eagle answered, "Sure... Why not?" So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the Eagle, and rested on his Ass. Suddenly, a Fox appeared, jumped on the Rabbit and ATE him.

Management Lesson: To be sitting on your Ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two

A Turkey was chatting with a Bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that Tree," sighed the Turkey, "but I haven't got the Energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my Manure Droppings? They're packed with Nutrients," replied the Bull. "The Turkey pecked at a lump of Manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the Tree. The next day, after eating some more Dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the Tree. The Turkey was then spotted by a Farmer who shot him out of the Tree.

Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the Top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little Bird was flying South for the Winter. It was so cold the Bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a Cow came by and dropped some Dung on it. As the frozen Bird lay there in the pile of Cow Dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The Dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing Cat heard the Bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the Cat discovered the Bird under the pile of Cow Dung, promptly dug him out and ATE him.

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who Shits on you is your Enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of Shit is your Friend.
3) And when you're in Deep Shit, it's best to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

This ends your Two-Minute Management Course.

[wellwoman]

I literally LOL at the stress relief one! :D:D:D

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-privacy-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-milk-truck-fail.jpg

[theqleaner]

(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WETHEPEOPLE_UNITED/message/165204)

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is writing a book! Please
help him select a title for his book:

http://www.topix.net/forum/source/chicago-tribune/TRAIHA5SEMN4OOMQD

Why I Suck So Much: The Rod Blagojevich Story

Bulletproof Hair; Swiss Cheese Morals

From Here to Immunity

A Political calling to Total Political falling: My story.

How to ruin a state in 6 years or less

Only Me and My Hairdresser Know For Sure!

The Joliet Breeze: Through The Bars

What not to say: Wiretaps for dummies

I'm Writing This From My Jail Cell

I-Pass: Open Road Tolling for Fun and Profit

(1) Buy This G-- Damn, F@@@@ing Book You **** h@les!!! Co-written with
wife Patty; (2) Hair, a Gubernatorial Opera; or (3) How Not to Win
Friends and Influence People When You're Being Tape Recorded.

Goon with the Windy City

Golden (by) Rod

The Highly Ineffective Habits of a Sick Personality

Daley, Mell, Chicago and Blago: The former Governor tells all

Stumblebum: How I let my parents and my children down ... along with
all of Illinois

The Golden Fleece: Rags to Riches ...to Ruin: Ten golden steps

Fessing up: Rod Blago tells all, finally

The Blago story: Vanity and immorality in an age of excess

The Downfall of the Hair Apparent

I'm Dumb, But You're Dumber

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blogojevich

Bleep It: My life as a Chicago DEMONcRAT

Don't Bend Down to Pick-up the Soap: George Ryan and Me

How I Duped the Idiots That Voted Me in For A Second Term

Don't Touch My Hair, It's Bleepin' Golden!

The Road to Hell: When Politics and Good Intentions Collide

Sox, Lies and Videotape

It's F$$$in Golden

Senate seats for sale or rent,
Fema trailers for .50 cents,
No phone, no pool, no pets,
I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah but, two hours of pushin' broom buys a
Eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means,
king of the state.
I am *@#$*&$# innocent!!

This is Bleeping Golden and how I tried to Sell It

A F#@$ing Valuable Thing: Working for the Great People of the State
of Illinois

Elected OFFICE: How to get friends and influence CONTRACTS.

Pay to Play: The Rod B Story

The inconvenient truth of a Psycho, Thief, and Con Man

Blag Like Me

Say It Ain't So, by Blago

Clout, Pout, and Out

The governor with the golden opportunity

Confessions of clout junkie

Run for your life

Testicular Stupidity: The Rod B Story

Blago's Bad Hair Day

A Democratic George W

How Jogging can Put Love in your Heart, Even on a Prison Treadmill:
By Rod Blagojevich

The Audacity of Dope

My personal growth into Chicago Style Politics: with a forward from
Dr. Bosley, the hair guru

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/364sumo23048209589035.jpg