Against my better judgement..

[rosix]

I made this thread.
I think this is the forum best suited for this although I'm not sure. For what feels like as long as I can 'remember', I've been 'plagued' by depression. I know it's there and have spent over a year concentrating all my efforts on 'dealing' with it in one form or another. Recently I've concluded that I seem to be living my life as to not upset my loved-ones with my suicide/something equally horrific.. and this just seems to perpetuate an even darker future. I really don't know where to start or where to focus elaborations - but what I do know is that I am grateful for loving parents and a loving girlfriend. I have tried to do as much 'research' and then as much 'soul-searching' as possible about the true nature of depresison, the overall nature of people and our world, visualisation, etc. A certain event in the past 2 years collosally leap-frogged me to a state where I no longer feel like I fear death. I cannot formulate any constant true 'desires' in my life other than to NOT upset the people who care about me by committing suicide or something else.

I would deeply appreciate any sincere thoughts from anyone - no matter what they are. If people want to ask questions etc. for whatever reason, I will answer them to a certain extent (I do not wish to compromise my anonymity on this forum, silly perhaps? I do not think so.)

[coldinsomnia]

It sounds like you acknowlege that your dark perception of the world has you in a trap as you continue to create a future that you fear.

If you have a few hours to spare, watch these videos by Bruce Liptopn.

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=8B2D33BA312EC312

Hope they help!

[rowan22]

I made this thread.
I think this is the forum best suited for this although I'm not sure. For what feels like as long as I can 'remember', I've been 'plagued' by depression. I know it's there and have spent over a year concentrating all my efforts on 'dealing' with it in one form or another. Recently I've concluded that I seem to be living my life as to not upset my loved-ones with my suicide/something equally horrific.. and this just seems to perpetuate an even darker future. I really don't know where to start or where to focus elaborations - but what I do know is that I am grateful for loving parents and a loving girlfriend. I have tried to do as much 'research' and then as much 'soul-searching' as possible about the true nature of depresison, the overall nature of people and our world, visualisation, etc. A certain event in the past 2 years collosally leap-frogged me to a state where I no longer feel like I fear death. I cannot formulate any constant true 'desires' in my life other than to NOT upset the people who care about me by committing suicide or something else.

I would deeply appreciate any sincere thoughts from anyone - no matter what they are. If people want to ask questions etc. for whatever reason, I will answer them to a certain extent (I do not wish to compromise my anonymity on this forum, silly perhaps? I do not think so.)



Hi I'm sorry you feel so low, my experiences might help I genuinely hope they do.


I have felt the way you describe. I had a bad time as a child and what I have learned from that is this ultimately I had been abused into separating from my pain. And the person I thought I was, was a reflection of my abuse and not of the pain I suffered.

I had been forced into denying at a gut level what my body was telling me about what I had been through. I searched for theory’s and Philosophy’s and explanations instead of being able to accept that the answer lay within me.

The journey towards accepting my own pain has been a long one, but a rewarding one. Because for every stab of pain there has been a deepening of my sense of being able to feel alive and redeemable.

I feel worth something now. I exist I'm in pain and I laugh and cry and enjoy and am sad. But I matter and the way people treat me matters, and I feel I now know how to value the feelings which are real and which attract love and friendship and intimacy.

I hope some of what I say feels even tentatively true, but just remember and I know this to be true with absolute certainty pain isn't pointless it is the silent voice of a memory which has lost it's way take care.

[newworldengineer]

I'm not surprised your depressed, living in a world we live in... but here's a solution... expression is the opposite of depression, but you have to push yourself to do it, channel your deep thoughts on your condition into some art or poetry, trust me, it helped me when I've been suicidal. I vowed to myself I wouldn't hit that level of consciousness anymore that's self-destructive.

You have to respect your own life-force, then you will feel good/God (the source of all creation/our natural state). Or maybe it's some deep form of guilt from the shadow part of yourself that you need to face and process authentically, you can't pander to people who care for you but don't get you. They might be caring for you in how they think they should care for someone, but it might not be doing you any good and may be making you a little subservient, subjugating yourself for their version of reality (obviously you have to compromise to a certain extent).

you can only live your own life, you can't get behind anyone elses eyes, and other people have to respect your sovereignty to, in order for it to work. Make sure these relationships you have are actually nourishing and not one-sided and are unconditionally accepting of you. Otherwise get away and love them from a distance.

I reccomend watching "you can heal your life" a film/semi-biography by Louise Hay (an amazing human being imo) of Hay house publications (also full of other great people that put the notion of "change your thoughts, change your life" into practice, reminding us of the wisdom that's always been their for us)

[rosix]

thank you very much
all very good comments I deeply appreciate - will be re-reading them several times and thinking about them

[frton]

Try to take better care of yourself. Imho, you are living with much less energy for your design. People with bigger potential suffer more if it's not activated.

Remember that everything in this world is not what appears to be? This is true really. Your energy probably is being drained so arise and be conscious about who you are, what you need and want to fulfill. Cut trough the subtle veils of deception. The higher self will back you up.

In such cases could help spending some time only by yourself. A lot if necessary. Do only what you adore to do forget everyone and everything. In calmness and satisfaction we can sense the rhythm of our souls. It guides on a way with no depressions or any suffering ;)

[lyghtkynge]

Yes, all these thoughts seem to offer excellent advice, and are truly knowledgeable thoughts.

What they all fail to indicate, is Depression is an Addiction...and addictive self-plesure that leads to a possible horrific end-result (denouement).

I had a friend, father of three young children (two boys & a girl), who lost his job due to injury, developed manic-depression/schizophrenia, his wife left and intended divorce, he committed suicide (17 yrs. ago). Still miss him. He enacted this self-pleasure of depression to it's end result (1:6 severely depressed individuals commit suicide).

Well, as one poster said, depression is opposite expression. Life is The Great Opportunity...not for pleasure or 'to do things,' but to Achieve Self-Liberation. It is only possible via the Ultimate State, Physical Manifestation.

Now, in this world on Earth, where life is cheap, that seems hard to believe as important: but mankind mostly goes through life ignoring It's own value (Life). It is not for having fun in the sandbox of life, but to Do The Work of Life, the Purpose for which the Gift of Life was Given.

I am 58 and have been around abnormal psychology most of my life, and am a caregiver. Do seek to Enjoy Life, even in it's suffering and hardship. Realize the I Am, Ageless Presence of Being, is Ever With You (non-dogmatic, thanks).

Best to You.

[nectars]

Check your PM's.

[delamo1999]

I made this thread.
I think this is the forum best suited for this although I'm not sure. For what feels like as long as I can 'remember', I've been 'plagued' by depression. I know it's there and have spent over a year concentrating all my efforts on 'dealing' with it in one form or another. Recently I've concluded that I seem to be living my life as to not upset my loved-ones with my suicide/something equally horrific.. and this just seems to perpetuate an even darker future. I really don't know where to start or where to focus elaborations - but what I do know is that I am grateful for loving parents and a loving girlfriend. I have tried to do as much 'research' and then as much 'soul-searching' as possible about the true nature of depresison, the overall nature of people and our world, visualisation, etc. A certain event in the past 2 years collosally leap-frogged me to a state where I no longer feel like I fear death. I cannot formulate any constant true 'desires' in my life other than to NOT upset the people who care about me by committing suicide or something else.

I would deeply appreciate any sincere thoughts from anyone - no matter what they are. If people want to ask questions etc. for whatever reason, I will answer them to a certain extent (I do not wish to compromise my anonymity on this forum, silly perhaps? I do not think so.)


Do you do any types of meditation? I am recommending that you get a crystal called Lepidolite and hold it in your hands as you meditate. Lepidolite is really good in assisting with transition. Also it has natural lithium in it. I recently purchased some off of Ebay. I used one piece and really felt the energy from it. Also I felt a sense of peace as well.

I hope this helps.

:)

[justnotsure]

I have suffered from depression as well and it is only when you get truly sick of being like that that you change. I got on a self confidence course which just started the whole ball rolling.......for me reading books has been the way and finding out the truth if all truths.... your thoughts are just thoughts....they are generated by the brain and match your mood but they are not true. I used to wake up feeling terrible and think "I just can't get out of bed" "Today is going to be just terrible" and I found that if i listened to these thoughts and believed them then that is what happened to me and my day.Then I learned that perhaps these thoughts were not true and that if I did try to get up, I could and the day just improved from then on and I felt more powerful and confident about myself.

Authors you might find interesting and helpful are

Paul Gilbert
Shirley Trickett
Byron Katie

[rosix]

thanks a lot to everyone who has posted here. I am essentially taking it all on board and feel I'm trying my best.

[rowan22]

Hi Rosix hope your feeling o.k. With no disrespect to anyone I have to say that advice which offers you the "choice" to feel better isn't I.M.O very helpful or very sensitive.

Depression isn't a matter of choice. There are physical changes that occur within the body which need to be acknowledged and respected.

My partner is in her fourth year of a Psychotherapy degree in Humanistic Counselling so I am more than a little involved in the process myself, as well as having had over four years of Person centred counselling myself.

And I can tell you one thing for sure, while ever I have turned away from my pain the depression just got worse. But when I found the courage (in counselling) to talk about, and most importantly (feel) my feelings I began to get better.

I know people mean well when they say just decide to be positive, but sometimes all you need is someone who shows you some empathy and says I know how hard it is for you and my thoughts are with you and I hope you feel a bit better today.

As you say you are doing the best you can. You can't do any more than that.Try to be gentle with yourself. Get plenty of rest and try to have a nice meal.

I know it may sound simple but have you thought of getting some St Johns wort or a vitamin B complex from the health food store both are very good for helping mood.

Take care Rowan.

[rosix]

thanks
in my experience with expert psychiatrists they have always been spectacular at helping me feel better, albeit mostly short-lasting

[rowan22]

It's important to distinguish between Psychiatry which uses a model based on the idea of distress being a disease. And Humanistic Person Centred approaches that recognise distress as being a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

A good Person centred counsellor will help someone to become aware of the reasons and feelings that are troubling them. They will enable a person to understand themselves for themselves. The approach is all about personal empowerment which you take away with you and not the need to constantly return to therapy to "top up" the repression!

You actually get to the bottom of the causes rather than repressing the expressions and being caught in a catch twenty two of avoiding the underlying feelings only to be deluged again later.

Our culture (as you know) is all about control. But Person Centred counselling definitely isn't. The struggle it has faced to confront a medical model which calls anything that doesn't fit within it's bell curve "abnormal" is well documented.

If you need a recommendation of a good person to see let me know via a message and I am only too glad to pass on a number.

Take care Rowan.

P.S Google Carl Rogers and Temenos in Sheffield.

[deetox]

The following books helped me TREMENDOUSLY in overcoming my depression, without them I never would've been able to do it. They teach you how to gain inner peace by quieting the mind and a lot of other helpful things. You can get all of them in audiobook form over at demonoid and other torrent sites.

How to stop thinking - Barry Long

You can be happy no matter what - Richard Carlson

The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle

Secrets of Being Unstoppable - Guy Finley

Magical Concentration - Ed Strachar

You might also want to check out EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and the Sedona Method. I haven't studied them that deeply myself yet but I know they are extremely effective as well.