Jokes so bad they're good

[father ted]

Q: What did the hot dog vendor say when the Buddhist asked for his change?

A: "Change must come from within."

Haha, nice one:D

[deca]

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

* KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
* PLATO: For the greater good.
* ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
* KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
* TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
* SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
* RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
* CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
* HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
* ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to tachieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across thecontinuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
* LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
* MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free of cross roads without having their motives called into question.
* MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
* FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
* RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
* MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
* JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
* FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
* BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbooks. Of course, you also have to purchase Microsoft Road.
* OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
* DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
* EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
* BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
* RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
* ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
* MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instictive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
* HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmm.....chicken....

[norton]

What have women and washing machines got in common?

they both leak when they're f*cked!

[simplysimon]

Three little ducks go into a Bar...............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck,

"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[devanshoom]

what do u call an arab with a comb and a pair of scissors?

ali barber



(Thats my joke btw...Ive only got 2)

[devanshoom]

shit i cant remember the other one....

[devanshoom]

ah here we go..

what do you call someone with a stethoscope who can lick his own bollocks?

a dogtor

th-th-thats all folks

[ofgilead]

A penguin brings his beat up jalauppy into the shop. The mechanic takes a look a it and tells the penguin to come back in two hours.

So the penguin takes a walk down the street for a bit and sees an ice cream shop. He gets a vanilla ice cream cone and walks back to the auto shop. His arms are stubby and he can't eat the cone without smudging the ice cream on his face.

Back at the shop the mechanic brings him to the car and explains a few things.
"This, that and that. Oh and it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "Oh, no, its just vanilla ice cream."

[ofgilead]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino...?
No?
Hell if I know.

[ofgilead]

What's the best part about marrying a panda?

Nobody questions the black eyes...

and you get to f*ck a panda.

[cafetimes1991]

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

* KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
* PLATO: For the greater good.
* ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
* KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
* TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
* SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
* RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
* CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
* HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
* ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to tachieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across thecontinuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
* LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
* MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free of cross roads without having their motives called into question.
* MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
* FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
* RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
* MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
* JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
* FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
* BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbooks. Of course, you also have to purchase Microsoft Road.
* OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
* DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
* EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
* BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
* RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
* ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
* MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instictive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
* HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmm.....chicken....

That's not bad. That's brilliant.

[j_shell]

Whats green and has wheels?

A frog!

I lied about the wheels.

[father ted]

Whats green and has wheels?

A frog!

I lied about the wheels.

Goes well with your avatar:D Love your avatar!

[outofthebox]

Some silly Tommy Cooper lines/jokes...these make me chuckle:

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'.
The guy said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I said, 'Not only that he's got one leg shorter than the other'
He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?' I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

:D

[bobbydiva]

30 blondes walk in to a bar one after another.

ouch...ouch...ouch...ouch

[coco]

http://i25.tinypic.com/157g51w.jpg


http://i31.tinypic.com/1rx8i8.jpg


http://i32.tinypic.com/rka16a.gif


http://i27.tinypic.com/11tvoqv.gif