Good jokes

[llogun]

A man gets into bed with is wife after coming back from the pub and starts making love to her. He noticed that every time he went up and down her feet were doing the same thing. He said to his wife? hey up why is it that your feet keep going up and down every time i do. She said ive still got my tights on you dick head

[llogun]

A Snake went up to a elephant in the jungle and said do you fancy a game of snooker.
The Elephant said how we going to do that then we ant got a table or any balls.
The snake said, we make each over do a trick and if you can do the trick you get a red ball then you can go for a colour, if you fail, it’s the next persons go
The Elephant said ok you make me do the first trick for a red ball, the snake said ok

For a red ball elephant, stand up straight on 2 leg for 30 seconds and if you can do it you get a red ball.
The elephant said I can do that easy, So up on his 2 feet and he stayed there for 30 seconds so he got his red ball.
The snake said what colour are you going for, the elephant said, the brown ball.
The snake said, for a brown ball do the same again but on 1 leg for 30 seconds
The elephant said I can do that easy.
So up on 1 leg the elephant went he got to 20 seconds and came crashing down so he didn’t get is brown ball.
The elephant said right, I will get you for that one, The snake said come on then.
Snake, for a red ball I want you to stand up straight on the tip of your tail like a pencil for 30 seconds with out falling over.
The snake said, I can do that easy.
So up on is tail he went and he was like a pencil for 30 seconds and the snake got is red ball.
The elephant said right snake what colour ball you going for
The snake said, im going for the black
The elephant said, for a black ball then, I want you to come behind me and put your head up my backside then all your body, go through my intestins up into my stomach then come out my trunk for a black ball
The snake said I can do that easy
So behind the elephant the snake went and put his head with the rest of is body up the elephants backside, slid a long into the intestines then he went into the stomach and the snake was just about ready to come out the elephants trunk when the elephant put is trunk up is own backside and said to the snake you are snookerd. now

[endlessvista]

A Snake went up to a elephant in the jungle and said do you fancy a game of snooker.
The Elephant said how we going to do that then we ant got a table or any balls.
The snake said, we make each over do a trick and if you can do the trick you get a red ball then you can go for a colour, if you fail, it’s the next persons go
The Elephant said ok you make me do the first trick for a red ball, the snake said ok

For a red ball elephant, stand up straight on 2 leg for 30 seconds and if you can do it you get a red ball.
The elephant said I can do that easy, So up on his 2 feet and he stayed there for 30 seconds so he got his red ball.
The snake said what colour are you going for, the elephant said, the brown ball.
The snake said, for a brown ball do the same again but on 1 leg for 30 seconds
The elephant said I can do that easy.
So up on 1 leg the elephant went he got to 20 seconds and came crashing down so he didn’t get is brown ball.
The elephant said right, I will get you for that one, The snake said come on then.
Snake, for a red ball I want you to stand up straight on the tip of your tail like a pencil for 30 seconds with out falling over.
The snake said, I can do that easy.
So up on is tail he went and he was like a pencil for 30 seconds and the snake got is red ball.
The elephant said right snake what colour ball you going for
The snake said, im going for the black
The elephant said, for a black ball then, I want you to come behind me and put your head up my backside then all your body, go through my intestins up into my stomach then come out my trunk for a black ball
The snake said I can do that easy
So behind the elephant the snake went and put his head with the rest of is body up the elephants backside, slid a long into the intestines then he went into the stomach and the snake was just about ready to come out the elephants trunk when the elephant put is trunk up is own backside and said to the snake you are snookerd. now

Gosh I first heard this classic in a pub in Dublin back in the 80's and it still leaves me howling.

[llogun]

A young lad goes to the chemist to buy some durex. He goes into the shop and ask for a packet.
The lady said what sort do you want, He said what sort have you got.
The lady said normal ones for 5p each orange ones for 10p each and metal ones for 15p each. The lad said I will have the orange ones for 10p each and bought some. He went home that night and had sex with his girl friend.
3 mth down the line he finds out is girl friend is pregnant and nine month down the the line the baby is born and it is the colour orange
Well as the child is growing up and he can start to speak he ask the question to is dad, Dad why am I the colour orange. His dad said son if you where 5p more you would have been a robot.

[banphrionsalola]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[fekdemasons]

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra ...

[fekdemasons]

Two snowmen in a field at christmas time.

One says to the other, " Can you smell carrotts ? "

[enga]

It's not a joke but it made me laugh - a little poem my better half just came up with out the ether:

Watch out for vicars
they get in your knickers
But Catholics are heinous
they get in your anus!

Apologies to any Christians of an easily offended nature.

[adimon]

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!" The teacher bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you broke a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a dick on the blackboard?"

[adimon]

Krasimir knew he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died.He decided that he needed to be with his dream woman to really enjoy it.One evening he was at a bar where he spotted the most attractive woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a month or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 500 million levs." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

When it comes to planning, women are so much smarter than men.

[llogun]

2 Tramps walking down the road and they have not eaten anything for over a week
One tramp sees a dead rabbit in the road that’s been there for a week, It smell and is going off.
One tramp starts eating the dead rabbit, the other tramps says how on earth can you eat that it stinks?
The other tramp says im starving,
2 min later he throws up the dead rabbit
The other tramp starts eating what the other tramp throw up.
The other tramp said how on earth can you eat what I have just throw up
The other tramp said at least its warm now

[fekdemasons]

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts ?


Wi Jam in ....




How did Darth Vader know what OBE 1 had for christmas ?


He felt his presents



Why dont elephants eat penguins ?


Cant get the wrappers off.

[entrangermercenary]

A Snake went up to a elephant in the jungle and said do you fancy a game of snooker.
The Elephant said how we going to do that then we ant got a table or any balls.
The snake said, we make each over do a trick and if you can do the trick you get a red ball then you can go for a colour, if you fail, it’s the next persons go
The Elephant said ok you make me do the first trick for a red ball, the snake said ok

For a red ball elephant, stand up straight on 2 leg for 30 seconds and if you can do it you get a red ball.
The elephant said I can do that easy, So up on his 2 feet and he stayed there for 30 seconds so he got his red ball.
The snake said what colour are you going for, the elephant said, the brown ball.
The snake said, for a brown ball do the same again but on 1 leg for 30 seconds
The elephant said I can do that easy.
So up on 1 leg the elephant went he got to 20 seconds and came crashing down so he didn’t get is brown ball.
The elephant said right, I will get you for that one, The snake said come on then.
Snake, for a red ball I want you to stand up straight on the tip of your tail like a pencil for 30 seconds with out falling over.
The snake said, I can do that easy.
So up on is tail he went and he was like a pencil for 30 seconds and the snake got is red ball.
The elephant said right snake what colour ball you going for
The snake said, im going for the black
The elephant said, for a black ball then, I want you to come behind me and put your head up my backside then all your body, go through my intestins up into my stomach then come out my trunk for a black ball
The snake said I can do that easy
So behind the elephant the snake went and put his head with the rest of is body up the elephants backside, slid a long into the intestines then he went into the stomach and the snake was just about ready to come out the elephants trunk when the elephant put is trunk up is own backside and said to the snake you are snookerd. now


nice 1 pmsl :D

[burnttoast]

Gordon Brown.....

Could also fall under the guise of "Bad Joke" with the half empty/half full demo.

[llogun]

A man walks into a pub and he as got is head leaning to one side so is ear is touching is shoulder.
He goes up to the bar and ask for a pint of larger.
The barman pours the drink and gives it to the man
The man drinks the pint of larger in seconds.
The barman says £3 please
The man says i ant got no money
The barman says you what
The man says, I ant got no money
The barman says, look hear mate ,dont come that with me here in this bar if you were in that pub across the road they would break your neck
The man says, Ive just come from there.