I have just ruined Xmas, need some advice

[unusual_suspect]

Hi, I don't know what to do, I have just made a real balls up and if anyone has any advice on how to cool things down, I would really appreciate it.

My brother has been staying with me since June, it was only meant to be for 3 months, but he is still here. He has been rather irresponsible with money and work and he owes me nearly a grand.

Now, I am a single parent and I am not earning a great deal of money, the deal was that he chipped in with rent etc, he has also borrowed money off me under the guise of being skint, but has then spent it on weed!

The thing that angered me the most was he borrowed £200 off my mum and dad cause he started a new job, spent it getting battered with his silly tart of a girlfriend, then borrowed £100 off me, I obviously didn't know that he had already borrowed some money and spent it. He said he would pay me back and that was 2 months ago, he is 29 FFS!

I don't care if people want to take drugs, but if they are borrowing the money off me and can't pay it back, they clearly have a problem.

Then there is his girlfriend, who I just don't like, and she comes round every f**kin day and smokes weed with my bruv cause she lives with her mum and she can't do it there.

I feel like a complete mug, I have been stewing about this for ages, and I went to my nlp and hypnotherapy last night and told my therapist how unhappy the situation has made me.

He has advised taking legal action to recover my money, as a matter of principal and to show that I am not a door mat.

Anyway, I confronted my bruv last night (did not mention legal action) but basically said to him what I have just said here. Sure, the timing could have been better, but why should I put up with this, he does baby sit, but it doesnt mean he can sponge off me and that I should put up with having someone I don't like round my house every day.

Plus his girlfriend is a coke head and I think they both take it quite a bit - they have never offered me a line!

Obviously, I have come out of this looking like a cunt, I am not right in the head apparently, and my brother says he is moving out (I'm quite gflad about that), how can I smooth things over? I feel like crying and that I have ruined Xmas, but I was just trying to stick up for myself, am I a wanker? :(

[januspolanski]

Your brother is in the wrong not you so dont sweat it. You should have been more strict from the start certainly not allowing his debt to reach a grand+.

[jojo]

you did the right thing! dont worry! he would have sponged off you for ever if you didnt say anything!

he was taking the piss out of his own sister and no mistake. let him behave like a petulent child. YOU have not ruined christmas, his selfishness caused you to speak out. Dont worry, im sure it will blow over in the new yr.

[chris]

Your blowing this out of proportion...'Ruining Christimas' is just a scare tactic they play on kids as though it's the worst thing that a person could do.

Christmas sucks anyway so you can't spoil it that bad.

[armoured_amazon]

Everybody is right. You didn't ruin Christmas, he did. Kick his lazy ass out.

[exclamatio]

your kindness was being abused, you did the right thing and you were brave confronting your brother over it.

dont worry about the timing, why should they walk all over you, using both you and your house over christmas and yet when you ask to be respected you are the cunt?

you sound like a decent person to me, if i were in your shoes i would have fucked them off a lot sooner. At the end of the day it is your house, it is your home and they should be nothing but respectful setting foot there.

maybe you will get the money back, maybe you wont just be happy they are out from under your feet. I would request the money back. Just be honest and say you need it to help pay bills and you would like to be able to spend some on yourself or your child. Tell him you want a set amount back each month untill it is all paid back. If he refuses then definately take legal action.

On a lighter note im happy to see people like yourself who are happy to help others regardless of their character, i wish you peace from here on out :)

[redhead]

Coke heads are some of the most selfish people i have ever come across, they do not behave rationally, in there thinking or actions. You have done nothing wrong and have behaved more than responsibly in putting your brother up and giving him some money in his time of need.

Do not beat yourself up about this, its not your doing.

Tell your bro to man the fuck up, he's not a child anymore.

[phildee3]

my brother says he is moving out (I'm quite gflad about that),



If you lend someone a grand, and you never see him again -
it was worth it!

My advice?
Cut your losses. Learn the lesson and don't let him do it again. Shine it on and say "good riddance!"

Hold no animosity. Let it go. Indulge yourself in your drug of choice and have a happy Christmas.

[ayomide]

Sisi - You gotta take your broom and sweep sweep him OUT

He a grown man!! Don't kick him out just request him to leave!

[lottie]

Dont feel guilty- how have you ruined xmas? Your brother is taking the pi** out of you quite frankly and should have more respect for his family! Just because you dont want to be taken for a mug doesnt mean you're in the wrong...if i were you- i'd get all self-righteous and keep being harsh with him, he'll only respect you for it later- you're allowing him to push the boundaries if you dont....he'll keep pushing and pushing as long as he can so you have to be strong and say 'no'! Dont let him turn it around on you- if he does just bring it back to the issue again and again that he's the one in the wrong here!

Hope things get better for ya....you'll have great christmas with your child/ren and if he wants to be a part of it- he needs to compromise and show a little respect for his sister! :)

[mushroombot]

Everybody is right. You didn't ruin Christmas, he did. Kick his lazy ass out.

haha - Hit the nail on the head there!

[unusual_suspect]

Thanks everyone, you have all helped put my mind at rest, it's really great to know that people are willing to give their time and advice so freely.

My bruv does have his good points, even if he is irresponsible, it just happens that I have a longer fuse than most.

But seriously, I can get on with my day now with a sense of peace, and I am going to drink some gin this evening and feel grateful that I have spoken my mind, and that I won't have to put up with his girlfriend over the festive season :D

But yeh, coke heads grind my gears man (maybe that is because I took too much ecsacy and acid in my youth and want us all to love one another and be free!)

HAPPY FOOKIN CHRISTMAS EVERYONE :D

[truthseeker1980]

Yeah dont worry about it, you aint ruined Christmas. If it helps show him this thread so he can get a perspective of how he is acting.

I know my brother used to be the same but with crack so got violent too, he now realises how much of dick he was and regrets ever getting like that.

[klinker]

Obviously, I have come out of this looking like a cunt, I am not right in the head apparently, and my brother says he is moving out (I'm quite gflad about that), how can I smooth things over? I feel like crying and that I have ruined Xmas, but I was just trying to stick up for myself, am I a wanker? :(

Fuck him. He sounds like a ponce.

[lottie]

My bruv does have his good points, even if he is irresponsible, it just happens that I have a longer fuse than most.
Of course he does, everyone does, doesnt stop him takin the piss outta you tho!
But seriously, I can get on with my day now with a sense of peace, and I am going to drink some gin this evening and feel grateful that I have spoken my mind, and that I won't have to put up with his girlfriend over the festive season :D Id certainly get that skank outta my house and away from my kids mate! Im all for freewill etc, but go do your skank somewhere else!
[/B]
:)

[alternative_answer]

Release the need to be depended on, needed, and his dependence on you, let him go on his way, he will have to journey himself for now. Once he begins to find the truth he will gravitate back to the people he knows have been their for him. He needs to begin to be there for himself, we serve no one by doing everything for them, we keep them dependent on us, why?

[unusual_suspect]

Well, she's not a crack whore or anything, I did say to my bruv that I didn't aprove of them doing it in my house, but how am I to know if they do it in the privacy of his room.

My mum and dad think she is really nice, she has a good job, drives a nice car and all that bollocks.

She's still a skank though :D

Bugger what they both think, I'm going to have a good one :cool:

[endlessvista]

You did the right thing. You runied nothing at all!

[synergy777]

Dont feel guilty- how have you ruined xmas? Your brother is taking the pi** out of you quite frankly and should have more respect for his family! Just because you dont want to be taken for a mug doesnt mean you're in the wrong...if i were you- i'd get all self-righteous and keep being harsh with him, he'll only respect you for it later- you're allowing him to push the boundaries if you dont....he'll keep pushing and pushing as long as he can so you have to be strong and say 'no'! Dont let him turn it around on you- if he does just bring it back to the issue again and again that he's the one in the wrong here!

Hope things get better for ya....you'll have great christmas with your child/ren and if he wants to be a part of it- he needs to compromise and show a little respect for his sister! :)

spot on.

[lookfar]

Yep you're in the right here definitely girl:D Don't let him take the piss any longer, you've done over & above what's expected of you & it's time he grew up & faced his responsibilities like the rest of us have to do!

Just put it behind you, enjoy Christmas & don't beat yourself up about it all:D

Wishing you all the best honey, take care x

[sophia_h]

unusual_suspect

you have just given yourself the most POWERFUL gift possible.


Be THANKFUL you have taken a giant leap forward.

it will get easier now for you to see when and where you
must not allow people to wipe feet on you !

and how to stand up for yourself

you opened a door your were keeping closed,
now Spirit can move back in and take your hand and
show you how to walk in light and prosperity again !


write a hypno script for yourself giving thanks, speak it
and record it, and play it just before sleep at night.
Kindness and riches start to flow to you.

This is the best holiday you ever had !
You have much to celebrate.


:D



`

[jesta_g]

Lol you can choose your friends but yo cant choose your family huh?

lol im in exactly the same boat as to my brother oweing me money however its roughly a £1'500 (more than likely over, as you will know it gets hard just to keep track of how much we give them especially if its just for food etc), he has yet to give me a single penny.

Though in my situation my brother is 19, and yes the money was blown on grass, clothing and general shite like booze. The one thing with this for me tho ( and im sure your the same) is there is a "unspkoken" bond and love for our brothers (and sisters) that no matter how shit it for us we will still go out of the way to help them no matter how much it affects our well being.

In your case you have been perfectly reasonable in your reaction, and this can be seen as a wake up call for your brother and a pat on the back to yourself for stepping forward and doing something to correct what was clearly once a kind deed that became a burden.
It is up to your brother to apologise and reconnect the bond you both have, if he honestly chosen to place drugs and "lies" before you and his neice/nephew (your child) then that is saying enough to point out that there is a lesson in life he must go through. you should not have to apologise to him, if you do wish to apologise for anything just to start the repatching then it should only be for the situation having to come to this point, you having to kick him out.

does he smoke when in your house? the same with taking coke?
my girlfriend and i have recently had a wee one and that is something my we dont tolerate (tho of course each to their own) i smoke the green stuff and on occasion dap in the "class As" tho never in the presence or environment of my , or any for that matter, child.

it would seem your brother is really needing to learn this lesson which to be honest should be common sense at 29 yrs old.

you are not the bad guy in this situation whatsoever and he clearly knows this if hes spewing "hate" rants at yet hes the one with lazy/dellusional life issues. hes speakin' out his arse and he knows he is. They fact that he is having to turn to insults as a reaction shows he knows his guilt.

it is a good thing that he is moving out, and hopefully he moves in with his girlfriend because he will rapidly discover and realise his and his girlfriends true colours ass to what they have become.

i totally understand how frustrating it is because its not even about the money, if he made that little bit more effort and contributed by showing that he has some form of commitment towards getting a job and being able to support himself while slowly paying you pay the it would be perfectly acceptable.
The only wrong that you and I (and those in this situation) have done is by not being a blunt as what you have only done just now to show that your not going to allow your time/ life and kindness to be used and "abused" no matter who it is.

in the end our brothers and sisters will love us no matter and vice versa however it is also our job to help them move along and learn lifes lessons. in the case of younger brothers and sisters this to many can be having to teach them that they cant just mooch off of others for the rest of their lives.

my brother is still yet to pay me back however this is not so much bothering as I am proud to see him have himself a great job and also begin to understand how life "works", that is good enough for me now. he is a strong hearted lad and he has always looked up to me for his knowledge on the big aspects of worldly/universal affairs though it is great to know now that he is finally becoming the primary "character" he will be for the rest of his life......

however my bro still needs a good kick up the arse and slap to the head for plenty of other shit but nobodies perfect :p


dont worry about "ruining" xmas, that isnt the important thing here. it is the lesson that both you and your brother need to learn. you must realise that you have to stand your ground on many desicions in your life and your brother (to the point) needs a reality check.

keep your head and remember its all about your child on xmas, everything else is there for us adults to worry about but in the should never be taken too seriously.

sorry that I cant chat on this a lil longer as it is quite an important thing, relationships between relatives etc, im heading off to work the now :rolleyes:

anyway good luck and keep your mind on your little one for now, everyting else unfolds as it should :)

[amandaooo]

Do you think you wanted to fall out with your brother because you can't stand/deal with his girlfriend? You are probably jealous about her in some way.

You are screaming: "justify me justify me!" to everyone.

Why are you doing that? Why are you feeling guilt?

My answer: You are passive aggressive. It is horrible to be in someones house "because they think it's the right thing to do". Push his butt out and let him know what true generosity is all about in someone who really cares about him .

Made you think didn't I?

[sophia_h]

jesta g

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you "choose" to respond to it."


word there!

Thanks !

;)




`

[lewi]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=OONQTQ6auvE

[unusual_suspect]

Do you think you wanted to fall out with your brother because you can't stand/deal with his girlfriend? You are probably jealous about her in some way.

You are screaming: "justify me justify me!" to everyone.

Why are you doing that? Why are you feeling guilt?

My answer: You are passive aggressive. It is horrible to be in someones house "because they think it's the right thing to do". Push his butt out and let him know what true generosity is all about in someone who really cares about him .

Made you think didn't I?


I probably am somewhat passive agressive, but my brother needed to be put up, my mum and dad couldn't or rather wouldn't do it and I thought it was the right thing to do, I never banked on him taking the piss.

It shouldn't be up to me to set guidelines as to what is appropriate behaviour for another adult, also,why should I get slated by you for doing someone a favour?

As for his girlfriend I just don't like her, never have, I don't need a reason, if I don't like her, I don't like her end of story.

I don't even want my own partner round everyday, let alone someone I don't even like. Why should she come round all the time, there's no benefit to me and it pisses me off.

FYI you have not said anything I haven't already considered, there has been no epiphany. I just didn't want to make waves and was wondering if I had behaved like a wanker.

[jahzel]

Ahh just slap him round the face a bit with a wet trout...

[lightgiver]

Hi, I don't know what to do, I have just made a real balls up and if anyone has any advice on how to cool things down, I would really appreciate it.

My brother has been staying with me since June, it was only meant to be for 3 months, but he is still here. He has been rather irresponsible with money and work and he owes me nearly a grand.

Now, I am a single parent and I am not earning a great deal of money, the deal was that he chipped in with rent etc, he has also borrowed money off me under the guise of being skint, but has then spent it on weed!

The thing that angered me the most was he borrowed £200 off my mum and dad cause he started a new job, spent it getting battered with his silly tart of a girlfriend, then borrowed £100 off me, I obviously didn't know that he had already borrowed some money and spent it. He said he would pay me back and that was 2 months ago, he is 29 FFS!

I don't care if people want to take drugs, but if they are borrowing the money off me and can't pay it back, they clearly have a problem.

Then there is his girlfriend, who I just don't like, and she comes round every f**kin day and smokes weed with my bruv cause she lives with her mum and she can't do it there.

I feel like a complete mug, I have been stewing about this for ages, and I went to my nlp and hypnotherapy last night and told my therapist how unhappy the situation has made me.

He has advised taking legal action to recover my money, as a matter of principal and to show that I am not a door mat.

Anyway, I confronted my bruv last night (did not mention legal action) but basically said to him what I have just said here. Sure, the timing could have been better, but why should I put up with this, he does baby sit, but it doesnt mean he can sponge off me and that I should put up with having someone I don't like round my house every day.

Plus his girlfriend is a coke head and I think they both take it quite a bit - they have never offered me a line!

Obviously, I have come out of this looking like a cunt, I am not right in the head apparently, and my brother says he is moving out (I'm quite gflad about that), how can I smooth things over? I feel like crying and that I have ruined Xmas, but I was just trying to stick up for myself, am I a wanker? :(

He is using you.
There can be nowt worse than family's,pains in the arse:) good luck and a happy yule tide,every one as their own agendas at the end of the day,very rare to come across altruism in these dark times,but there are a few left;)

x mas is shit any way,its all false.

[beldazar]

Hi, I don't know what to do, I have just made a real balls up and if anyone has any advice on how to cool things down, I would really appreciate it.

My brother has been staying with me since June, it was only meant to be for 3 months, but he is still here. He has been rather irresponsible with money and work and he owes me nearly a grand.

Now, I am a single parent and I am not earning a great deal of money, the deal was that he chipped in with rent etc, he has also borrowed money off me under the guise of being skint, but has then spent it on weed!

The thing that angered me the most was he borrowed £200 off my mum and dad cause he started a new job, spent it getting battered with his silly tart of a girlfriend, then borrowed £100 off me, I obviously didn't know that he had already borrowed some money and spent it. He said he would pay me back and that was 2 months ago, he is 29 FFS!

I don't care if people want to take drugs, but if they are borrowing the money off me and can't pay it back, they clearly have a problem.

Then there is his girlfriend, who I just don't like, and she comes round every f**kin day and smokes weed with my bruv cause she lives with her mum and she can't do it there.

I feel like a complete mug, I have been stewing about this for ages, and I went to my nlp and hypnotherapy last night and told my therapist how unhappy the situation has made me.

He has advised taking legal action to recover my money, as a matter of principal and to show that I am not a door mat.

Anyway, I confronted my bruv last night (did not mention legal action) but basically said to him what I have just said here. Sure, the timing could have been better, but why should I put up with this, he does baby sit, but it doesnt mean he can sponge off me and that I should put up with having someone I don't like round my house every day.

Plus his girlfriend is a coke head and I think they both take it quite a bit - they have never offered me a line!

Obviously, I have come out of this looking like a cunt, I am not right in the head apparently, and my brother says he is moving out (I'm quite gflad about that), how can I smooth things over? I feel like crying and that I have ruined Xmas, but I was just trying to stick up for myself, am I a wanker? :(

No. You did absolutely the right thing here.
Have you heard the term 'enabler?' thats keeping someone from picking themselves up out of the gutter by supplying them with money etc....there are so many 'enablers' out there who think they are helping when actually they are inadvertently doing quite the opposite!

[lottie]

No. You did absolutely the right thing here.
Have you heard the term 'enabler?' thats keeping someone from picking themselves up out of the gutter by supplying them with money etc....there are so many 'enablers' out there who think they are helping when actually they are inadvertently doing quite the opposite!

Spot on B! ;)

[thorleyart]

kick him out. End of debate.

[dreamweaver]

You're well shut of them, unusual_suspect. And don't fall for any blackmail about "ruining their Christmas" either.