kasalt
22-12-2007, 02:56 AM
Or at least, they would be funny if they weren't so tragic...
http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/20/the-years-most-laughable-political-antics/?hp
Winner of the George Orwell Award for Outstanding Achievement in Historical Revisionism: Karl Rove, for claiming that Senate Democrats prematurely forced President Bush to go to war in Iraq when Congress passed the war resolution in 2002. It was the White House’s position, Rove insisted, that the issue should not have been politicized right before an election. On hearing that claim, Andrew Card, former White House chief of staff, laughed and said sometimes Rove’s “mouth gets ahead of his brain.”
Best Debate Sound Bite from a Democrat: “I mean think about it, Rudy Giuliani, there’s only three things he mentions in a sentence—a noun and a verb and 9/11, and I mean, there’s nothing else.” —Joe Biden.
Best Exhibition of 9/11 Tourette’s Syndrome: Asked why he interrupted a speech to the NRA to take a cell phone call to his wife (a stunt he’s pulled many times during campaign events), Rudy Giuliani explained it was because of 9/11. “Quite honestly, since Sept. 11,” he said, “most of the time when we get on a plane, we talk to each other and just reaffirm the fact that we love each other.”
Least Surprising Revelation: Dennis Kucinich’s admission that he once communed with a UFO, confirming an account in Shirley MacLaine’s book that said he “felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind” as an otherworldly, triangular craft hovered above him. As David Letterman joked, “Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO; he seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO.”
Most Likely to Flunk a High School Civics Test: Dick Cheney, who in an attempt to shield his records from the National Archives, claimed that the office of the vice president is not a part of the executive branch, but rather a part of the legislative branch. It was also revealed that Cheney has invented his own secret document designation (“treated as” secret) to shield his everyday papers from the scrutiny of posterity, and keeps several man-sized safes where he can hide the rest of his secrets, or, if need be, his waterboard.
Runner up: White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, who admitted she had never heard of the Cuban missile crisis. “It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure,” she said.
Most Invertebrate: Congressional Democrats, who in their steadfast determination to end the Iraq war, valiantly passed a series of non-binding resolutions and hosted a pajama party before ultimately rubber-stamping bills to continue funding the war at a cost of some $2 billion per week. Their approval rating bottomed out at 11 percent, which, it should be noted, is substantially lower than Michael Jackson’s (25) or O.J. Simpson’s (29). “Democrats were so stunned at this number,” Bill Maher joked, “that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be.”
Most Estranged: Dick Cheney and Barack Obama, who discovered that they are eighth cousins, thanks to a common ancestor who came to America from France in the 17th century (presumably driven by imperial blood lust, yet tempered by boyish idealism). A spokesman for Obama noted that “every family has a black sheep.”
Least Likely To Win Votes From Duck Lovers: Mike Huckabee, who said in a speech to the NRA, “I’m pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can’t wait!” To which Jon Stewart quipped, “Are you saying that our heaven is duck hell? Is there any place a duck can go to not get shot?”
Worst Theme Song: After inviting the public to cast their votes, Hillary Clinton announced that “You and I” by Celine Dion would be her official anthem. It was a shame because there were so many more imaginative possibilities floating on the Internet, like “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” “Devil With a Blue Dress On,” “Fool on the Hill,” “First We Take Manhattan (Then We Take Berlin),” “I Got a Crush on Obama,” and “Springtime for Hitlery.”
Best Bushism: During the 2000 presidential race, candidate George W. Bush famously asked, “Is our children learning?” Seven years into his presidency, the Great Pronunciator finally arrived at a conclusion: “Childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured,” Bush declared as he touted the success of No Child Left Behind.
http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/20/the-years-most-laughable-political-antics/?hp
Winner of the George Orwell Award for Outstanding Achievement in Historical Revisionism: Karl Rove, for claiming that Senate Democrats prematurely forced President Bush to go to war in Iraq when Congress passed the war resolution in 2002. It was the White House’s position, Rove insisted, that the issue should not have been politicized right before an election. On hearing that claim, Andrew Card, former White House chief of staff, laughed and said sometimes Rove’s “mouth gets ahead of his brain.”
Best Debate Sound Bite from a Democrat: “I mean think about it, Rudy Giuliani, there’s only three things he mentions in a sentence—a noun and a verb and 9/11, and I mean, there’s nothing else.” —Joe Biden.
Best Exhibition of 9/11 Tourette’s Syndrome: Asked why he interrupted a speech to the NRA to take a cell phone call to his wife (a stunt he’s pulled many times during campaign events), Rudy Giuliani explained it was because of 9/11. “Quite honestly, since Sept. 11,” he said, “most of the time when we get on a plane, we talk to each other and just reaffirm the fact that we love each other.”
Least Surprising Revelation: Dennis Kucinich’s admission that he once communed with a UFO, confirming an account in Shirley MacLaine’s book that said he “felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind” as an otherworldly, triangular craft hovered above him. As David Letterman joked, “Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO; he seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO.”
Most Likely to Flunk a High School Civics Test: Dick Cheney, who in an attempt to shield his records from the National Archives, claimed that the office of the vice president is not a part of the executive branch, but rather a part of the legislative branch. It was also revealed that Cheney has invented his own secret document designation (“treated as” secret) to shield his everyday papers from the scrutiny of posterity, and keeps several man-sized safes where he can hide the rest of his secrets, or, if need be, his waterboard.
Runner up: White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, who admitted she had never heard of the Cuban missile crisis. “It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure,” she said.
Most Invertebrate: Congressional Democrats, who in their steadfast determination to end the Iraq war, valiantly passed a series of non-binding resolutions and hosted a pajama party before ultimately rubber-stamping bills to continue funding the war at a cost of some $2 billion per week. Their approval rating bottomed out at 11 percent, which, it should be noted, is substantially lower than Michael Jackson’s (25) or O.J. Simpson’s (29). “Democrats were so stunned at this number,” Bill Maher joked, “that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be.”
Most Estranged: Dick Cheney and Barack Obama, who discovered that they are eighth cousins, thanks to a common ancestor who came to America from France in the 17th century (presumably driven by imperial blood lust, yet tempered by boyish idealism). A spokesman for Obama noted that “every family has a black sheep.”
Least Likely To Win Votes From Duck Lovers: Mike Huckabee, who said in a speech to the NRA, “I’m pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can’t wait!” To which Jon Stewart quipped, “Are you saying that our heaven is duck hell? Is there any place a duck can go to not get shot?”
Worst Theme Song: After inviting the public to cast their votes, Hillary Clinton announced that “You and I” by Celine Dion would be her official anthem. It was a shame because there were so many more imaginative possibilities floating on the Internet, like “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” “Devil With a Blue Dress On,” “Fool on the Hill,” “First We Take Manhattan (Then We Take Berlin),” “I Got a Crush on Obama,” and “Springtime for Hitlery.”
Best Bushism: During the 2000 presidential race, candidate George W. Bush famously asked, “Is our children learning?” Seven years into his presidency, the Great Pronunciator finally arrived at a conclusion: “Childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured,” Bush declared as he touted the success of No Child Left Behind.