cleft_asunder
05-10-2008, 07:27 AM
I'm in a situation right now which I call spiritual limbo. It is a situation that is between a rock and a hard place. I know exactly what to do in order to rediscover enlightenment, but the desire is seldom there. Half of me wants enlightenment because I know from experience it is the ultimate perspective through which life should be lived. It really is the end of suffering. Yet the other half wants to go outward into the world, which is the strengthening of the ego. And who is that other self? Well it's the ego itself. One day I want to embrace all humanity without judgement and just love them for who they are, while the next minute I feel superior to everone else and I hate them all. I tell you with great conviction that you cannot surrender to oneness --the death before death-- when you live your life through the ego.
In order to rediscover your true self, there must be a balance of a deep desire for that ultimate state, and also a deep un-concern and indifference towards achieving it. This is paradoxically true. Most people on the quest for enlightenment (which implies external searching) have a deep desire, but that is what holds them back. You cannot just have a deep desire because it will lead you to frustration and in the worst case scenario, suicide. And I have read that many Buddhists commit suicide. Conversely, how can you make progress in rediscoverning your true self if you are filled mostly with indifference or if you are happy to just be an individual? Myself, I am in this boat. I get bursts of wanting enlightenment passionately but with long periods of indifference and therefore egoic outward movements. Instead, you must have an indifference and carefree attitude as the foundation.
But back to the situation regarding the outward and the inward movement. The worst situation you can be in spiritually is to want both enlightenment AND the ego at the same time, because then you get neither. And I assure you I have neither. On one hand, I want to just shutup and surrender to The All, but then my ego takes over again and I just want to be individualistic again.
The outward movement will gain you the ego, but the nature of the ego is an insatiable thirst for more, and a discontentment for what is. When the ego is strengthened, the spirit is further obscured and there is less-and-less of a connection to people and The All. An example of an individual who has moved outwardly and has lost connection to the spirit is someone who has a lot of material wealth and possessions and a beautiful wife but who is deeply unhappy, depressed, and hates others. He looks for and finds only flaws and is very individualistic. They find answers through the intellect rather than from inside.
The inward movement is the movement towards spirit (not soul) and can and should be called spirituallity. It results in the deminishing of the ego until, in the end, you are not compulsively drawn to it's superficial charm. Some say that the ego is destroyed when one is living enlightenment. Regardless of the details, the nature of the inward movement is peace, contentment, happiness, joy, bliss for NO external reason. You are peace, contentment, happiness, joy and bliss, while the ego by itself is darkness. It is not a real thing, but rather the absence of enlightenment. An example of an individual who is enlightened is someone who listens with full attentiveness and never feels the inclination to talk. He is content no matter where he is, as opposed to the majority of people who, when they are here, want to be there, and when they are there, want to be here. They are empty canvases who receive the paint of each new moment with open arms --always empty and always full. Their love is not emotional but rather ultimate therefore non-dualistic, and their language is silence and their silence is wisdom.
But do not misunderstand me: It is true you cannot have the ego and the spirit at the same time, but who said you can't move inwardly AND outwardly at the same time? That is to say, who said you have to move outwardly through the ego? When you stop moving towards the ego, you get both the inward and outward movement, while with the ego you only get the outward.
In order to rediscover your true self, there must be a balance of a deep desire for that ultimate state, and also a deep un-concern and indifference towards achieving it. This is paradoxically true. Most people on the quest for enlightenment (which implies external searching) have a deep desire, but that is what holds them back. You cannot just have a deep desire because it will lead you to frustration and in the worst case scenario, suicide. And I have read that many Buddhists commit suicide. Conversely, how can you make progress in rediscoverning your true self if you are filled mostly with indifference or if you are happy to just be an individual? Myself, I am in this boat. I get bursts of wanting enlightenment passionately but with long periods of indifference and therefore egoic outward movements. Instead, you must have an indifference and carefree attitude as the foundation.
But back to the situation regarding the outward and the inward movement. The worst situation you can be in spiritually is to want both enlightenment AND the ego at the same time, because then you get neither. And I assure you I have neither. On one hand, I want to just shutup and surrender to The All, but then my ego takes over again and I just want to be individualistic again.
The outward movement will gain you the ego, but the nature of the ego is an insatiable thirst for more, and a discontentment for what is. When the ego is strengthened, the spirit is further obscured and there is less-and-less of a connection to people and The All. An example of an individual who has moved outwardly and has lost connection to the spirit is someone who has a lot of material wealth and possessions and a beautiful wife but who is deeply unhappy, depressed, and hates others. He looks for and finds only flaws and is very individualistic. They find answers through the intellect rather than from inside.
The inward movement is the movement towards spirit (not soul) and can and should be called spirituallity. It results in the deminishing of the ego until, in the end, you are not compulsively drawn to it's superficial charm. Some say that the ego is destroyed when one is living enlightenment. Regardless of the details, the nature of the inward movement is peace, contentment, happiness, joy, bliss for NO external reason. You are peace, contentment, happiness, joy and bliss, while the ego by itself is darkness. It is not a real thing, but rather the absence of enlightenment. An example of an individual who is enlightened is someone who listens with full attentiveness and never feels the inclination to talk. He is content no matter where he is, as opposed to the majority of people who, when they are here, want to be there, and when they are there, want to be here. They are empty canvases who receive the paint of each new moment with open arms --always empty and always full. Their love is not emotional but rather ultimate therefore non-dualistic, and their language is silence and their silence is wisdom.
But do not misunderstand me: It is true you cannot have the ego and the spirit at the same time, but who said you can't move inwardly AND outwardly at the same time? That is to say, who said you have to move outwardly through the ego? When you stop moving towards the ego, you get both the inward and outward movement, while with the ego you only get the outward.