fantana
06-07-2007, 06:56 PM
Fantanas Guide to Being the Star of any Concert
Singers, groups or pop bands, whoever it is it doesn’t matter because with this guide to going to a Concert you can be the person who is remembered for various reasons, quite probably even ruining it for everyone else. In this instance, it was an outdoor venue in the capital of England. Only the singer (Joe Cocker) and a few rows of seats were under the cover of a tent. I was pretty shocked when I saw Joe Cocker, he looks a lot older since his days in Pulp. This worked in my favour, because who is going to be looking at an old man when a HMHT such as myself is running around singing man songs. Follow these simple steps in order and guaranteed you will be well set for any venue, any city and for any “artist”.
Scope out the area
Get there early, this is the first and most important thing to remember. You don’t get their early because you’re thick and think you may get lost, you get there early because you want to be able to see the layout of the place. Go find your seats (if you have shit seats, remove the stickers on them and swap them with seats in a better position, this works a charm) Next, find out where all the exits are, this is incase of an emergency such as a mob of angry people throwing bottles at you. Once you know where you’re meant to be sitting and the quickest way out of there the next step is seeing what other amenities are available. There will be bogs, places selling food and drink, people selling all kinds of shit and HMHTs favourite, freebies. Now you are set up and know your way around, its time to start blending in.
http://www.fantana.net/concert/concertplace.jpg
My friend, Twist, scoping out the concert which is right behind him
Talk to the Workers (security, sales persons, band helpers)
There are many reasons why it is good to know a lot of people, mainly the best ones are for using them to get things you want or blaming them for things that go wrong. At a concert, people are generally shit bored and this is why they spend a lot of money on tickets to go and see someone kroon down a microphone and hop around for a couple of hours. This will work in your favour, especially if you happen to be the most entertaining man in history. Go and talk to EVERY SINGLE WORKER there. Start off with the security guards, get pally with them, flex the guns a little and slap them on their shoulders a lot so they know you are a real man. Next, go and start talking to people who are giving away free samples. At this particular concert, the only things that were free were wine samples (HMHTs do not drink) and a polish up from a bloke who must have been cleaning the toilets as he was there all the time. Since wine was the only thing free, I went over to every single shop or person selling things, and asked for a free sample. I had to shout a lot, demand to talk to the production manager and one time I even had to bang on the counter. As I already spoke to every single security guard, when they came over, they laughed and walked off. Because of this, I was able to get the following things free
A) A cup of soup (£3.50)
B) A Waffle (£3.00)
C) A wooden fork (These actually are always free)
D) Two ponchos (£5)
E) Got a bottle of wine for my friend for almost half price (£20)
As you can see I was able to save quite a lot of money and was already setting myself up to be the guy who made the concert great, remember folks, a HMHT IS the party. It’s science.
Talk to the Audience
By now a lot of people should have started to gather for the concert. Most of them would already have seen you talking to the security, getting things for free and generally having a great time. This interests people and if you have done everything properly most of the people will start to come over to you, and some of them will actually want to talk instead of just telling you to be quiet. Since you want to stand out more, its time to dress up. As it was raining and I had just gotten two free ponchos I felt it was time to grab the crowd by the balls, in a non gay way. After manning up into my yellow poncho (see picture below) I was standing out like a Galien erection in a Shirts off Showdown. You become like a magnet for attention, in a positive way. It’s at this point you want to make sure everyone knows who you are. Don’t tell them anything that’s true, because if you meet them again someday you don’t want them to know how truly pathetic you are. So, make shit up. If I remember correctly I had just flown back in from Las Vegas after getting married 3 times in one night. These idiots are going to believe everything you say so don’t hold back, the bigger the better, no pun intended.
After speaking to as many people as you can, strut over to your seat. Give these people the gift of missing you. When the concert begins and these folks see you, they will be thinking there’s that awesome HMHT guy who single handedly stopped a team of ninjas from killing a blind girls puppy, back in the summer of ’99 (always use the summer of ’99, this is because it happened a long time ago and you can use the wounded memories of days gone by as a ploy to make people feel like you have some sort of vulnerability beneath your ripped, muscular, oiled up body)
http://www.fantana.net/concert/poncho.jpg
Donning the Poncho
http://www.fantana.net/concert/weirdos.jpg
Two guys in some poncy uniforms, I thought they were Galiens but turns out they worked there and had to wear those stupid things.
What to do when the band comes on stage
Since there is always a warm up act and you have had time to get all of the attention and a lot of free things, you want to make it seem like you are ready to enjoy the musical show put on by the main event and that you are not actually there because you got the tickets for free. So, go to your seats a few minutes before the main event comes on, sit down, and start to relax. When people walk by to go to their seats, stand up and shake their hand and tell them to enjoy the show. Share a joke with any passing security persons, so that they remember who you are and anyone who watches will see who the real star of the concert is, and that’s me (or you, if you happen to be me reading this). When the main act comes on, wait ten minutes, clap a little and then look around to see if anybody else thinks it is shit. DO NOT be the first person to stand up and dance, this will always be some drunken middle aged git who will fall over so watch out for him because you can use his stupidity to laugh loudly and draw some more attention to yourself, in a positive non gay way.
After a couple more boring songs, get up and go to the toilet. Let everyone in your row know you are going for a slash. This is like telling them that you are going to mark your terroritoy, I learnt this from the animal kingdom, namely dogs. This further enforces your position as top dog and gains more respect for you. As you walk towards the toilets, say hi to a few people and whip at your mobile phone and pretend to be talking to someone so you look very busy and important. People will notice the yellow poncho, the mobile phone and of course your man walk. This all sets the stage for the next step, which is stealing the limelight.
http://www.fantana.net/concert/sittingdownbored.jpg
Early on in the Concert, getting ready to do my man thing
Get up and dance
People want pleasure and to avoid pain, but the need to avoid pain is stronger than they’re desire for pleasure. This is why hardly any fucker will do anything. They will gladly sit down and clap, maybe nod their head a little, when secretly what most of them want to do is GET UP AND DANCE! But they see there is no one else dancing, except a drunken guy who fell over. If only a HMHT would start to dance, they think to themselves. Now is the time to get up, take your friend to the side aisles with his 4th bottle of wine, and make him dance! Take a picture, and then, get the man groove on. Do not stand in just one place, because the centre of your energy will make the rest of the crowd stagnate. Instead, run from row to row, down all the aisles, clap, sing and jump around. Get the security guards dancing! Wave to random people, smile, and carry on. You will get a following of people and the place will start to really liven up. These are the exact same tactics Jesus used when he invaded France, except I have muscles and a poncho rather than a gown. Now you will have quite a few people dancing, drinking and demonstrating your higher value to the rest of the audience, all the workers you talked to and the man on stage. You have now just become the main attraction of about 5,000 people who you didn’t know without spending a single penny.
http://www.fantana.net/concert/drunkenfriend.jpg
Twist dancing as people were starting to come over to us
Singers, groups or pop bands, whoever it is it doesn’t matter because with this guide to going to a Concert you can be the person who is remembered for various reasons, quite probably even ruining it for everyone else. In this instance, it was an outdoor venue in the capital of England. Only the singer (Joe Cocker) and a few rows of seats were under the cover of a tent. I was pretty shocked when I saw Joe Cocker, he looks a lot older since his days in Pulp. This worked in my favour, because who is going to be looking at an old man when a HMHT such as myself is running around singing man songs. Follow these simple steps in order and guaranteed you will be well set for any venue, any city and for any “artist”.
Scope out the area
Get there early, this is the first and most important thing to remember. You don’t get their early because you’re thick and think you may get lost, you get there early because you want to be able to see the layout of the place. Go find your seats (if you have shit seats, remove the stickers on them and swap them with seats in a better position, this works a charm) Next, find out where all the exits are, this is incase of an emergency such as a mob of angry people throwing bottles at you. Once you know where you’re meant to be sitting and the quickest way out of there the next step is seeing what other amenities are available. There will be bogs, places selling food and drink, people selling all kinds of shit and HMHTs favourite, freebies. Now you are set up and know your way around, its time to start blending in.
http://www.fantana.net/concert/concertplace.jpg
My friend, Twist, scoping out the concert which is right behind him
Talk to the Workers (security, sales persons, band helpers)
There are many reasons why it is good to know a lot of people, mainly the best ones are for using them to get things you want or blaming them for things that go wrong. At a concert, people are generally shit bored and this is why they spend a lot of money on tickets to go and see someone kroon down a microphone and hop around for a couple of hours. This will work in your favour, especially if you happen to be the most entertaining man in history. Go and talk to EVERY SINGLE WORKER there. Start off with the security guards, get pally with them, flex the guns a little and slap them on their shoulders a lot so they know you are a real man. Next, go and start talking to people who are giving away free samples. At this particular concert, the only things that were free were wine samples (HMHTs do not drink) and a polish up from a bloke who must have been cleaning the toilets as he was there all the time. Since wine was the only thing free, I went over to every single shop or person selling things, and asked for a free sample. I had to shout a lot, demand to talk to the production manager and one time I even had to bang on the counter. As I already spoke to every single security guard, when they came over, they laughed and walked off. Because of this, I was able to get the following things free
A) A cup of soup (£3.50)
B) A Waffle (£3.00)
C) A wooden fork (These actually are always free)
D) Two ponchos (£5)
E) Got a bottle of wine for my friend for almost half price (£20)
As you can see I was able to save quite a lot of money and was already setting myself up to be the guy who made the concert great, remember folks, a HMHT IS the party. It’s science.
Talk to the Audience
By now a lot of people should have started to gather for the concert. Most of them would already have seen you talking to the security, getting things for free and generally having a great time. This interests people and if you have done everything properly most of the people will start to come over to you, and some of them will actually want to talk instead of just telling you to be quiet. Since you want to stand out more, its time to dress up. As it was raining and I had just gotten two free ponchos I felt it was time to grab the crowd by the balls, in a non gay way. After manning up into my yellow poncho (see picture below) I was standing out like a Galien erection in a Shirts off Showdown. You become like a magnet for attention, in a positive way. It’s at this point you want to make sure everyone knows who you are. Don’t tell them anything that’s true, because if you meet them again someday you don’t want them to know how truly pathetic you are. So, make shit up. If I remember correctly I had just flown back in from Las Vegas after getting married 3 times in one night. These idiots are going to believe everything you say so don’t hold back, the bigger the better, no pun intended.
After speaking to as many people as you can, strut over to your seat. Give these people the gift of missing you. When the concert begins and these folks see you, they will be thinking there’s that awesome HMHT guy who single handedly stopped a team of ninjas from killing a blind girls puppy, back in the summer of ’99 (always use the summer of ’99, this is because it happened a long time ago and you can use the wounded memories of days gone by as a ploy to make people feel like you have some sort of vulnerability beneath your ripped, muscular, oiled up body)
http://www.fantana.net/concert/poncho.jpg
Donning the Poncho
http://www.fantana.net/concert/weirdos.jpg
Two guys in some poncy uniforms, I thought they were Galiens but turns out they worked there and had to wear those stupid things.
What to do when the band comes on stage
Since there is always a warm up act and you have had time to get all of the attention and a lot of free things, you want to make it seem like you are ready to enjoy the musical show put on by the main event and that you are not actually there because you got the tickets for free. So, go to your seats a few minutes before the main event comes on, sit down, and start to relax. When people walk by to go to their seats, stand up and shake their hand and tell them to enjoy the show. Share a joke with any passing security persons, so that they remember who you are and anyone who watches will see who the real star of the concert is, and that’s me (or you, if you happen to be me reading this). When the main act comes on, wait ten minutes, clap a little and then look around to see if anybody else thinks it is shit. DO NOT be the first person to stand up and dance, this will always be some drunken middle aged git who will fall over so watch out for him because you can use his stupidity to laugh loudly and draw some more attention to yourself, in a positive non gay way.
After a couple more boring songs, get up and go to the toilet. Let everyone in your row know you are going for a slash. This is like telling them that you are going to mark your terroritoy, I learnt this from the animal kingdom, namely dogs. This further enforces your position as top dog and gains more respect for you. As you walk towards the toilets, say hi to a few people and whip at your mobile phone and pretend to be talking to someone so you look very busy and important. People will notice the yellow poncho, the mobile phone and of course your man walk. This all sets the stage for the next step, which is stealing the limelight.
http://www.fantana.net/concert/sittingdownbored.jpg
Early on in the Concert, getting ready to do my man thing
Get up and dance
People want pleasure and to avoid pain, but the need to avoid pain is stronger than they’re desire for pleasure. This is why hardly any fucker will do anything. They will gladly sit down and clap, maybe nod their head a little, when secretly what most of them want to do is GET UP AND DANCE! But they see there is no one else dancing, except a drunken guy who fell over. If only a HMHT would start to dance, they think to themselves. Now is the time to get up, take your friend to the side aisles with his 4th bottle of wine, and make him dance! Take a picture, and then, get the man groove on. Do not stand in just one place, because the centre of your energy will make the rest of the crowd stagnate. Instead, run from row to row, down all the aisles, clap, sing and jump around. Get the security guards dancing! Wave to random people, smile, and carry on. You will get a following of people and the place will start to really liven up. These are the exact same tactics Jesus used when he invaded France, except I have muscles and a poncho rather than a gown. Now you will have quite a few people dancing, drinking and demonstrating your higher value to the rest of the audience, all the workers you talked to and the man on stage. You have now just become the main attraction of about 5,000 people who you didn’t know without spending a single penny.
http://www.fantana.net/concert/drunkenfriend.jpg
Twist dancing as people were starting to come over to us