ultrafrigid
13-04-2010, 10:03 PM
I've lived in a hell for the better half of the past two years and two months now. I had up-moments, but I never understood why. Now I know why. Rather, I've always known - but I've always tried to get around it another way. There isn't another way. I hurt so bad despite my obvious choices because of a couple little, discrete choices I keep making that perpetuate this shit.
This is trivial to most of you, but a revolution to me. The last remaining problem I have, this pain, is now on the edge of the well with my fucking foot on its chest yelling, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and my spirit is cold and numb and careless now to anything else in the world or out of it except this one fantastic bloody thing I discovered.
Purpose... it was all about my purpose. I always knew my purpose inside myself but was always trying to find reasons to remain focused on my materialism. I'm 18 now. Several years ago I encountered a new emotional feeling I eventually called 'Cobalt Dream' for lack of a better way to explain it. See my avatar? The colors in that image spawn the feeling when I look at it, hence, 'cobalt'. Cobalt Dream, or Cobalt for short, was and still is the phenomena I've experienced that something major is about to happen in a few years, only a few, and I have a particular destiny I particularly was meant to follow. I've felt and seen a number of images and feeling from dreams and sudden 'openings' of the third eye at random moments during the day when my thoughts happen to fall in line with Cobalt, even if just for a moment. That is the 'dream' half of it. I'm not sure if it's all metaphorical or literal, the things I see myself doing in the dreams and thoughts connected to it, but I have a general outline of what's going to happen, and everything from the past few years have only been the beginning. I know the feeling's real and true; it's the most precious and secure feeling I've ever has and feels perfectly, precisely in line with me. It's a more real sensation than anything I've ever otherwise felt aside from one experience I had when I managed to astral project and saw a light at the end of a tunnel, like described in NDEs. The message communicated by Cobalt comes in the form of raw feelings. I instantly understand the whole message the moment it hits me. It doesn't come in words. It's difficult to translate into words, though I don't care, as nobody else needs to know my destiny. Only me.
I'm aware this life is only a dream. Perhaps it is a coincidence I called this 'Cobalt Dream'. Cobalt is pure love; I'm aware of this as well, and that, as it's so-told, there are 'no coincidences'.
The pain's worked up over the years and gotten especially severe over the past week. Just a half hour ago, when I felt ready to really quit, really kill myself and let go and leave this fucking place behind, this little sensation of strength hit me paired with a little message attached, like it was a little gift from someone, somewhere. It was from me. A gift from some part of me that had gotten my message and came to me at that moment right when I needed it the most. Cobalt, I think. I don't know, and I don't care. The message was in the form of feelings again and was small and quiet, so I had to stop for a moment to focus on it enough to grasp the meaning. It told me what the problem was. Now, I'm passing that to you guys. Now you know the message that saved my life on this day a half hour ago.
I didn't devote myself to my purpose. I didn't actually care about anything else but Cobalt but I had my choices switched up; I was devoted to that which I cared not for, and devoteless to the only reason I was still alive. Didn't want to believe it, didn't want to leave the old ways behind. Now I have to. It's time to leave it behind and move on. Shed the old self and start anew.
Focus on your purpose. Only your purpose. There is no other way around it. No substitutes. Nobody else can do it for you. You can't cover up the pain forever. You can only replace the fear with love. With this message I'm giving up the last of my material aspirations, what little I have left.
I'm glad I didn't listen to myself before, because now I know I will.
This is trivial to most of you, but a revolution to me. The last remaining problem I have, this pain, is now on the edge of the well with my fucking foot on its chest yelling, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and my spirit is cold and numb and careless now to anything else in the world or out of it except this one fantastic bloody thing I discovered.
Purpose... it was all about my purpose. I always knew my purpose inside myself but was always trying to find reasons to remain focused on my materialism. I'm 18 now. Several years ago I encountered a new emotional feeling I eventually called 'Cobalt Dream' for lack of a better way to explain it. See my avatar? The colors in that image spawn the feeling when I look at it, hence, 'cobalt'. Cobalt Dream, or Cobalt for short, was and still is the phenomena I've experienced that something major is about to happen in a few years, only a few, and I have a particular destiny I particularly was meant to follow. I've felt and seen a number of images and feeling from dreams and sudden 'openings' of the third eye at random moments during the day when my thoughts happen to fall in line with Cobalt, even if just for a moment. That is the 'dream' half of it. I'm not sure if it's all metaphorical or literal, the things I see myself doing in the dreams and thoughts connected to it, but I have a general outline of what's going to happen, and everything from the past few years have only been the beginning. I know the feeling's real and true; it's the most precious and secure feeling I've ever has and feels perfectly, precisely in line with me. It's a more real sensation than anything I've ever otherwise felt aside from one experience I had when I managed to astral project and saw a light at the end of a tunnel, like described in NDEs. The message communicated by Cobalt comes in the form of raw feelings. I instantly understand the whole message the moment it hits me. It doesn't come in words. It's difficult to translate into words, though I don't care, as nobody else needs to know my destiny. Only me.
I'm aware this life is only a dream. Perhaps it is a coincidence I called this 'Cobalt Dream'. Cobalt is pure love; I'm aware of this as well, and that, as it's so-told, there are 'no coincidences'.
The pain's worked up over the years and gotten especially severe over the past week. Just a half hour ago, when I felt ready to really quit, really kill myself and let go and leave this fucking place behind, this little sensation of strength hit me paired with a little message attached, like it was a little gift from someone, somewhere. It was from me. A gift from some part of me that had gotten my message and came to me at that moment right when I needed it the most. Cobalt, I think. I don't know, and I don't care. The message was in the form of feelings again and was small and quiet, so I had to stop for a moment to focus on it enough to grasp the meaning. It told me what the problem was. Now, I'm passing that to you guys. Now you know the message that saved my life on this day a half hour ago.
I didn't devote myself to my purpose. I didn't actually care about anything else but Cobalt but I had my choices switched up; I was devoted to that which I cared not for, and devoteless to the only reason I was still alive. Didn't want to believe it, didn't want to leave the old ways behind. Now I have to. It's time to leave it behind and move on. Shed the old self and start anew.
Focus on your purpose. Only your purpose. There is no other way around it. No substitutes. Nobody else can do it for you. You can't cover up the pain forever. You can only replace the fear with love. With this message I'm giving up the last of my material aspirations, what little I have left.
I'm glad I didn't listen to myself before, because now I know I will.