Shaynescomedy2@aimgroups.com

[c4rtoonhead]

Three Thoughts to Ponder





1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments




Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, when
investigating Mad Cow disease, our government can track a single cow

born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she

sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their

stalls. But they are unable to locate the 11 million illegal aliens wandering

around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.




The Constitution - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.




The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full
of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

[c4rtoonhead]

The love story of Ralph and Edna


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!

[c4rtoonhead]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in
his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through
such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders
doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat, saying

"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our
garden."

[c4rtoonhead]

Remember: Dogs and cats are generally better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called (cats don't that's why i don't name cats its just cat)
5. Never ask to "borrow" the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't waste money on the latest fashions
9. Don't whinge, bitch, moan and complain
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[c4rtoonhead]

My Résumé

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited fo r it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5.. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in .

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[c4rtoonhead]

_Ideology and Religion Shit List_


Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape
juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as
shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that
happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are
born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you
some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only
the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of Sub-Genius: BOB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.

[c4rtoonhead]

> Blind Man Goes Into A Bar
> >
> > A Blind Man Wanders Into An All Girls Bikie Bar By Mistake. He Finds
> His
> Way To
> > A Bar Stool And Orders Some Coffee. After Sitting There For A While,
> He
> Yells To
> > The Waiter, "hey, You Wanna Hear A Blonde Joke?"
> >
> > The Bar Immediately Falls Absolutely Silent. In A Very Deep, Husky
> Voice,
> The
> > Woman Next To Him Says, "before You Tell That Joke, Sir, I Think It
> Is
> Only Fair
> > - Given That You Are Blind - That You Should Know Five Things:
> >
> > 1. The Bartender Is A Blonde Girl With A Baseball Bat.
> > 2. The Bouncer Is A Blonde Girl.
> > 3. I'm A 6 Foot Tall, 175 Lb Blonde Woman With A Black Belt In
> Karate.
> > 4. The Woman Sitting Next To Me Is Blonde And A Professional
> Weightlifter.
> > 5. The Lady To Your Right Is Blonde And A Professional Wrestler.
> >
> > Now, Think About It Seriously, Mister. Do You Still Wanna Tell That
> Joke?"
> >
> > The Blind Man Thinks For A Second, Shakes His Head, And Mutters,
> "no. Not If I'm Going To Have To Explain It Five Times.
>

[c4rtoonhead]

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!


Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!


Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.

Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.



Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. These people Vote.

=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". . .She ALSO votes!

==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .. . . .He ALSO votes!

==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount He ALSO votes!
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . My friend ALSO votes!


=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? ". SHE ALSO votes!

=========

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . . . . . Yep, he votes too.


=========
Now you know who elects the politicians!!



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
> and have dinner
> with her parents. Since this is such a big event,
> the girl announces to
> her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to
> go out and make love
> for the first time.
> Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
> before, so he takes
> a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He
> tells the pharmacist
> it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy
> for about an hour.
> He tells the boy everything there is to know about
> condoms and sex.
>
> At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how
> many condoms he'd like
> to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
> insists on the family
> pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it
> being his first time
> and all.
>
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
> house and meets his
> girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you
> to meet my parents,
> come on in!"
>
> The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
> where the girl's
> parents are seated. The boy quickly offers ! to say
> grace and bows his
> head.
>
> A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
> prayer, with his head
> down.
>
> 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
>
>
> Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
> girlfriend leans over
> and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
> were this religious."
>
> The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
> your father was a
> pharmacist."

[c4rtoonhead]

Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:
Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take the initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.