Confused state of mind

[mo_123]

i am confused....

i had a physchotic episode not too long ago...

i wud say at the very same time i was "awakened"

but theres things thats still dont make sense to me...the picture is still somewhat hazy, i find myself scouring websites continously lloking for some kind of clarity.

i am a muslim, hence there are many aspects of certains things i am not able to follow or belive..

im not sure what happens next...

i feel like sumthing big is due to happen but unclear of what

i see things daily in the media and on the net which make me more and more certain we are living in a society run by totally evil people, more than likely all devil worshippers..and controlled by the devil..

how do i find clarity and peace of mind..

any suggestions?

[bigus_dickus]

love yourself

[sniffle]

Reaching for the inner bright, the very essence-sun of my dreaming bliss
Guided by a fear blinded outside all shades of the perfect black


2. Imprint Of The Un-Saved

The scattered jigsaw of my redemption laid out before my eyes
Each piece as amorphous as the other - Each piece in its lack of shape a lie


3. Disenchantment

Me - the paragon of fear, an immobile skein of tangled nerves exposed
Hastily clawing my way into the darkest of my inner scenes of torture

I stay my breath to escape this slavery
I stay my breath to re-awake and face it encore
The struggle to free myself of restraints, becomes my very shackles


4. The Paradoxical Spiral

Non-physical smothering. Asphyxiation by oxygen hands
Drowning in the endless sky. An ever-downward dive, only to surface
the sewage of indecision, on which all sense of self is afloat
The vortex-acceleration a constant. Resolute in purpose its choking flow


5. Re-Inanimate

My ignorance cast in the mold of all things absolute
I sustain forever my gaze. A stare fixed on the distant oblivion
Resting in the inverted state of being dead, non-sensory matter
As all the earth, the wind, the fire, the sea behold and learn to pity me


6. Entrapment

Mutiny of self. Insurrection games convincingly performed
Incapacitated by physical thoughts acting out the will of tendon and bone
Have the bridges of insanity been crossed and forever retracted?
Am I standing among a thousand selves? Is the multitude of laughters mine alone?


7. Mind's Mirrors

The feeding frenzy of my starving soul, gnawing voraciously at the bones,
the exo-skeletal patchwork protecting my own reflection within;
The twin-and-same engaged in the mirrored act of chewing away
at the shell of my attacking self. The paradox unseen

Treacherous this deceit to make no choice matter
To have and yet lose yourself, until finally all reasons why are forgotten
To live through ones own shadow. Mute and blinded, is to really see
Eclipse the golden mirror and the reflection is set free


8. In Death - Is Life

So imminently visible - this cloaked innocent guilt
Sentenced to a lifetime, a second of structured chaos
Trampled by the ferocious, raging crowds of solitude
I'm the soil beneath me soaking up the sustenance of my own death

Extradited to the gods of chance, the deities of all things random
Alive, multicolored, twitching in their dead monochrome world


9. In Death - Is Death

Iridescent to the searhing eyes, I'm all things vivid in a world of grey
So easily spotted, so easily claimed in this domain where all is prey

My thoughts a radiant beacon to the omnidirectional hunter-god radar
I'm a markerlight of flesh to these subconscious carnivores
I am them. I am teeth. I'm their arousal at the kill
Feasting on self. A schizoreality warp. The contradiction fulfilled

Focus the only means to see me back to life's unending swirl
A reversal of passing away, as the world of dead, as away is now my origin


10. Shed

I float through physical thoughts. I stare down the abyss of organic dreams
All bets off, I plunge - Only to find that self is shed


11. Personae Non Gratae

A lie to maintain equilibrium, to hold me in this dead realm - this last ever dream
I'm the thought that never crossed my mind - disguised in the evident. Forever unredeemed


12. Dehumanization

A new level reached, where the absence of air lets me breathe
I'm inverted electrical impulses. A malfunctioning death-code incomplete
All things before me, at first unliving glimpse undeciphered
Its semantics rid of logic. Nothing is all. All is contradiction

Grinding, churning - the sweetest ever noises
Decode me into their non-communication
A soundtrack to my failure, one syllable, one vowel

A stagnant flow of endings. Un-time unbound. Merging to form the multi-none
A sickly dance of matter, malignantly benign. Greeting the chasm - unbearable, sublime


13. Sum

Vision will blind. Severance ties. Median am I. True are all lies

[mo_123]

maybe its the drugs they have me on....

i cant think...but too much thinking caused my physchosis....

i feel scared too.....scared i might have another episode....scared i may become more "enlightened" and i wont be able to handle what i see...

i have put my faith in god...as a protector and as a healer

lets see what the future brings..

i cant watch tv no more, coz every channel i change to i see the eye displayed in almost every logo on almost every station...

i feel the net is the same in sum way....it also brainwashes slowly...

[agent99]

just because you are muslim, doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to follow or believe in certain things. No matter what earthly relegion you find yourself wrapped up in, doesn't mean you are not deceived by it. I believe that everyone is decieved by their "religions". Just because someone in power that is muslim acts in a certain way, would you do it, does your internal spirit say it is right? I would say I'm christian, but when I see how some so called christians in the media act, I don't want any part of it. Your soul is seeking eternal truth, don't be misguided by the bs dogma that they pour out upon the souls of the earth. Your internal spirit knows what is right and wrong, and you are obviously searching for a truth you had not known or believed before so don't let some organized religion stand in your way of the truth. You are probably way far ahead of most, don't stop now.

In my personal belief, the media exacerbates the differences in our religions to force us to have an enemy so we won't know who the real enemy is. Wag the Dog

[mo_123]

to be perfectly honest...

i dont want to end up in a mental asylum, i had to be sectioned recently, due to my episode..

and that was just out the blue...

the deeper i go into all this...the more bugged i feel.....the more i get disgusting horrible thoughts randomly popping into my mind...

i do fell like i have been bugged or sum form of entity has attached itself to me...

why all of a sudden did this all happen..

all of a sudden i have infatuations with hand symbols and gestures and logos etc

i tried to detail what happned to me in the following thread...

might make sense to sum of u...might not...

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14901

[loderlive]

stop labelling yourself with a religion or an illness and you become authority free.

[clozaril]

lay off the drugs. what mediaction are you on?

[mo_123]

they put me on risperadal..

i was having anotehr attack of sum sorts not too long ago....all of a sudden i was looking at people hand gestires and movements....then time kinda slowed...and next thing was a ifelt a pulse racing from the back of my neck into my skull...i felt petrified that it was happeing again....so i quickly popped a few pills...


slowed my thinking down sumwhat...and the feeling of whatever it was passed...

im on a really low dosage...but i knowor shud i say i can feel it slow me down..

[agent99]

I went back to the link you provided so I could get a clearer picture to what is going on. Maybe you are more enlightened than others, sooner, I don't know. Can you maintain yourself on a daily living basis without medication? If you can, I recommend you stay off the meds, since they tend to dull the senses. Usually schizophrenia hits people in their 20's so I would think this wasn't it. However I don't know you and am unable to tell through a forum sight. I have worked with many shizophrenics in the past and present and tend to wonder sometimes if there is truth in what they say since so many of them tend to have religious themes in their outbursts and beliefs. If you are able to function, go to work, eat, pay bills, perform your activities of daily living without medication, I would try that first.

[mo_123]

I went back to the link you provided so I could get a clearer picture to what is going on. Maybe you are more enlightened than others, sooner, I don't know. Can you maintain yourself on a daily living basis without medication? If you can, I recommend you stay off the meds, since they tend to dull the senses. Usually schizophrenia hits people in their 20's so I would think this wasn't it. However I don't know you and am unable to tell through a forum sight. I have worked with many shizophrenics in the past and present and tend to wonder sometimes if there is truth in what they say since so many of them tend to have religious themes in their outbursts and beliefs. If you are able to function, go to work, eat, pay bills, perform your activities of daily living without medication, I would try that first.

ive been on the meds for a yr now....i do want to try without them now...but the shrink is saying no at this stage....and same with my family, they wont allow me to come of the meds right yet...main reason being...is that im due to return to work in the next few weeks...

[clozaril]

find some form of meditation technique or something to look at, to focus on (non electric)

and try to think of peace or love, something simple
the evil you think of in the world is significantly less than the beauty and love also present in the world.

you are a strong person and good. you can beat this. it is only thoughts.

when the thoughts are racing try to come back to the thought of love how it is present everywhere

peace

[agent99]

Well if you were having those troubling feelings creep up on you again and you popped a couple of pills and felt better, you are being psychologically addicted to the medication, it takes usually an hour or longer for pills to take an effect. I love how on movies they give someone crazy an intramuscular injection and they supposedly pass out immediately, it doesn't work that way in real life, only in movies. An IV injection takes 2-30 minutes to take effect, so don't become addicted to the pills by making you think you all the sudden feel better, that is a load of crap. I am a nurse, I have seen it, I know how drugs work.

[mo_123]

i do want to come off the meds asap...i gota see the shrink in aug...he says he will reduce the dosage then...but im sure i will try get of them sooner now...been a yr that i been on them...need to get off them asap...