I am Depressed

[williammac]

Hello All,

I'm going to write some things that are on my mind right now. I'm not particularly looking for support, sympathy, advice or any such thing. I'm just writing a little doo-da is all.

It's the holiday season here, my least favorite time of the year. Something in the air (not the commercialism and shit, literally something in the air) really gets me down. However, I've felt more down over the last year than any other time in my life.

I started thinking tonight about writers, or just artist people in general. I know we're stereotyped, but the problem is that the typical stereotype about writers, intellectuals, and that general bunch, are almost 100% true. One of the few stereotypes that actually hold true. Right down to the drinking, chain smoking, isolation, depression, dark-corners sense.

I've been this way since I can remember. Part of the reason is that I do not identify with people. The irony is that I can work a crowd, butter you up, be the "cool guy", but it's all an act. I literally have just observed the human race so long that I can hop around like a social chameleon. Within just a few minutes of meeting a person I can act and speak in a way that appeals.

What do I use social get-togethers for? Connections. I'm a leech. I look for the proverbial guy that knows a guy that knows a guy, or someone who has something that I need and I get pal-o'-riffic with them.

In all reality, I'm a sad son of a bitch. Sometimes it gets so bad that I just try to figure out why. In all actuality, my constantly analytical mind may be part of the problem.

I often attribute my thirst for knowledge and understanding as a key role in my horrible attitude and depression. The more I learn, the more I think, the more I theorize, the more detached and hateful I become. The more of a wall a put up. The more I withdraw.

Even though depression is commonly associated with feeling sad, in my experience it has been the lack of feeling and the want thereof TO feel something. It's like a drug relapse -- I start looking around me and all of a sudden, for just a short second, all of my hate fades away, my walls are lowered and I think 'I just want to be happy like all of those people are'. Just as quickly as that thought comes, it then disappears. The walls are back, the shell hardened, the spite restored and then I think 'I can never be like them, I can never lower myself to their level'.

I decided to look on the Internet tonight randomly about why writers and artists are depressed. I found some phsycological articles that really fit the bill. For example:

The writer works alone and for long periods. Social isolation is linked to depression because social interaction provides various kinds of support that can inhibit depressive thoughts and tendencies. The writer doesn't get much exercise. Regular exercise mitigates against the development of depressive symptoms. The writer is poorly paid, and this might lead to poor diet (though I must say that, in my case, the reduction in shopping budget has led to healthier meals), which is linked to depression. Poor pay is also linked to lowered social status, another causal factor in depression. Finally, your success as a writer is almost completely attributable to other people - editors, publishers, readers - and when those people aren't helpful (i.e. you almost never find yourself in court defending a pointless action that will only drive up sales of your already monstrous book), this might lead to a sense of hopelessness, and a feeling that the fundamentals of life are not under your control.

That is so right, it's scary. If I'm not getting paid constantly for the work I do, or if money is tight I will go into bouts of depression that consist of doing nothing but sleeping and staring at the wall for days.

May I draw your attention, yet again, to the research published by Kay Jamison, Professor of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. Her study showed that 38% of a group of eminent British writers and artists had been treated for a mood disorder of one kind or another; of these, 75% had had antidepressants or lithium prescribed, or had been hospitalised. Of playwrights, 63% had been treated for depression. These proportions are, as you will have guessed, are many times higher than in the population at large.

At least I know I'm not along on that one. But, that's where I get the stereotype as true. All writers know that the others are just alike.

I remember reading something in the bible a long time ago. It was something like "Knowledge is a sorrowful thing". I'm pretty sure that us writers actually have this insane godly view of ourselves, though. I know I personally consider myself as a very important individual. In fact, I'm so secure (within my own mind) of my importance that I believe without a doubt that I am living a life of sacrifice in order to bestow my talents and understanding upon the unenlightened world. How fucking prideful is that eh?

But there is no way to cure the depression. Exercise? Well, I do it, but all I can think about is how I could be doing something productive. Being social? Oh man, don't get me started about how I will mock all those around me.

I mock because of the cliches. I mock because of ignorance. The thing is, I can't stand to see people being happy. At least, I can't stand people being happy in that stupid sense, where they're happy for no reason -- which is almost all happy people I see.

It's odd to be this way. The recluse, the vagrant, the constant thinking, the 48 hours of no sleep.

Sometimes I think about going out and getting myself one of those girlfriends everyone always talks about. But, I've had them before -- I can't stand them. Hugging, touching, feeling -- these things to me are what animals do. I honestly feel disgusted by hugging a person. Sex was even worse. I've had a lot of sex, but the times when I had it habitually were for experience, as if to stack up some good feelings for future stories. Once I got all my checks checked, then sex was over. To me, to have sex is as if I am lowering myself to the level of a dumb beast. I've always wanted to refrain from it, because I've always wanted to be above it. Contrary to popular belief, this is the way it is for a lot of writers.

And why don't I -- we -- talk about it with people? Because, worst of all, we know all of the answers to our own problems. We know why we are the way we are. Why talk about it? It solves nothing. So, we let it go. We often come to the grips that we're just not capable of that level of life. The one with the white picket fence and 1 1/2 children. I couldn't tell you how many women I've left on a whim. they go to work, I'm gone 300 miles away when they come back. No reason, just gone. Probably because they knew too much about me.

Anyway. That is all some things I'm just considering tonight. I was going to handwrite it in an old journal that I haven't written in in a long time, but I thought I would submit it to people who will just give whatever random thoughts they have about it.

I still primarily associate the depression to too much knowledge. I remember that, even though I've always been the thinker, the times when I didn't know much were the only times I was happy.

It's very curious, and I just think about it sometimes. Us silly writers. We'll crack your skull in a bar, but go home and weep over a dead cricket because it reminds of something idiodically existential.



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[steppewar]

I agree. Life is an endless sack of slow, leaking, dripping shit. I can't even be fuckin' arsed going out drinkin' anymore. I prefer to get pissed on my own and wallow in my own bastard misery.

[lemonique]

Hi William, they tell me that the Hindi people have a good sense of humour !

The God - YouTube
YouTube - The God

This is a nice video..........
The Rainbow Warriors - YouTube
YouTube - The Rainbow Warriors

It's just the 'silly season' blues exacerbating the situation, I'm feeling it too. Comes over in waves.

Lemonique

[Anders Lindman]

Something in the air (not the commercialism and shit, literally something in the air) really gets me down.

I usually don't feel low around Christmas, but there is some kind of heaviness nowadays. I have tried to make my emotions more peaceful, but instead the opposite happens with a lot of heavy emotions and even hatred floating up to the surface from the subconscious somewhere. Nasty stuff. The good thing is that the more nasty shit comes up to my surface awareness the more it can be dissolved, but the problem is that there is so much of the nasty stuff within me!

People push other people down. I am probably doing that myself without being much consciously aware of doing it. The ordinary social program people are programmed with is a kind of pushing other people down in order for oneself to rise upwards.

As Bruce Lipton said, the power pyramid in the world for example, has not been created by people climbing upwards but by people pushing other people down! Horrible!

The root problem is probably that we believe we have to struggle, and then struggle is what we will experience. Imagine all people in society always struggling with their personal lives. That would make anyone depressed!!!

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

William, I understand your feelings at this point.
The most brilliant of minds will always be the tortured ones. The ones that see past the lies that the masses live. It depresses you. It brings you down. Making you wish to lie awake 24/7 in a cold room with nothing but your smokes, your liquor and your thoughts. No one deserves to see the genius that dwells inside you. Fuck them, you'll think to yourself. To be honest; you're right. None of them deserve beauty.
The winter only makes it worse due to the lack of sunlight. The short days. The death outside everywhere. You become obsessed with your physical and it only reminds you of your inevitable end.

The best cure for this: cry, drink, smoke, read humor, and keep a plant inside your house.
The best one is keeping a plant inside your house. Because it will remind you of the cycle. That there is always life after death.

[grover66]

I still primarily associate the depression to too much knowledge. I remember that, even though I've always been the thinker, the times when I didn't know much were the only times I was happy.

Hi, William. I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I think it's only ever "intelligent" people that feel depressed really. I know some highly stupid people but what I envy about them is they're so constantly happy! I think to be aware of the depth of the shit you're in takes some ability to think and look inward, traits not normally associated with airheads.

I think it's really one of the trade offs of being artistic and creative: intelligence and sensitivity, thus self-awareness and depression. But sometimes when I feel myself getting too "down", I remind myself that I'm the only one sailing this particular ship and if I can't get things under control, no one else can. That's when I usually crack a bottle of wine and put on a tried and tested funny movie, one that I know will make me laugh no matter how often I've seen it. Then I tell myself I wouldn't want to be anyone else in the world for quids!

I hope you have a really great Christmas (leaving aside the arguments as to whether we should celebrate it or not) because it does put pressure on people to be "happy"! Drink, chain smoke and be merry! :)
XOX

[mountain]

Williamac, I could relate to you say, 5 years ago.... As a Writer and artist myself, yes it is indeed lonely in the midst of folk that choose to focus their energies and efforts towards the unreal, I know. No more worries.... My heart tells me that this is temporary. In fact, more people are refining their abilities nowadays! :):):)

I have realized that I am not alone, everyone is an artists and creator, and now is the moment to express our talents!!! :););)

Cheer up!! The beauty of the Earth awaits!! Behold....!!!!

[rossus]

if you want no longer be depressed,
stop believing in the thoughts that bring you down.

"The world is fucked"
"I am fucked"

don't have pity with yourself,
stop creating your illusion of unhappiness.



if you had no thoughts at all right now,
your fantasy world would be without problems.

even when there is pain,
when you don't consider yourself to be a victim..
it will make the situation A LOT better....

it is the "poor me... i can't handle this"-story which makes a problem a problem.

never consider yourself defeated,
you can't lose. the snakes have only tricked you into believing you have.

http://users.telenet.be/psy/hiranyafight.jpg

life simply happens, and some people have more pleasure and less pain than others.
you think your life is bad?

there is people whose living circumstances are MUCH worse than yours,
but are happy, because they don't choose the path of self-pity...

these people have faith in life... and they don't surrender their heart to some depressive thoughts.
surrender your heart to life... not your own self-pity.



my suggestion is to stop believing the thoughts and the feelings of the body define who you are.
if you do so, you will see that the unhappiness was only a illusion... as was that which you believed yourself to be.

you are the universe... not a poor body having thoughts.
have faith in your TRUE-self.

[fremmenwarrior]

W.M. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with such honesty and sincerity. I too can relate to much of what you have written here.

It's interesting that you said, "Something in the air (not the commercialism and shit, literally something in the air) really gets me down. However, I've felt more down over the last year than any other time in my life."

What is that "something" in the air? which is always present at this time of year? Yes, you can sense it, you can feel it, almost touch it. I believe that it's definitely something 'spiritual'...

Year after year, since my childhood, I experience something rather strange:

I eat well, am very fit and active and I rarely get ill or colds etc., however, over the Christmas and New Year period - from mid-December to mid-January, I am almost bed-ridden and completely 'crushed' by what I can only explain as a tremendous sense of overwhelming sadness and complete and utter despair??

During this time, I ALWAYS get really bad headaches; dizziness, and also terrible 'tightness' and stabbing pains in my chest, back and upper body (left side only?). It's like an incredible tension inside of me, that feels like I'm going to quite literally explode! I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of bursting into tears - and the only relief I get from the incredible pain (apart from large doses of paracematol) - is WEEPING alone in my room!

I work in public services in the city - and seeing everyone stressing, the nastiness, the rudeness; rushing about spending money they haven't got, the office parties, people drunk, behaving stupidly and spewing up everywhere, all this makes me feel even worse!

I am a quiet 'book-worm' type of person, and bit of a loner anyway, who doesn't relate to this world or most of the shithead people in it, for most of the time. I cannot bare to be anywhere near the holiday 'revellers' and these 'happy' inebriated people who love thier lives in this system of things. It's all so sick, fucked up and false! But my job means I have to be near these people; and some days, it takes ALL of my efforts just to get into work during this period. Once the festivities and New Year celebrations are over, it takes about a week or so after New Year for me to 'recover' and the pains/tension subsides - and then I am fine?

What exactly is it about this time of year that can make some people feel so bad / ill / depressed?

[williammac]

Hi William, they tell me that the Hindi people have a good sense of humour !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hXEXqgQzy8
YouTube - The God

This is a nice video..........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utBkbJIYMy8
YouTube - The Rainbow Warriors

It's just the 'silly season' blues exacerbating the situation, I'm feeling it too. Comes over in waves.

Lemonique

hah hah, thanks for the videos. Yeah, they do have a great sense of humor. I used to date a half Italian half Indian chick about 4 years back (Stephania Lakshmi Onofri Mulchan) and they were primarily Hindi. 5 months of the best food I've ever had. I mean... I'm a meat and potatoes guy, and they served all vegetarian, but it was always amazing.



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[williammac]

I usually don't feel low around Christmas, but there is some kind of heaviness nowadays. I have tried to make my emotions more peaceful, but instead the opposite happens with a lot of heavy emotions and even hatred floating up to the surface from the subconscious somewhere. Nasty stuff. The good thing is that the more nasty shit comes up to my surface awareness the more it can be dissolved, but the problem is that there is so much of the nasty stuff within me!

People push other people down. I am probably doing that myself without being much consciously aware of doing it. The ordinary social program people are programmed with is a kind of pushing other people down in order for oneself to rise upwards.

As Bruce Lipton said, the power pyramid in the world for example, has not been created by people climbing upwards but by people pushing other people down! Horrible!

The root problem is probably that we believe we have to struggle, and then struggle is what we will experience. Imagine all people in society always struggling with their personal lives. That would make anyone depressed!!!

This time of year, starting in October, has always been horrible for me. Ever since I was a little kid. I dread October, because there is something in the air when the seasons start to change that just really get me down and make me want to hide away.

I've noticed that, for a lot of men within my family, this is very common. I've also met a good amount of other people who feel the same.

The way I know it's starting to sneak up with me is when certain smells, temperatures, overcast skies and so on will begin reminding me of things. Nothing bad, but just...things. I don't know why it makes me so angry, uncomfortable and all of that mess, but it does. It's a time when I am literally forced to reflect, and I don't want to.

The struggle is a big part of it. The more I research, the more I just wish I didn't care. I really just wish I didn't give a shit. I keep thinking that if I didn't care then I could walk away from everything that I've started, the likes of which I know will eventually thrust me into potentially harmful struggles all because of this little voice inside that says "it's your job to be who you are."

Well, if I had my way I would just work a 9 to 5. I'm incapable, though.

Thanks,



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[nuit]

A time comes in your life when you finally get it
when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity,
you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere
the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH!"

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after a blind
tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder
once or twice, you blink back your tears and
begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for
something to change or for happiness, safety, and
security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that you are neither
Prince Charming nor Cinderella. And that, in the
real world, there aren't always fairy-tale endings
(or beginnings, for that matter). And that any
guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with
you and in the process, a sense of
serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect
and that not everyone will always love, appreciate,
or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK.
They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

And you learn the importance of loving and
championing yourself and in the process, a
sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people
for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you)
and you learn that the only thing you can
really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what
they mean or mean what they say, and that not
everyone will always be there for you, and
that it's not always about you.
So you learn to stand on your own and to
take care of yourself and in the process, a
sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you
begin to accept people as they are and overlook
their shortcomings and human frailties and
in the process, a sense of peace and
contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view
yourself and the world around you is as a result
of all the messages and opinions that have
been ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the junk
you've been fed about how you should behave,
how you should look, how much you should
weigh, what you should wear, what you should
do for a living, how much money you should
make, what you should drive, how and where
you should live, who you should marry, the
importance of having and raising children,
and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and
different points of view. And you begin
reassessing and redefining who you are
and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting
and needing and you begin to discard the
doctrines and values you've outgrown, or
should never have bought into to begin
with .and in the process, you
learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we
receive. And that there is power and
glory in creating and contributing and
you stop maneuvering through life merely
as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and
integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone
era but the mortar that holds together the
foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything,
it's not your job to save the world and that
you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and
responsibility and the importance of setting
boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the
one you choose to carry and that martyrs
get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love, how
much to give in love, when to stop
giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they
really are and not as you would have them be.
You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.
And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting
your feelings aside, smoothing things
over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are
perfectly OK, and that it is your right to
want things and to ask for the things you
want and that sometimes it is
necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve
to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity,
and respect and you won't settle for less.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear,
and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels
our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in
life what you believe you deserve and that
much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is
worth working for and that wishing for
something to happen is different from
working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to
achieve success you need direction,
discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all
alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly
fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your
fears because you know that whatever happens
you can handle it and to give in to fear is to
give away the right to live life on your own
terms. And you learn to fight for your life
and not to squander it living under a
cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always
get what you think you deserve, and that bad
things sometimes happen to unsuspecting, good
people. On these occasions you learn to not
personalize things. You learn that God isn't
punishing you or failing to answer your
prayers. It's just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its
most primal state the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger,
envy, and resentment must be understood and
redirected or they will suffocate the life out of
you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and
to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort
in many of the simple things we take for granted,
things that millions of people upon the earth can
only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running
water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for
yourself by yourself and you make yourself a
promise to never betray yourself and to never,
ever settle for less than your heart's desire.


Finally, with courage in your heart and faith by
your side, you take a stand, you take a deep
breath, and you begin to design as best you
can the life you want to live.

[williammac]

William, I understand your feelings at this point.
The most brilliant of minds will always be the tortured ones. The ones that see past the lies that the masses live. It depresses you. It brings you down. Making you wish to lie awake 24/7 in a cold room with nothing but your smokes, your liquor and your thoughts. No one deserves to see the genius that dwells inside you. Fuck them, you'll think to yourself. To be honest; you're right. None of them deserve beauty.
The winter only makes it worse due to the lack of sunlight. The short days. The death outside everywhere. You become obsessed with your physical and it only reminds you of your inevitable end.

The best cure for this: cry, drink, smoke, read humor, and keep a plant inside your house.
The best one is keeping a plant inside your house. Because it will remind you of the cycle. That there is always life after death.

You're right about the not wanting to sleep thing with all the vices. That's me. I HATE sleeping. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to. I feel like it's a waste of time. I stay up for 48 hours about two to three times a week and then sleep it off 12 hours or so. This has only recently been going on since winter started.

Plants? I don't know, I always end up accidentally killing them. I have cats though, hah.

I don't cry. I'm not saying that out of the quintessential man pride, but moreover because I used to be able to have a good tear-up even as a guy. I just don't feel shit anymore. I literally don't feel anything. I don't feel happy, sad, anything. I just feel numb.

When I would get depressed in the past, I was alright with it. Those were the times when I would have the very best epiphanies, revelations, whatever. I would listen to music or watch fantastic movies that made me think. I've been trying to do that and I find myself entirely numb to it -- that's what somehow sets this winter apart from the rest. It's as though I've gone through all that shit and there is nothing left to do except come to grips with my reason for being around, which I have. However, it's a lonely way to exist. Even when you're with people, you can't talk to them on your level. If you were with someone on your level? Well, there ain't no reason to talk.

Sometimes I'm not even sure I'd want life after death, seems even more complicated. You know, I've never actually felt at home being in my skin, though. I've never felt like I am a part of the world.

when I was really little they sent me to pshychiatrists and stuff, because I would throw temper tantrums and scream "I want to go home" over and over again. I remember that I felt as though I wasn't home, and that I belonged somewhere else.

So if there is life after death, I'd like to think of it as that home I've always been wanting to feel comfortable in. A place to relax. That's a really nice thought, actually.

Thanks,



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[dondaz]

Hi ya mate. That was insightful and very open of you. Not many people have the understanding and confidence to talk about themselves like that. You have some great qualities there William.

Good thread;)

[williammac]

Hi, William. I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I think it's only ever "intelligent" people that feel depressed really. I know some highly stupid people but what I envy about them is they're so constantly happy! I think to be aware of the depth of the shit you're in takes some ability to think and look inward, traits not normally associated with airheads.

I think it's really one of the trade offs of being artistic and creative: intelligence and sensitivity, thus self-awareness and depression. But sometimes when I feel myself getting too "down", I remind myself that I'm the only one sailing this particular ship and if I can't get things under control, no one else can. That's when I usually crack a bottle of wine and put on a tried and tested funny movie, one that I know will make me laugh no matter how often I've seen it. Then I tell myself I wouldn't want to be anyone else in the world for quids!

I hope you have a really great Christmas (leaving aside the arguments as to whether we should celebrate it or not) because it does put pressure on people to be "happy"! Drink, chain smoke and be merry! :)
XOX

I was talking to my mom the other day. I told her how I recently had a three day spell where I was just depressed in a lethargic way. I slept, stared at the wall, ate, slept.

Well, I've noticed that when I"m depressed, I don't drink or smoke. I'll go days without drinking or smoking.

The ironic thing is that when I'm working and in my normal mood, I drink all day, from morning when I wake up till the minute I go to bed, and chain smoke to boot. I thought that was kind of funny.

Yeah, Christmas, even up until last year, used to give me a pretty warm feeling. Seeing the lights around and stuff. That's another thing that's bugging me this year, I'm not getting any of that. I see the lights, I don't feel anything.

I think that's what is really, really bugging me -- it's not my feeling "down" it's that I'm not feeling ANYTHING at all.

The airheads got it going on, in my opinion. I tell people all the time that they should just not read a book, EVER. They'll be a lot better off, hah hah.



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[2013]

Sleep patterns altering well i was going to say being depressed you need deep rest , having been diagnosed manic depressive, amongst other things back in the day (its called bi -polar now does that mean you sleep with both sexes of any type of bear? ) Its a phase and a cycle sometimes it can last a long time but things always change , The numb feeling i can relate to is this because of the negativity we encounter or are we refining our emotions or preparing for something to come? Individually and collectively we are on the verge of something a shift is happeneing , i used to stay awake for days on end and sleep to catch up and foun d my sleep patterns change to sleeping thru the day and staying awake of a night , although it was handy to watch sunrise and sunset most of the time thru this , so try that if you can maybe some light therapy encoding is needed .:D

[williammac]

Williamac, I could relate to you say, 5 years ago.... As a Writer and artist myself, yes it is indeed lonely in the midst of folk that choose to focus their energies and efforts towards the unreal, I know. No more worries.... My heart tells me that this is temporary. In fact, more people are refining their abilities nowadays! :):):)

I have realized that I am not alone, everyone is an artists and creator, and now is the moment to express our talents!!! :););)

Cheer up!! The beauty of the Earth awaits!! Behold....!!!!

Well, I don't mean to come across as the angst-filled artist. I did go through that as well several years ago, but that isn't what this is.

This is more of a tired, lethargic depression that I'm having. Something like, I'm trying too hard, I'm tired of knowing stuff, I'm tired of having all the ideas, I'm tired of having all the pictures in my head.

It's like, as an artist/writer, you're not really in control. When you write something, you're not really writing it -- your mind is simply playing back some weird recording and your putting it on paper. Same thing with painting.

The reason it's exhausting is because, for me, the ideas never stop coming. They aren't just ideas in fiction, but also journalism (and multiple sub-genres of journalism) then there are the painting ideas, then there are the marketing ideas then there are all the weird combinations.

So, I'm holed up in here in my studio, entirely at the will and discretion of my creativity in which I consider myself a slave and I have no real way of ever explaining to anybody what I'm thinking in the conventional sense like grabbing lunch.

It's exhausting, it's frustrating, it's lonely and I wish I just didn't have so much on my plate.

I'm not complaining, persay. I am analyzing why I feel the way I do and why these waves come over me. Why, for example, I can't actually enjoy myself going to a regular get-together even if I did decide to.

It was strange to find out that this really is the way it is for the bulk of artists.



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[williammac]

if you want no longer be depressed,
stop believing in the thoughts that bring you down.

"The world is fucked"
"I am fucked"

don't have pity with yourself,
stop creating your illusion of unhappiness.



if you had no thoughts at all right now,
your fantasy world would be without problems.

even when there is pain,
when you don't consider yourself to be a victim..
it will make the situation A LOT better....

it is the "poor me... i can't handle this"-story which makes a problem a problem.

never consider yourself defeated,
you can't lose. the snakes have only tricked you into believing you have.

http://users.telenet.be/psy/hiranyafight.jpg

life simply happens, and some people have more pleasure and less pain than others.
you think your life is bad?

there is people whose living circumstances are MUCH worse than yours,
but are happy, because they don't choose the path of self-pity...

these people have faith in life... and they don't surrender their heart to some depressive thoughts.
surrender your heart to life... not your own self-pity.



my suggestion is to stop believing the thoughts and the feelings of the body define who you are.
if you do so, you will see that the unhappiness was only a illusion... as was that which you believed yourself to be.

you are the universe... not a poor body having thoughts.
have faith in your TRUE-self.

I appreciate what you said, but I also advocate the same things. I don't pity myself and I'm not self-involved in the least right now.

Hah, I'm the one that's always saying "get the fuck over it".

But, I work alone quite a bit of the time, and sometimes I get these waves of meloncholy that come over me. Actually, it happens a lot. I never let it bother me, I ignore it, I just consider it feeling.

Sometimes, though, I just have to try to analyze it and figure it out. I always end up coming to the conclusion that I am just not going to be able, within my lifetime, to go out and have all of that regular fun that other people have. I am just going to have to work like I do, very hard, with a higher sort of reason for it and I won't be able to actually experience the fun that comes with romantic love and all that related jazz.

So, I feel down about it sometimes, wishing that I were like the people I know. More carefree, less concerned with the global world around me, less concentrated on learning constantly without pause.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I always tell people "there is always a bigger fish" whenever they complain to me. I say that because, as you implied, there is always someone that has a bigger problem.

I made a sort of vow to myself several years back, that i would never EVER complain about my life, nor say life is bad, nor any such thing. I haven't since. My life is great, my life is full and people would kill to be where I am.

My little brush lately with depression has been a strange sort of one that is actually devoid of any feeling. It is one where I am finding myself thinking "I wish I feel."

Thank you again,



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[Anders Lindman]

This time of year, starting in October, has always been horrible for me. Ever since I was a little kid.

If it has been with you even since a child, then it could be a program inherited from your mother, who could have inherited it from her mother and so on. We tend to believe that our thoughts and feelings are our own, but much of that is inherited programs, and programs from society. Not genetic inheritance. The genes are basically only blueprints for proteins, the building blocks of the cells. The more complex inheritance is on a higher level and starts already in the fetus.

[williammac]

W.M. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with such honesty and sincerity. I too can relate to much of what you have written here.

It's interesting that you said, "Something in the air (not the commercialism and shit, literally something in the air) really gets me down. However, I've felt more down over the last year than any other time in my life."

What is that "something" in the air? which is always present at this time of year? Yes, you can sense it, you can feel it, almost touch it. I believe that it's definitely something 'spiritual'...

Year after year, since my childhood, I experience something rather strange:

I eat well, am very fit and active and I rarely get ill or colds etc., however, over the Christmas and New Year period - from mid-December to mid-January, I am almost bed-ridden and completely 'crushed' by what I can only explain as a tremendous sense of overwhelming sadness and complete and utter despair??

During this time, I ALWAYS get really bad headaches; dizziness, and also terrible 'tightness' and stabbing pains in my chest, back and upper body (left side only?). It's like an incredible tension inside of me, that feels like I'm going to quite literally explode! I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of bursting into tears - and the only relief I get from the incredible pain (apart from large doses of paracematol) - is WEEPING alone in my room!

I work in public services in the city - and seeing everyone stressing, the nastiness, the rudeness; rushing about spending money they haven't got, the office parties, people drunk, behaving stupidly and spewing up everywhere, all this makes me feel even worse!

I am a quiet 'book-worm' type of person, and bit of a loner anyway, who doesn't relate to this world or most of the shithead people in it, for most of the time. I cannot bare to be anywhere near the holiday 'revellers' and these 'happy' inebriated people who love thier lives in this system of things. It's all so sick, fucked up and false! But my job means I have to be near these people; and some days, it takes ALL of my efforts just to get into work during this period. Once the festivities and New Year celebrations are over, it takes about a week or so after New Year for me to 'recover' and the pains/tension subsides - and then I am fine?

What exactly is it about this time of year that can make some people feel so bad / ill / depressed?

Everything you just illustrated is EXACTLY what happens to me. I don't know what it is about this time a year, but it's been like this for me since I can remember, all the way until I was just a little kid I've reacted the same way evertime.

I've noticed that there are a few people that this also happens to, and they are usually males. My aunt calls my mom every time during this season, for example, and complains about how her husband has locked himself in his room, is being rude, not eating. I don't know what it is. And my Aunt's husband Sam is actually one of the smartest and most handy people in the world.

I've always wondered about it, but i can't EVER put my finger on it.

Thanks for bringing to light yet another person who this happens to. I swear, people who don't feel this can't understand what it's like. It's like everything in the goddamn air is itching, scratching and poking you all over and you just want to rip someone's head off for no reason, or scream at the top of your lungs because of how weird this time of year makes you feel.



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[williammac]

A time comes in your life when you finally get it
when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity,
you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere
the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH!"

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after a blind
tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder
once or twice, you blink back your tears and
begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for
something to change or for happiness, safety, and
security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that you are neither
Prince Charming nor Cinderella. And that, in the
real world, there aren't always fairy-tale endings
(or beginnings, for that matter). And that any
guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with
you and in the process, a sense of
serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect
and that not everyone will always love, appreciate,
or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK.
They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

And you learn the importance of loving and
championing yourself and in the process, a
sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people
for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you)
and you learn that the only thing you can
really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what
they mean or mean what they say, and that not
everyone will always be there for you, and
that it's not always about you.
So you learn to stand on your own and to
take care of yourself and in the process, a
sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you
begin to accept people as they are and overlook
their shortcomings and human frailties and
in the process, a sense of peace and
contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view
yourself and the world around you is as a result
of all the messages and opinions that have
been ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the junk
you've been fed about how you should behave,
how you should look, how much you should
weigh, what you should wear, what you should
do for a living, how much money you should
make, what you should drive, how and where
you should live, who you should marry, the
importance of having and raising children,
and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and
different points of view. And you begin
reassessing and redefining who you are
and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting
and needing and you begin to discard the
doctrines and values you've outgrown, or
should never have bought into to begin
with .and in the process, you
learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we
receive. And that there is power and
glory in creating and contributing and
you stop maneuvering through life merely
as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and
integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone
era but the mortar that holds together the
foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything,
it's not your job to save the world and that
you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and
responsibility and the importance of setting
boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the
one you choose to carry and that martyrs
get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love, how
much to give in love, when to stop
giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they
really are and not as you would have them be.
You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.
And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting
your feelings aside, smoothing things
over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are
perfectly OK, and that it is your right to
want things and to ask for the things you
want and that sometimes it is
necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve
to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity,
and respect and you won't settle for less.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear,
and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels
our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in
life what you believe you deserve and that
much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is
worth working for and that wishing for
something to happen is different from
working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to
achieve success you need direction,
discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all
alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly
fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your
fears because you know that whatever happens
you can handle it and to give in to fear is to
give away the right to live life on your own
terms. And you learn to fight for your life
and not to squander it living under a
cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always
get what you think you deserve, and that bad
things sometimes happen to unsuspecting, good
people. On these occasions you learn to not
personalize things. You learn that God isn't
punishing you or failing to answer your
prayers. It's just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its
most primal state the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger,
envy, and resentment must be understood and
redirected or they will suffocate the life out of
you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and
to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort
in many of the simple things we take for granted,
things that millions of people upon the earth can
only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running
water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for
yourself by yourself and you make yourself a
promise to never betray yourself and to never,
ever settle for less than your heart's desire.


Finally, with courage in your heart and faith by
your side, you take a stand, you take a deep
breath, and you begin to design as best you
can the life you want to live.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

[williammac]

Hi ya mate. That was insightful and very open of you. Not many people have the understanding and confidence to talk about themselves like that. You have some great qualities there William.

Good thread;)

Thanks there Dondaz. That reminds me, I need to swing by and catch up on your videos.


-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[mountain]

Look, You say you do not cry, right!! Try it!! Let those emotions out!!! You know what!? I cry here and there, sometimes when I thin k about what the fuck is going on, seeing those innocent children over in Iraq being bombed and for WHAT!!!!

Sometimes, the beauty of seeing two people embrace full of love makes my eyes water. Go outdoors and breathe in fresh air, among trees and nature! Absorb the vision and lovliness of the leaves, the sounds of birds!

It feels damn good to get emotional sometimes. It is a cleanser and healer for the soul. LOVE YOURSELF and express love to others! It is good to sleep and dream! Do some lucid dreaming and fly!! Meditate! Dance!! As an artist, I always play music while I paint and draw! It lifts my spirits and now and then I break away from the canvas and dance and sing! Only YOU can resolve your depression, don't you see? :):):):):)

[williammac]

Sleep patterns altering well i was going to say being depressed you need deep rest , having been diagnosed manic depressive, amongst other things back in the day (its called bi -polar now does that mean you sleep with both sexes of any type of bear? ) Its a phase and a cycle sometimes it can last a long time but things always change , The numb feeling i can relate to is this because of the negativity we encounter or are we refining our emotions or preparing for something to come? Individually and collectively we are on the verge of something a shift is happeneing , i used to stay awake for days on end and sleep to catch up and foun d my sleep patterns change to sleeping thru the day and staying awake of a night , although it was handy to watch sunrise and sunset most of the time thru this , so try that if you can maybe some light therapy encoding is needed .:D

Yeah, usually when these things pass I've come to some kind of new crazy revelation. This time just seems not so... transcendental.

I'm literally just struggling with the work I do with my life, which has caused me to be very reclusive and numb.

Hopefully I'll do a Morrison and break on through to the other side soon.



-William
www.William-Mac.com
www.ThisWeekinTime.com

[tinmenace]

Winter Solstice and Full Moon. It's a little whack out there. It'll pass. :)
http://spiritual-nature.com/images/ilovedavid.jpg

[2013]

wisest is he who knows he knows nothing and ignorance is bliss
true enough , have you ever tried just not thinking or thinking of nothing
the void empty nothingness but once you start to feel as if you are feeling thinking nothing you are drawn to the fact that you are thinking you are thinking nothing start all over again ! Maybe as a collective conciuosness we experience different aspects to share with the whole some of us elect to be the hero , athlete rock star dru g fiend etc while
others think deeply and feel and yet others still remain shallow and blissfully unaware .One day we may integrate it all and become whole and complete .As for work as writer artist etc well only certain people make it due in large part to the agenda of the media , there are lots of creative talented people who never get a look in due to the state of things , but at least the internet is giving people a chance to communicate their abilities with others even if it still is for no or little reward .The creative process exists irrespective of the need for material reward .Perhaps thats why true creative people dont get payed much and live of little food etc as if to prepare for the shift to living off light in the higher dimensions /vibrations .Maybe it is being closer to this relam that is the inspiration in the first place !Maybe material wealth and excess disconnect us fro mthe true creative potential , just a thought :D

[fremmenwarrior]

William, I would say that it is definitely a 'spritual phenomena' which manifests in 'sensitive' people as real and at times, very unpleasant 'physical symptons'.

Others I know suffer from such maladies as lethargy, neglect of washing, shaving and general grooming, lack of concentration, restlessness, starving / refusing to eat, binge eating of chocolate, sweets and/or fatty foods, various unusual aches and pains, chronic insomnia, anxiety and even acute paranoia! ALL say they cannot bear to be around the holiday revellers and choose isolation and prefer their own compnay during mid-December and early January each year.

As you said, if only those who don't suffer from this awful 'holiday blues' could experience the traumatic effects of this damn thing, then they would truly understand what its like and just how unpleasant it can be.

The only way I can explain it is an acute sensitivity to what feels like an enormous upsurge / outpouring of highly negative energy being chanelled / spewed out from wherever the root source of wherever this 'thing' is located.

This is very real. Otherwise normal, fit healthy people can be almost paralysed and crushed by this thing so I'd really like to find out what it is; where its coming from; and why only at this time of year?

Best Wishes,
Fremmenwarrior.

[cloudgazer]

Hi William,

I think I know how you feel. I've been a loner all my life. Also I'm a poor college student. Until 3 years ago I was completely alone. I met my boyfriend who is the only person I have ever met that competely understands me and is on my same level. I know there are others like me, probably on this forum. I just haven't met them in real life.

I barely have any friends, and like you I could make more friends if I wanted. But they wouldn't have the same deep connection to me like my boyfriend.

I agree that the more knowledge you have, the more depressed you can be. Perhaps because when you read about something, it is less surprising/exciting to you. Also the more knowledge you have, the more alone you are.

But what if knowledge is an illusion? What if everything you are sure about, is wrong? No I'm not telling you you're wrong. I'm just trying to get you to question yourself. Maybe you've already gone through this and don't care to again. But if you realise that knowledge is an endless web, then even the things you DO know, you can never understand them completely unless you know everything they're connected to. Therefore everything. I'm sorry if this is boring to you :(

Hope you find a girl just like you, that you actually fall in love with. I will pray for you.

[helloperator]

Hey W. I understand what you are saying. I find it hard to let go and feel. Anyway, for what it's worth...here's something from about 1963 that makes me feel...

When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb
When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When yer laggin' behind an' losin' yer pace
In a slow-motion crawl of life's busy race
No matter what yer doing if you start givin' up
If the wine don't come to the top of yer cup
If the wind's got you sideways with with one hand holdin' on
And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone
And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but yer lazy to fetch it
And yer sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long
And you start walkin' backwards though you know its wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away
And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin'
And yer rope is a-slidin' 'cause yer hands are a-drippin'
And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipe's a-pourin'
And the lightnin's a-flashing and the thunder's a-crashin'
And the windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops a-shakin'
And yer whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'
And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
And to yourself you sometimes say
"I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn't they tell me the day I was born"
And you start gettin' chills and yer jumping from sweat
And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet
And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air
And the whole world's a-watchin' with a window peek stare
And yer good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flying
And yer heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'
And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet
And you need it badly but it lays on the street
And yer bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat
And you think yer ears might a been hurt
Or yer eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterdays rush
When you were faked out an' fooled white facing a four flush
And all the time you were holdin' three queens
And it's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin' around a pinball machine
And there's something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth
And his jaws start closin with you underneath
And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign
And you say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hanging
On this pathway I'm strolling, in the space I'm taking
In this air I'm inhaling
Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailin'
On this mandolin I'm strummin', in the song I'm singin'
In the tune I'm hummin', in the words I'm writin'
In the words that I'm thinkin'
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinkin'
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make yer heart pound
But then again you know why they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
"Cause sometimes you hear'em when the night times comes creeping
And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping
And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of yer thinking
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that it's something special you're needin'
And you know that there's no drug that'll do for the healin'
And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding
And you need something special
Yeah, you need something special all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows yer troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at yer looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rollin' long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked
You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope
But hope's just a word
That maybe you said or maybe you heard
On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve

But that's what you need man, and you need it bad
And yer trouble is you know it too good
"Cause you look an' you start getting the chills

"Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill
And it ain't on Macy's window sill
And it ain't on no rich kid's road map
And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house
And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain't on that dimlit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Ranting and raving and taking yer money
And you thinks it's funny
No you can't find it in no night club or no yacht club
And it ain't in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you're bound to tell
That no matter how hard you rub
You just ain't a-gonna find it on yer ticket stub
No, and it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you
And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you
And it ain't in no cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star's blouse
And you can't find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain't in the cream puff hair-do or cotton candy clothes
And it ain't in the dime store dummies or bubblegum goons
And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knockin' and tappin' in Christmas wrappin'
Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute and look at my skin
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry
When you can't even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No you'll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made out-a paper mache´
And inside it the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who'd turn yuh in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind yer back
My friend
The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do
And think they're foolin' you
The ones who jump on the wagon
Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of money and chicks
And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat
Sayin', "Christ do I gotta be like that
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty
THAT STUFF AIN'T REAL"

No but that ain't yer game, it ain't even yer race
You can't hear yer name, you can't see yer face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that yer seekin'
Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'
Where do you look for this oil well gushin'
Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs
You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you can go to Brooklyn State Hospital
You'll find God in the church of your choice
You'll find Woody Guthrie in Brooklyn State Hospital

And though it's only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You'll find them both
In the Grand Canyon
At sundown

- Bob dylan

[adimon]

So, something I was trying to stall
made its way to you.
And you rush in like you always do.
Everything I have is spent
and I've got used to you
Oh, don't you let
Your mind play tricks on you.

You don't have to do anything that's new,
but seeing you try to win me back
with no big heart attack,
It's all been one big act.
Cos now you're nobody I'll have you
I'll have you back.

Embrace - "Now You're Nobody"

[williammac]

Hey W. I understand what you are saying. I find it hard to let go and feel. Anyway, for what it's worth...here's something from about 1963 that makes me feel...

When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb
When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When yer laggin' behind an' losin' yer pace
In a slow-motion crawl of life's busy race
No matter what yer doing if you start givin' up
If the wine don't come to the top of yer cup
If the wind's got you sideways with with one hand holdin' on
And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone
And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but yer lazy to fetch it
And yer sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long
And you start walkin' backwards though you know its wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away
And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin'
And yer rope is a-slidin' 'cause yer hands are a-drippin'
And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipe's a-pourin'
And the lightnin's a-flashing and the thunder's a-crashin'
And the windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops a-shakin'
And yer whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'
And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
And to yourself you sometimes say
"I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn't they tell me the day I was born"
And you start gettin' chills and yer jumping from sweat
And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet
And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air
And the whole world's a-watchin' with a window peek stare
And yer good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flying
And yer heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'
And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet
And you need it badly but it lays on the street
And yer bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat
And you think yer ears might a been hurt
Or yer eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterdays rush
When you were faked out an' fooled white facing a four flush
And all the time you were holdin' three queens
And it's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin' around a pinball machine
And there's something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth
And his jaws start closin with you underneath
And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign
And you say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hanging
On this pathway I'm strolling, in the space I'm taking
In this air I'm inhaling
Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailin'
On this mandolin I'm strummin', in the song I'm singin'
In the tune I'm hummin', in the words I'm writin'
In the words that I'm thinkin'
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinkin'
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make yer heart pound
But then again you know why they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
"Cause sometimes you hear'em when the night times comes creeping
And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping
And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of yer thinking
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that it's something special you're needin'
And you know that there's no drug that'll do for the healin'
And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding
And you need something special
Yeah, you need something special all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows yer troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at yer looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rollin' long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked
You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope
But hope's just a word
That maybe you said or maybe you heard
On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve

But that's what you need man, and you need it bad
And yer trouble is you know it too good
"Cause you look an' you start getting the chills

"Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill
And it ain't on Macy's window sill
And it ain't on no rich kid's road map
And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house
And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain't on that dimlit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Ranting and raving and taking yer money
And you thinks it's funny
No you can't find it in no night club or no yacht club
And it ain't in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you're bound to tell
That no matter how hard you rub
You just ain't a-gonna find it on yer ticket stub
No, and it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you
And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you
And it ain't in no cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star's blouse
And you can't find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain't in the cream puff hair-do or cotton candy clothes
And it ain't in the dime store dummies or bubblegum goons
And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knockin' and tappin' in Christmas wrappin'
Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute and look at my skin
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry
When you can't even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No you'll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made out-a paper mache´
And inside it the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who'd turn yuh in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind yer back
My friend
The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do
And think they're foolin' you
The ones who jump on the wagon
Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of money and chicks
And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat
Sayin', "Christ do I gotta be like that
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty
THAT STUFF AIN'T REAL"

No but that ain't yer game, it ain't even yer race
You can't hear yer name, you can't see yer face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that yer seekin'
Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'
Where do you look for this oil well gushin'
Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs
You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you can go to Brooklyn State Hospital
You'll find God in the church of your choice
You'll find Woody Guthrie in Brooklyn State Hospital

And though it's only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You'll find them both
In the Grand Canyon
At sundown

- Bob dylan

"I put my monkey up on the log
in order for him to do the dog
he wagged his tail and shook his head
he went and did the cat instead
he's a weird monkey
very funky

Now I got a woman and she's so mean
she sticks my boots in the warshin' machine
she sticks me a buck shot when I'm nude
she puts bubble gum in my food
she's funny
wants my money
calls me honey"

-Bob Dylan

[strife]

Hey, without droning on in a long probably boring post I just thought I'd like to say that I more or less agree with you william on your original post. I'm not a writer but I can relate to a lot of it in certain ways.

Having said that I'd like to address this quote:
But if you realise that knowledge is an endless web, then even the things you DO know, you can never understand them completely unless you know everything they're connected to. Therefore everything. I'm sorry if this is boring to you.


Then what do you do? If it's all a pointless cycle, or you get to that point where you realize it is useless and pointless. Then what good would it even be to live again, even in a so-called perfect world of your own choosing?

Once your soul, or whatever you want to call it, gets to that point, is there really any further point continuing?

I mean, could you even be truly happy on that place without realizing how fake, or illusory, even that would be?

Perhaps it is this time when a soul doesn't need to exist anymore, return to the "source" and let something else come from all of that?

Maybe that is just part of the great overall thing of each fractal experiencing itself. Some are needed, some are examined then recycled/thrown out/etc.?

Could a soul get to a point where it truly does not want to exist any longer and simply doesn't?

Just thinking...

[cloudgazer]

Hey, without droning on in a long probably boring post I just thought I'd like to say that I more or less agree with you william on your original post. I'm not a writer but I can relate to a lot of it in certain ways.

Having said that I'd like to address this quote:


Then what do you do? If it's all a pointless cycle, or you get to that point where you realize it is useless and pointless. Then what good would it even be to live again, even in a so-called perfect world of your own choosing?

Once your soul, or whatever you want to call it, gets to that point, is there really any further point continuing?

I mean, could you even be truly happy on that place without realizing how fake, or illusory, even that would be?

Perhaps it is this time when a soul doesn't need to exist anymore, return to the "source" and let something else come from all of that?

Maybe that is just part of the great overall thing of each fractal experiencing itself. Some are needed, some are examined then recycled/thrown out/etc.?

Could a soul get to a point where it truly does not want to exist any longer and simply doesn't?

Just thinking...

Hmm, I don't know Strife.

I only said that thing about knowledge because I hoped William would find it liberating. That if you find that the knowledge of everything can never be reached, you will stop chasing? I don't know why that would make life pointless, to know you can not reach the end of an infinite tunnel. (If anything you would gain energy to do other things than chase knowledge, "Facts")

I don't think knowledge has such great value, does it? I appreciate things like "Wonder" and "curiousity". Life becomes an adventure when you Don't Know. Think of how much fun you had as a child, when there was so much you didn't know, and you wanted to know.....so you asked WHy is this? then again Why is that? Again and again. Because you can always ask why? Even why do you ask the question why? It's endless.

Maybe I'm wrong, but you know the saying "Knowledge is Power". Well something like Power is something I don't value at all. I don't want to rule over anything or anyone. I don't want to say to a stupid person "I have power over you because I know more than you". Likewise I don't want the same said to me. But if knowledge is an illusion, because there are endless possibilities, then so is power (an illusion). But doesn't that make life fun?

[gravityhero23]

Hi William,

just read your post and all the replies. May I add interject and add my two-pence - - i too suffer?? in a similar way to you - - shunning of social gatherings, yes/no relationships with women, creative diaspora, excessive use of intoxicants - too much analytical thought and a heart ripping desire for knowledge.

I too fear for my health/wealth/sanity and soul - a defence mechanism against the attacks from big pharma, MIC, self, electronic smog, pollutants, tv lies, etc/.

maybe it's reasoned the madmen will burn - after all the global NWO goals are near completion.

Also you are right the writers life is somehow scripted to usually break down the walls of normality, be that constructively with success or destructively with excess

So with the risks assessed we choose the role.

life or death or combinations thereof -

I write, I read, have done for years - -the usual rebellious literature - - bukowski, burroughs, R A wilson, kerouac, blake, tim leary, orwell, a huxley. BTW before you ask I have read every D-ICke book apart from the latest which i probably wont buy, nor be a paying member of this forum. And most importantly I have met him in person, way before he was even known on the scale he is today. Like anyone else he is polarity - negative and positive - will explain further of need be, at a later date.

Have tripped over 333 times on LSD , brewed psilocybin after freshly picking mushies a good 23 times - swallowed enough dirty street amphetamine to ulcer myself and lose consciousness numerous times - drank heavily in catharsis waiting for the emotional pain to disappear and smoked and still do Cannabis daily for the last 5 years.......... enough is enough and time will change us for the better.

On the other hand, I have also been searching for helpful tools of awareness - healing and the like and have fortunately been good enough to experience some pretty powerful antidotes to the depression.

I'm going to be buying one of these in the next few weeks, I have made a few budget versions in the past which helped tremendously.

http://www.elixa.com/estim/CES%20Ultra.htm

also with the use of OZONE from a tesla device.

orgonite semi helps at least in theory

anyway my addiction calls and i typed too much.

have you ever read Journey to the End of the Night
By Louis-Ferdinand Céline????? if not, buy it, borrow it or steal it my friend.

also visit the Unhived mind website - Neophytes, muppets and DICKE himself may slag Craig Oxley off but his research is hardcore especially on health which makes this website look like the hospital reception desk compared to the operating theatre.


K

[eternal_spirit]

Just be yourself.....

[mindsplinter]

I was in that place, Depression Villa. I too drank, drugged, and dined myself into all kinds of pitiful situations. Then I discovered what has just been a marvelous cure.

I stopped thinking so damn much.

Try it. When you're bummed out. Stop thinking a bout it. Stop. Go stare at the threads in the carpet. find a rock and just enjoy the rock. Stop thinking so much.

[helloperator]

"I put my monkey up on the log
in order for him to do the dog
he wagged his tail and shook his head
he went and did the cat instead
he's a weird monkey
very funky

Now I got a woman and she's so mean
she sticks my boots in the warshin' machine
she sticks me a buck shot when I'm nude
she puts bubble gum in my food
she's funny
wants my money
calls me honey"

-Bob Dylan

Haha...I haven't thought about that song in ages. I'd forgotten those lines.

[swoarg]

hi there
i know nothing but feel alot ,at times i think it is good to forget what you think you know or have learnt and chill out relax go with the flow it will lead you some were very interesting every time you do this trust me ;)
bad negative thoughts will only trap you which is why they exsist and the more they can trap you the more they will be sounds to me like ur fighting urself and ur thoughts and at the same time trying to hold a conversation that doesnt relate to what ur thinking :confused: control those thoughts pick out bad negative thoughts put them aside some were and save em for ur book
bad negative thoughts are the most basic of thought possibly encouraged by the media to keep us trapped
seems od to me that when i was a kid life in general was better and less restrictive tv for me was the
herb garden
magic roundabout
flower pot men
chitychity bang bang
finger bobs
and loads more but these days its all about badness fighting war revenge shooting killing defend sex money drugs and so on is there anywonder why most of us are feeling a bit sad and desperate especialy the unfortunate ones that have never seen the magic round about or the herb garden
there must be a reason why we have so much of the
negative stuff in our lives and i think its a form of controll
plus it makes easy viewing i think i would look at bad or negative thoughts as a form of controll brake those chains before they weigh you down well thats my rambling done with hope it helps
or better still watch farscape or read a book but i have never read one so i wont know what thats like :eek:

[edit]

Grateful Dead - Dire Wolf. - YouTube

[edit]

Grateful Dead - Me & Bobby McGee - YouTube
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.