Jokes so bad they're good

[father ted]

Why was 5 mad at 6?

Because 789.

[lucky884]

Two hippos wallowing in a swamp, one says to the other "It's funny but I keep thinking it's Wednesday."

[auron]

Two slugs are moving along the street, when they come across a snail.

One of them says " Hey mate! I like your caravan! "

[auron]

A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan. The sausage says "Bloody hell, It's hot in here!"

The egg says " By, Jesus! Would you look at that! A talking sausage!"

[lucky884]

Two amoeba are struggling out of the primordial goo, one says to the other "I wonder if we're doing the right thing."

[auron]

An Englishman, Irishman and a scottsman walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke??"

[father ted]

Why do women bleed?

Because they deserve it.

(It's a different kind of bad, but "so bad that it's good" none the less)

[auron]

Ooohh! That's a nasty one! :eek::eek::eek:

Why do women get thrush??

So they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

[father ted]

Tourist: what does dog taste like?

Vietnamese man: it tastes like chicken, exept it's a bit rrrufff!

[father ted]

Two cows in a paddock, one of them goes moo. The other one says "dam you, I was gonna say that".

[i am all i am]

I LOVE YOU.

A man walks into a pub......ouch !!!

THANK YOU.



http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S34.gif With LOVE http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S36.gif

[pollock]

A man walks in to a bar with a stearingwheel on his dick.
The bartender says "Do you know you have a stearingwheel on your dick?".
"Yes" replies the man "It's drivin' me nuts!".

F

[lucky884]

Two Penguins standing on an iceberg and one says to the other "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

[lucifershammer]

A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan. The sausage says "Bloody hell, It's hot in here!"

The egg says " By, Jesus! Would you look at that! A talking sausage!"

LOL i actually laughed out loud at that one. so stupid, but i wasnt expecting that punch line.

[i am all i am]

I LOVE YOU.

How do you get a one-armed person out of a tree ???

Wave to them.

THANK YOU.



http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S34.gif With LOVE http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S36.gif

[i am all i am]

I LOVE YOU.

A man was going out to the airport, he saw a sign, 'airport left'.....so he turned around and went home.

THANK YOU.



http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S34.gif With LOVE http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S36.gif

[celtic isis]

Why was 5 mad at 6?

Because 789.

LOLZ

[celtic isis]

Why do women bleed?

Because they deserve it.

(It's a different kind of bad, but "so bad that it's good" none the less)

:mad: not good! lost serious brownie points here!

[lucky884]

What's red and stands in the corner - a naughty strawberry.

[father ted]

I thought the hippo one was hillarious! And the amobea one was good!

[father ted]

:mad: not good! lost serious brownie points here!

Oh go on, give us a sexist joke back at the guys!

[graflok]

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

*************

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity
around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says,
"You've got a drink named Steve?"

*************

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"What is this? Some kind of joke?"

[chandrakavi]

It is known now why Nasser suddenly died
of a heart attack.... He received a telephone call from Golda Meir,
who told him, "Let's make love not war".:D:D:D:D

[father ted]

How long is a piece of string?

This long.

[i am all i am]

Oh go on, give us a sexist joke back at the guys!

I LOVE YOU.

I can supply that one...

Do you know that they have put serial numbers on condoms now ???

No...

Obviously you don't roll them down far enough then.

THANK YOU.



http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S34.gif With LOVE http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S36.gif

[i am all i am]

I LOVE YOU.

What does NASA stand for ???

Need Another Seven Astronauts.

THANK YOU.



http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S34.gif With LOVE http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S36.gif

[auron]

What do you call a guy with a blue dick?

A tight fisted wanker.

[lottie]

What did the Scarf say to the Hat?

You go on a-head, i'll go around!!!

:D

[lottie]

Why can't men trust women?

How you can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die???!!!!

:eek::D

[lydia78]

Why do women bleed?

Because they deserve it.

(It's a different kind of bad, but "so bad that it's good" none the less)

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

Let's hope you don't transfigure into a woman
any time soon hey!!!!!!LOL!

[father ted]

Why are women allowed to drive?
How else will you get back from the pub.

What do you call a woman with a tv remote in her hand?
A man.

How do you give a woman an orgasm?
Who cares.

Why do women like men who treat them badly?
Because they're stupid. (true:D)

And now for the grand finale:

What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Nothing, you've told her twice already.

[father ted]

Why can't men trust women?

How you can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die???!!!!

:eek::D

Oooooh, that's nasty, lets hope you don't reincarnate as a woman...

[lydia78]

Oooooh, that's nasty, lets hope you don't reincarnate as a woman...

PMSL....think lotte already has!!!!!!!:eek:
what you said here though;
"What do you call a woman with a tv remote in her hand?
A man."

very true!!:D

[chandrakavi]

how many hippies does it take to screw a lightbulb?

6 hippies

One to screw the lightbulb
and five to share the experience...:D:D

[father ted]

I saw her picture a long time ago;).

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think we care.

[purple is a fruit]

What is the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's dick called?

HIS BODY

[purple is a fruit]

Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice container?

because it said.....concentrate:D

[purple is a fruit]

why is it so hard to find men who are sensitive, caring AND good looking?

They already have boyfriends:p

[purple is a fruit]

Why are guys like lava lamps?

They're fun to watch, but not very bright! :eek:

[pedsi]

Whats the difference between Ooooh and Aaaah.....

An inch!!

[auron]

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

[jinjo5]

Why was 5 mad at 6?

Because 789.
....OMG...5 plus 6=11.............9...is the last of 789.................9/11:eek::eek:
.......that is a lot of how people think on here..........making things fit from nowt.;)

[phoebe]

A man walks down the street and sees another guy who has an orange for a head. He thinks 'Bloody hell, there's something you don't see every day. I've just got to ask him why he's got an orange for a head.'

So he goes after the guy and says, 'Excuse me mate, I don't wish to be rude, but I can't help wondering why you've got an orange for a head.'

The other guy replies 'That's okay, I get it all the time. It's a crazy story actually. One day, in June of last year, I came out of the pub after a few drinks and I saw a Genie come out of nowhere in a big puff of smoke. He told me I could have three wishes. Great, I thought! So first of all I wished for £100 million. Lo and behold, the Genie clicked his fingers and told me to go and check my bank account and then promptly disappeared. I checked my account and there it was - £100million!!!

Then the Genie pops up again and asks me what my second wish will be. Not being a very big hit with the ladies I decided to ask for 10 women on call at any hour of the day to fulfil my every sexual need. 'Done' said the Genie and again disappeared into thin air. When i got home i was greeted by 10 beautiful women who immediately ripped my clothes off and begin to pleasure me in ways I never imagined.

Later on that day, after I had recovered from my bedroom exertions, the genie pops up once again and says 'Right, only one more wish left, what will it be?' Realising this is my last wish, I thought long and hard and after 20 minutes of silence I decided that the thing I wanted most in the world was....'

'Well??? Don't keep me in suspense. What was it??!' Asked the first guy, completely enthralled by the story.

'To have an orange for a head, of course.'

:D

[auron]

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

[pedsi]

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on;)

[2013]

two snowmen standing in a field one says to the other I can smell carrots
:D

[2013]

why do women have smaller feet than men
so they can stand closer to the sink
not true i do the washing up :(
why dowomen get married in white ?
because it matches the cooker
fridge
washing machine

[2013]

whats black and white and bounces
a nun falling down stairs
the worst joke i ever read , it was in a joke book my younger brother gave me for christmas one year was this one apologies for the irish joke first but thats the way it was written we should change them to a policeman a banker and a politicain walked into a bar !

Anyway sean says to paddy im going a bit thin on top maybe ill have a transplant
paddy so dont be stupid sean you'll look ridiculous with a kidney on your head.
i laughed for over 30 minutes out loud at that one and i was on a bus home on my own :eek:

[purple is a fruit]

What is the difference between 'erotic' and 'kinky' ?

Erotic....requires a feather
Kinky....requires the whole chicken

:o

[father ted]

....OMG...5 plus 6=11.............9...is the last of 789.................9/11:eek::eek:
.......that is a lot of how people think on here..........making things fit from nowt.;)

Every number has a specific meaning, it's how it's used. 9/11 can mean nothing if it's not used specifically.

You forgot to include 6 and 7. Then you'll get 11/24. Add them together then you'll get 35. None of these mean anything.

[father ted]

What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?
Reading her rights.

How come women do not wear wrist watches?
There's a clock on top of the oven.

Why do women have arms?
Do you know how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

[father ted]

But funny:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7245256487050948941

[revolutionary_jam]

- Doctor! Doctor! I can't stop singing the green green grass of home!

- Hrmmm... well sounds like you have an acute case of Tom Jones syndrome

- Is it common?

- # It's not unusual #

[lucky884]

Two birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?"

[i am all i am]

What is the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's dick called?

HIS BODY

I LOVE YOU.

Here's the comeback for this one...

What is the definition of a woman ???

A life support system for a vagina.

THANK YOU.



http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S34.gif With LOVE http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S36.gif

[i am all i am]

I LOVE YOU.

OK, this one is taken from a Rodney Rude joke.....

I've got this Aboriginal friend that has a pet goanna that he takes everywhere with him. When we went to the movies they wouldn't let him take it inside, so he went out the front and shoved it down his jeans.

While inside watching the movie, this woman sitting next to him turns to her boyfriend sitting next to her and says, "Quick, what will I do, the bloke next to me has his prick hanging out ?"

The boyfriend says, "Don't worry about it, you've seen one, you've seen them all."

And the woman replied, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

THANK YOU.



http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S34.gif With LOVE http://www.lifeshore.com/smiley/data/media/3/3D_emoticon_S36.gif

[pollock]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

F

[pollock]

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

:D:D
F

[lucky884]

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist camp?

It's not hard!

[auron]

What do you call the Afghani hide and seek world champion??

Amid.

[phoebe]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

Why do men have one more braincell than dogs?
So they don't start humping your leg at parties.

[soglad]

My mate said this at a Steve Vai concert a while back....

There was a bin on the stage....some security people came to take the bin away....some people boo'd (as they do almost everything) and someone in the audience screamed "Put the bin back up, it rocked!!" to which my friend replied "NO! IT'S RUBBISH!"...

Don't worry, I slapped him...

:D:D

[purple is a fruit]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

Why do men have one more braincell than dogs?
So they don't start humping your leg at parties.



GOLD!!! good one pheobe :D especially the tiling one.

[purple is a fruit]

A man walks into a bar with a

stork
http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/4618/screenhunter279xy0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

and a cat

http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/5920/screenhunter280yo2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


They sit at a table and the man promptly goes to the bar and buys a round of drinks......
A short while later the stork goes to the bar to buy a round of drinks...
not too long later, the man goes to the bar to buy another round......

The barman is by this stage very confused and rather perplexed by this whole scene and decides to confront the man on his next visit to the bar about this rather odd situation he has been observing.

The man approaches the bar...and the barman asks ' Mate, what is the story?, you walk into my bar with a Stork and a Cat.....and if that is not weird enough, you and the stork are buying all the drinks while the cat just sits there, refusing to buy a round of drinks.... What the hell is this?'

The man sighs........'well, I was in my attic this morning and came accross a lamp and as I gave it a bit of a rub...you guessed it a genie popped out, and he granted me one wish and one wish only'....

The barman asks well what in the hell did you wish for?

Well....says the man....I asked for a tall bird, with long legs.....and a tight pussy :o;):D:eek:

[soglad]

HAHAHAHAH!

Classic!! :D:D:D

[thirdwave]

but you did not say it was a pussy cat...


A "cat" is a grown up pussy cat....

I am most put out by this mistake as it would have been a corcker of a joke!! either that of the Gene in the lamp got it wrong :)

:D ;)

[purple is a fruit]

LOL

a cat.....a pussy....well they are the same thing a 'kitten' in my understanding is a non grown up cat.......however if I had said pussy from word go, i think a few may have cottoned on to where it was going dont ya think?:rolleyes:;)

Main Entry: cat
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: animal
Synonyms: bobcat, cheetah, cougar, grimalkin, jaguar, kitten, kitty, leopard, lion, lynx, malkin, mouser, ocelot, panther, puma, puss, pussy, tabby, tiger, tomcat

[soglad]

All this pussy talk!

Pure filth I tell ya!

Enlightened people! *tut tut tut*

:D:D:D

[thirdwave]

i except defeat in that i was getting muddled up with kitten... :(

[purple is a fruit]

i except defeat in that i was getting muddled up with kitten... :(


the real confusing one is the pussy/beaver connection......:eek:

HAHA

Purps;)

[purple is a fruit]

All this pussy talk!

Pure filth I tell ya!

Enlightened people! *tut tut tut*

:D:D:D


Sorry mum:o

[thirdwave]

the real confusing one is the pussy/beaver connection......:eek:

HAHA

Purps;)

remeber... its getting late this end of the pond.... so brain slows down :)

[auron]

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/shirtlessterror.gif

Cheers for that Strider!!!

[father ted]

I'll tell a pussy joke for ya... apparently hillary clinton has one:eek::confused:.

[strider]

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/shirtlessterror.gif

Cheers for that Strider!!!

You're welcome auron :D

It is now my avatar on infinite love...

[pollock]

You're welcome auron :D

It is now my avatar on infinite love...

Its just rofl hilarious!!!!!

Thank you
F

[phoebe]

GOLD!!! good one pheobe :D especially the tiling one.

:D

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why are men like food blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

:D:D:D

[father ted]

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves...

[soglad]

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/28701/2002378635176965367_rs.jpg

[auron]

I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I've got a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves...
I bet you haven't. :D

[indigo]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[lucky884]

Two Lions walking along the frozen food isle in a supermarket and one says to the other - "quiet in here isn't it"

Two seagulls flying over a crowded beach - one says to the other "Takes the fun out of the game doesn't it?"

and here's one I made up earlier:

Two conspiracy theorists walking down the street and one says to the other "Do you fancy a Big Mac?!"

Don't know if its funny - if not make up your own punchline!:)

[father ted]

Speaking of making up your own jokes... I'll try this:

How many de-bunkers does it take to change a light bulb? About 20, 1 to screw the light bulb and 19 to agree to deny that it ever happened.

Look, I tried:D

[lucky884]

Speaking of making up your own jokes... I'll try this:

How many de-bunkers does it take to change a light bulb? About 20, 1 to screw the light bulb and 19 to agree to deny that it ever happened.

Look, I tried:D

:D

How about this:

Two Reptillians walking down the street and one says to the other "I met David Icke the other day"

To which the other replied "I don't believe you!"

(Probably belongs in the Jokes that are just plain bad thread!:))

[father ted]

:D

How about this:

Two Reptillians walking down the street and one says to the other "I met David Icke the other day"

To which the other replied "I don't believe you!"

(Probably belongs in the Jokes that are just plain bad thread!:))

That's actually quite funny, good one!

[lottie]

Speaking of making up your own jokes... I'll try this:

How many de-bunkers does it take to change a light bulb? About 20, 1 to screw the light bulb and 19 to agree to deny that it ever happened.

Look, I tried:D

thats actually very good!! LOL!!

I like the reppy one too!! LOL!! :D

[father ted]

I love you Lottie.


OK, I'm confident of another go:

Why don't children like de-bunkers as baby sitters? Because when they tell them a bed time story or a fairy tale, they only give them the official version.

[celtic isis]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[lottie]

I love you Lottie.


OK, I'm confident of another go:

Why don't children like de-bunkers as baby sitters? Because when they tell them a bed time story or a fairy tale, they only give them the official version.


Ah....:o I love you too, farter ted!! :D;)

Good jokes....keep em coming!!! :D

[turquoisefyre]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

[clipwip]

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Way awesome!


The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

You and your "OH" François doing OK?

[tickles]

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cling film. The psychiatrist says, well i can clearly see your nuts...

[chandrakavi]

A guy wiith his cowboy hat goes to the pub, and asks the
barman that he had lost 20 dollars.
"no" said the barman

"you came here yesterday, and had 20 dollars worth of drinks"
"thanks God" the guy said, "I thought I had lost the money"

:D:D:D:D

[demiurge]

how many men does it take to change the kitchen light-bulb?

none. let the bitch cook in the dark!

[indigo]

how many men does it take to change the kitchen light-bulb?

none. let the bitch cook in the dark!
pmsl:D

[on the road]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[on the road]

How can you trust anything that bleeds once a month for a week and doesnt die? :)

[on the road]

man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I think im cowboy!

doctor says how long have you been like that?

man says about a yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa

:)

[on the road]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

:D:D

[lilly555]

why did the chicken cross the road?








to get to the other side!

roflmao :D

[lucky884]

why did the chicken cross the road?








to get to the other side!

roflmao :D

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?






To see his flatmate!

[auron]

What has 100 legs, and 7 teeth??

The front row of a Cliff Richard concert.

[auron]

Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps a bag of nails on the front desk, and says "Can you put me up for the night??".

[deca]

whats the difference between a penis and a bounce?


your wife will blow your bounce!!!:D

[deca]

how to you stop your girlfriend from giving you head?


marry her:D

[indigo]

how to you stop your girlfriend from giving you head?


marry her:D
Ha ha. so true:D

[deca]

hmm ducking for rings:D

[deca]

heres one for the ladies

why are men like public toilets ?

because there are ether

Engaged

Vacant

Or full of shit!!:D

[clipwip]

What has 100 legs, and 7 teeth??

The front row of a Cliff Richard concert.

I actually remembered this one in a social situation. Usually "jokes" disappear into the fog of my unmemory, but this could apply to so many of today's geriatric stars. Actually, I had never heard of this guy, but I visited the yahoo website that was provided by popup and had a nice chuckle. Quite an elaborate photo gallery for all of those 60-something teens who will forever be chasing their lost youth.

[lucky884]

Just heard this on QI:

Two men and a woman make the shortlist for the job of CIA assassin.

The first man is handed a gun and told that his wife is in the next room and he has to kill her. He immediately admits that he can't do it and is rejected.

The second man is handed a gun and told that his wife is in the next room and he has to kill her. He enters the room, but five minutes later he comes out in tears and admits that he can't do. He is also rejected.

The woman is handed a gun and told that her husband is in the next room and she has to kill him. She enters the room and immediately 6 shots are heard, followed by alot of shouting and screaming. She comes out of the room and says "You bastards might have told me they were blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair leg."

[crowd control]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....



" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[nickatnoon61]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a Dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're
overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had
a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"





He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"

[de_shit]

My dad told me this one years ago.

3 hookers were walking down the street talking about how bad the economy was and how it reflected upon their going fees. One said "Ive had to give head for $10" another one said "$5" and a third one said she gave them for free. The other two said "free, why?" The third hooker said "because I need something warm in my stomach".

[clipwip]

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"

what kind of hairdo was it?

[majicdragon]

Guy in a bar asks a girl at the same table, "Can I smell your pussy?"...

She says no, so he says, "hmm, must be your feet then."

[majicdragon]

Guy asks co-worker, "got any naked pictures of your wife?"

Co worker says no, so guy asks, "want some?"

[majicdragon]

An old rope tied into a knot walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender says, "you look like a rope, we don't serve ropes, are you a rope?"

So the rope says, "I'm a frayed knot"

[majicdragon]

How does hitler tie his shoezies?...

With little knotzies.

[majicdragon]

Where do Russians hide their armies?

In their sleevies.

[majicdragon]

David Icke! ... Budump bump!





OK that one might not be funny....

[majicdragon]

A boy runs away from home because he doesn't like the way his father "reared" him... but he went back because he couldn't leave his brothers "behind"

[auron]

What's 12 inches long, and dangles in front of an asshole??

Tony Blair's tie.

[majicdragon]

What's the first thing a Surrey Girl does when she wakes up?...

She goes home.

[majicdragon]

A rabbit is hopping along a trail in the woods chanting, "I'm a pig. I'm a pig. I'm a pig."

A squirrel looks down from a tree just and has to come down.

"Listen, you're not a pig. Look, you've got two floppy ears, and fur; and you've got a bushy little tail. You're a Rabbit!"

The Rabbit grabs the squirrel, fucks it up the ass, throws it aside, and hops away... "I'm a pig. I'm a pig. I'm a pig. I'm a pig."

[majicdragon]

I'd better stop now. I've only got worse to go.




David Icke... Badump bump... Tshhhhh!

[sensimillia]

A rabbit is hopping along a trail in the woods chanting, "I'm a pig. I'm a pig. I'm a pig."

A squirrel looks down from a tree just and has to come down.

"Listen, you're not a pig. Look, you've got two floppy ears, and fur; and you've got a bushy little tail. You're a Rabbit!"

The Rabbit grabs the squirrel, fucks it up the ass, throws it aside, and hops away... "I'm a pig. I'm a pig. I'm a pig. I'm a pig."

:D

[celtic isis]

What's 12 inches long, and dangles in front of an asshole??

Tony Blair's tie.

classic :D

[father ted]

David Icke! ... Budump bump!





OK that one might not be funny....


I go:

buddumm kssht.

Try that.

[lucky884]

I'd better stop now. I've only got worse to go.




David Icke... Badump bump... Tshhhhh!


ENCORE!!!


Here's another one:

A Blind man walks into a shop, picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it round above his head. A concerned shop assistant walks up and asks, "Can I help you, Sir?" The Blind man replies "No thanks - I'm just browsing!"

[angeldust]

A pander was walking down the red light district,
and one hooker says to the other - dont do bissness with him
Oh says, the other and whys that,
Well says the first, i hear he eat shoots and leaves!!!:D


What has a man and a beer bottle got in common?
there both empty from the neck up!!:D

I go:

buddumm kssht.

Try that.

two drums and a cymbol fall off a cliff ~ buddumm kssht

[angeldust]

what do you call a hooker with no arms or legs

Cash and carry :D

[father ted]

two drums and a cymbol fall off a cliff ~ buddumm kssht

That's really witty, I wish I thought of that!

Why does a hummingbird hum? Because it forgot the lyrics.

[angeldust]

That's really witty, I wish I thought of that!


Sorry but i could'nt resist :D

paddy and merphy sat on the floor, and paddy fell off
(sorry, sorry i know)

[father ted]

Sorry but i could'nt resist :D

paddy and merphy sat on the floor, and paddy fell off
(sorry, sorry i know)

Nah it's cool, I wasn't being sarcastic.

You don't have to be sorry with jokes, the thread is called "Jokes so bad they're good", so they don't actually have to be deliberately funny:


What do you call george w bush on cocaine? George w bush.

If they do happen to be funny that's a bonus, so you can't loose on a thread like this.

[angeldust]

Nah it's cool, I wasn't being sarcastic

Oh cool ,i thought for a min that i'd trod on yor toes:p

Two nuns were driving down the road and a vampire jumps on the car and starts to claw at the nuns window ~
The first nuns says ~ oh sister mary im scared, show him your cross, show him your cross
So sister mary gets out for the car and shouts
GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!!!

[gravityhero23]

WHat's ET short for????



no not extra-terrestrial,

cos he's got little legs. Boom boom

[angeldust]

This was one of my sons

Why did the giraffe that a ruler to bed....

so he could tell how long he slept!!

[angeldust]

when is a door not a door....when it's a jar ... boom boom :D

[father ted]

WHat's ET short for????



no not extra-terrestrial,

cos he's got little legs. Boom boom

I read that the right way the first time, funny that.

[angeldust]

Originally Posted by gravityhero23
WHat's ET short for????



no not extra-terrestrial,

cos he's got little legs. Boom boom


I read that the right way the first time, funny that.

think my blonde roots must be coming through, i didn't get the first or second time!!!

Oh dear need to buy another dye!!

[lucky884]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said, "I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the old swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but a backside and a briefcase."

[phildee3]

Prince Charles zooms around a corner, near Sandringham, in his Land Rover, and runs right over one of his mum's corgis.
He screeches to a halt, gets out and sees the poor beast squashed flat.
Then a genie pops out from behind a bush.
"Oh, my! You're Prince Charles aren't you?" he says.
"Well, old chap; as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'm going to have to grant you an extra special wish; - anything you like."
Charles looks at the dog and says, "Mummy won't be happy about this at all, - can you bring him back to life?"
The genie took one look at the dog and said "That's impossible. He's beyond help. Ask me another."
Well, said Charles, "I'd like my wife to look as young and pretty as the first one."
The genie scratched his head and said, "Can I take another look at that dog?"

[ichi wa zen]

VERY MOST STUPIDEST JOKE I KNOW:

A guy walks in the street and meets a friend who has a dog with him.

"Nice dog you got there mate, what is it?"
"This dog works for the CIA."
"Oww he doesnt look like it."
"No, he is undercover right now."

[father ted]

Mates fuck each other.

[nafenisr]

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[nafenisr]

A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."



Thank you, I'm here all week. Tip your waitress, try the veal, etc.

[phildee3]

A dwarf walks into a bar with his dog and says "do you serve dwarves."
"Certainly, sir," came the reply.
"Okay then," he said "I'll have a pint of best and a dwarf for me dog."

[father ted]

Man describes a Vietnamese restaraunt: "... the chicken was good but the pork was a bit ruff" (you might need to say it out loud).

[daveybpl]

Appologies if these are lost in translation being Scottish n all.

A Wig and a Shit walk into a bar.

'2 pints of lager please barman'

'Sorry boys I can't serve you today'

'And why not?' asks the Wig.

'Well your off your head and your pal's steaming' :D



4 Jobbies walking down the street, what one's the Muskateer?

The D'Ark tan yin:o

[smoking oceanus]

Two blondes walk into a building.....


....you'd think one of them would of saw it.

[craven dark]

Two monkeys in a bath.

First monkey, ooh, ooh, eek, ook!

Second monkey, well why don't you put some cold water in then!

[nafenisr]

Appologies if these are lost in translation being Scottish n all.

A Wig and a Shit walk into a bar.

'2 pints of lager please barman'

'Sorry boys I can't serve you today'

'And why not?' asks the Wig.

'Well your off your head and your pal's steaming' :D



4 Jobbies walking down the street, what one's the Muskateer?

The D'Ark tan yin:o

yup....lost in translation.

[naga]

Ok, here is a really dirty joke...



Why does Tigger smell so very bad?


... because he plays with POOH! :eek:

[daveybpl]

yup....lost in translation.


Yeah, it was one for the Weedgies on the forum;)


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?.........


...........stick it in a microwave and wait till it's Bill Withers.

[phildee3]

Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One leg is both the the same.

[craven dark]

Dracula sucks!:D

[peachped]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

[craven dark]

Ha! de Ha de Ha:D:D:D

[boots]

Why are computers smarter than blonde's


You only have to punch the information in once.

[manchurian_candidate]

What do you call a reptile that works for the Government? ....


A CIVIL SERPENT!!! :D:D:D:D

[boots]

Did you hear about Micheal Jackson?

He was on a Mediterranean cruise and fell over board.

They found him three days later clinging to a boy.

[auntienana]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.


Why do blondes have blue belly buttons?
Because their boyfriends are blond.

What do you call it when a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

[boots]

Why did the politician cross the road?

Because he had he's nob stuck up stuck up the chicken.

Whats a brunette?

A blonde with all the fun bonked out of her.

[ichi wa zen]

George W. Bush.

Best Joke Ever! I Win! :p

[father ted]

Why did the politician cross the road?

Because he had he's nob stuck up stuck up the chicken.

Whats a brunette?

A blonde with all the fun bonked out of her.

I heard that on Bottom!

[father ted]

George W. Bush.

Best Joke Ever! I Win! :p

Heard that literally about a million times:rolleyes::D

[mikidee]

Two cows in a paddock, one of them goes moo. The other one says "dam you, I was gonna say that".

BLACK GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A PARROT ON HIS SHOULDER.. AND THE BARMAN LOOKS OVER AND SAYS.. WHERE THE HELL DID U GET THAT FROM.. AND THE PARROTT SAID. IN AFRICA . THERES MILLIONS OF THEM.

[turquoisefyre]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian takes one look at him and says
' Piss off!, who's gonna bring it back?'

[boots]

Why are washing machine's better than women?

After you dump a load in they don't keep ringing ya.


Sorry ladies.

[belfast atheist]

did you hear about the man that got his sleeping pills mixed up with viagra? he had 40 wanks.

[lucky884]

Two Aliens observing plantet earth:

Alien1: There are two species on this planet, Homo Sapiens and Homo Reptilius.

Alien2: It's a shame they don't like each other.

Alien1: Indeed - you'd have thought with all those homos about they would get along fine.

[jahzel]

What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?






...the wheelchair

*dunk dshhhh!!*:D

[lucky884]

An Australian solder is posted to the front line. The following morning he meets his CO for the first time.

The CO says "Tell me soldier - did you come here to die"

The soldier replies "No I came here yesterday."

[diaphos]

A bloke walks in to a pub looking rather shaken up, says to the barman
“I want a pint of bitter and a whiskey; he downs the pint and then empties the whiskey into the top pocket of his jacket “Another round he shouts” Same again downs the pint and the whiskey in the top pocket. This goes on all night till finally he manages to stagger back to the bar “Same again “the barmen realising the man has had enough says “Sorry mate you have had enough, the drunk starts arguing the barman says
“If you don’t quiet down I will get the bouncers the throw you out, “Well go get the bouncers then I don’t care, and a little mouse pops his head up out of the top pocket and says “You better fetch your bleedin cat as well”

[steppewar]

I couldn't care less whether you people read this or not. This post will achieve a score of 1000 hits whether you like it or not.

Regards,
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

[lucky884]

2 antenna got married.

The ceremony was horrible but the reception was great.

[lucky884]

An elderly couple go to the doctors and complain that they don't get any pleasure out of sex anymore. The doctor looks suprised and say's "you don't get any pleasure out of sex anymore - how old are you?"

The man says "I'm 93 and the wife's 89"

"93 and 89 and you don't get any pleasure out of sex" replies the shocked doctor "when did you first notice this?"

"Twice last night and then again this morning"

[lucky884]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?


















Elephino!

[cafetimes1991]

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

(Courtesy of Monty Python, probably already posted here!)

[astrochicken]

Blind guy walks in to the fishmongers.

"Good morning ladies"
----------------------------------
What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.
---------------------------------
What's red and squeals ?

A freshly peeled baby in a bucket of salt.
-----------------------------------
A 0 (zero) meets an 8 (eight) in the desert and says:

"Fuck me... this hot and you're wearing a belt!"

[ricko]

What happened when the rapper fell off the stage?

- He had to get a hip op.

:D

[lauren_almighty]

I prefer one liners.

My brother told me he wanted to watch a David Icke dvd because he thought he was funny when he makes fun of bush.

I said "David Icke is not a comedian!"



I hope I don't have to explain the double meaning lol

[lucky884]

What's the only Animal with an arsehole on it's back?















A Police Horse

[hunger]

Why do flies go up the chimney in the winter?
because it soots them

[lauren_almighty]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

[hunger]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

I bet he felt a right tit...:D

[steppewar]

I think a lot of people misunderstood Hitler.

He only mentioned, over the breakfast table, that the JUICE wasn't pure and should be concentrated.

[lauren_almighty]

I bet he felt a right tit...:D

lol... best joke so far :p

[hunger]

lol... best joke so far :p


Breast joke so far! :D;)

[cafetimes1991]

Breast joke so far! :D;)

Booooooooo...b!

[hunger]

Booooooooo...b!

some people don't like this thread...yep, it has it's fair share of knockers :D:p

[phildee3]

That reminds me -

A young lady was having a medical check up.
The doctor put the stethoscope to her chest and said, "big breaths."
"Yeth," she said, "and I'm only thixteen!"

[steppewar]

Why did the Nazis invent swastikas?

To crucify spastics.

[lucky884]

some people don't like this thread...yep, it has it's fair share of knockers :D:p

:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLZ6XXblLJI

[relentless]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma. The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

[father ted]

"You know on a chicken farm, who decides which become roast chicken and which become chicken salt?"

"Surely fruit flies are healthier than normal flies".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-mAA7j4b-U

[sorath]

The World Record that David Blaine holds for sitting in a box doing nothing has now been beaten - by Jade Goody.

[astrochicken]

Why did the Nazis invent swastikas?

To crucify spastics.

Brilliant.

[lottie]

Why did the Nazis invent swastikas?

To crucify spastics.

OOOH... THATS BAD MAN!! LOL!! *tries not to laugh*

[lottie]

Lookfar sent me this one via text...

Many men have nicknames for their cocks. Mine was given to me by my girlfriend while she was giving me head..she named it 'the impaler'... yes.. 'the impaler'...or at least thats what i thought she said? Turns out she's asthmatic and its my fault she died! :D

[simplysimon]

Once upon a time there was a cat and a cockerel that wanted to play in the grass on the other side of the stream.

The cockerel being a bit of an athelete said to the cat "We can pole vault across the stream, then we can play in the beautiful grass on the other side."

The cat, being a little bit unsure said "Well, I don't fancy it but if you go first and show me how it's done, it'll be great"

The Cockerel picks up a cane and runs towards the stream, he plants the cane and...

Neeeeooowmm, Thud! Lands on the other side of the stream and starts playing in the grass.

The cat grabs a cane , runs towards the stream, plants the cane and....

Neeeeooowmm, SPLOSH! Straight into the stream.

The moral of this story?

Where there's a wet pussy there's a happy cock!

[apekteina lordosis]

what did dave gahan of depeche mode say when he couldn't get a boiled egg in a french restaurant?

"i just can't get un oeuf"

[lauren_almighty]

I walked past a second hand shop this morning and saw a sign in the window "60 inch plasma TV, stuck on full volume £50" i thought to myself, for fifty quid i cant turn that down...

[awakeorasleep]

What's a wombat used for?
Hitting Woms

Certainly a bad one, not sure if it's so bad it's good:o

[lauren_almighty]

definitely bad lol

[hunger]

What's a wombat used for?
Hitting Woms

Certainly a bad one, not sure if it's so bad it's good:o

What's a Wok used for?
Throwing at wabbits when you haven't got a wifle

http://kara.allthingsd.com/files/2008/04/180px-elmer_fudd.gif

[lottie]

What's a Wok used for?
Throwing at wabbits when you haven't got a wifle

http://kara.allthingsd.com/files/2008/04/180px-elmer_fudd.gif

lmao!!!

[hunger]

lmao!!!

your Impaler! was the best! ha ha :D

I had an asmathic attack once....I should have heard them breathing in the bushes...;)

http://www.mediabistro.com/prnewser/original/emo_philips_old.jpg

[lauren_almighty]

Yeah, that 'Impaler' joke was a good one. Had me laughing for ages lol.

[quetzalcoatl]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't see any.. :D

:rolleyes:

[phildee3]

Q. What's the difference between a duck?







A. One leg is both the same.

[lauren_almighty]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't see any.. :D

:rolleyes:

i think thats the lamest joke ever :p

[quetzalcoatl]

i think thats the lamest joke ever :p

Innit just! ;)

[father ted]

http://www.armageddononline.org/2012%20joke.jpg

[lauren_almighty]

http://www.armageddononline.org/2012%20joke.jpg

Brilliant! :D

[taffwob]

what did dave gahan of depeche mode say when he couldn't get a boiled egg in a french restaurant?

"i just can't get un oeuf"

I think we've found a winner here.:eek:

[simplysimon]

I met a 14-year-old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

[taffwob]

A mushroom walks into a bar & shouts "Drinks for evryone, on me"

What a Fungi.;)

[taffwob]

Detained without trial, dressed in orange, forced to answer questions they dont know the answer to.

How would you like to work in Homebase

[taffwob]

The pope must really like cats, i read somewhere he's a Catoholic

[skunksmash]

Two Irish men fitting windows in the WTC tower..

one turns to the other & says.....''this ere window dont fit..??'', & the other one says....''thats ok, we'll grab a plane & take the top off'' :rolleyes:



:)SK

[taffwob]

If you're an earl & you get an o.b.e. Do you become an earlobe

[taffwob]

Went on a ballooning holiday.

Put on 3 stone

[taffwob]

I live in a Grade 2 listed building. Everyone living there has to be quite good on the piano

[jack1]

i have an old one lol

its about an priest and an hunter.

an priest and hunter were on a field.
the hunter saw an rabbit and shot at it but he missed it.
then he says godda(you know the rest, i dont like to speak out such words, i dont even like typing them sorry).
the priest say dont say that, the holy lord will punish you.
it happens another time and the hunter says the same thing, and the priest to.
at the third time the hunter misses again and he said the same.
then spontaniously lightning came out of the air and just missed the hunter.
then you heare god say godda(the rest you know xD).
i know its funnier when i said the full words.

another one:
PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!! GIANT GELATIN PUDDING FROM DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!!!!

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/021609/did-you-hear-my-show.gif

[majix]

a woman who has sex on side of a hill..
definatelly not fucking on the level. :D

[krakhead]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

[krakhead]

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

[krakhead]

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

[forza nascosta]

Not having read the whole thread I don't know if this one has been done. I expect it may have been.

What does a mathematician do when he is constipated?

He works it out with a pencil!

Makes me smile :)

[father ted]

This is the best joke I heard all year, made my whole week. It's kinda bad:D :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ix5P-gelU6k

[evillive]

What happened when the rapper fell off the stage?

- He had to get a hip op.

:D

Oh F*** that was so stupid:p funny:)

[slodave]

what did the lone ranger say when he saw the indians coming??????????????! "HERE COMES THE INDIANS!!"

[runlikehell]

Jesus Christ! see that joke about his dad sitting up there on a cloud! watching over everyone!

Also the one about the virgin mary havin a baby!

Absolute Classics! LMFAO! :D :D :D

[deca]

An English man, Scots man, Cuban and polish dude and siting in a train carriage.......After while the Cuban pulls out a big Cuban cigar lights it takes a couple of puffs then to the dismay of the others throws out the window

The Scotsman says hay I heard of them Cuban cigars they are expensive , how come you throw out the window?

The Cuban says no problem , in me country we have plenty, don`t worry


Few minutes later the Scots pulls out a half bottle of single malt , has two swigs and throws in out the window again to the dismay of the others

The Cuban says I heard of Scots whiskey , its expensive , what do you think you are doing!

No problem , In my country we have plenty says the Scotsman

After a while The English looks around gets up then throws to polish dude out the window......:D

[fr0sty]

9/11

[father ted]

9/11

Reminds me of this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ-ldcnhsLY

[juttkeys]

I took a shortcut to the pub the other day through a grave yard and i saw 4 guys wandering round carrying a coffin, several hours later on my way back i noticed the same 4 guys were still wandering aimlessly around with the coffin, so i thought to myself 'they've lost the fucking plot!'

[microverses]

why screw a sheep at the edge of a cliff?

it pushes harder.

BAM!

[deca]

Two welsh blokes Jones & Taff out on the piss and trying to pull ,but By the end of the night they are both pissed and unlucky , They decide to walk home and take the short cut down a country lane, they get down half way and Jones noticed a sheep caught in some barbed wire , I tell you something Taff I not had a shag for months I going to give that sheep a quickie, stuff it.....Anyway Jones gives the sheep a right good shafting then pulls up his trousers and fly's and says right Taff your turn......Taff drops his trousers and bends over:D

[father ted]

Q: What did the Zen buddist say to the New York hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

[mistress_medusa]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it!! :D

[father ted]

http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/gaki+no+tsukai/video/x7p68h_gaki-no-tsukai-silent-library-17-su_fun

[father ted]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA8NykTp0fk

[mistress_medusa]

How do madmen get through the forest?

They take the cyclepath! Cycle path? Psycho path? I can't remember which one fits.. :o

(I actually really love that one. Haha!)

[deca]

How do madmen get through the forest?

They take the cyclepath! Cycle path? Psycho path? I can't remember which one fits.. :o

(I actually really love that one. Haha!)

I think they would have a smoke and take out half of oz and LA these days :eek:

[phildee3]

Q: What did the Zen buddist say to the New York hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.



Q: What did the hot dog vendor say when the Buddhist asked for his change?

A: "Change must come from within."

[size_of_light]

My brother called me up the other day and said "Grandfather's just been badly burned!" :eek:

I said "How bad?"

He said "Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium!"

:mad:

[alexc]

Michael Jackson's career over the last 15 years.